


Lovely Souls

by InkyEcho



Category: Halsey (Musician), Melanie Martinez (Musician), My Chemical Romance, Panic! at the Disco, Paramore, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Anxiety, Beebo smokes the weed, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Dallon is sort of mean, Depression, Drug Use, Everybody gets sad, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gen, I didn't plan for this to be so indepth, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Mental Health Issues, My First Work in This Fandom, Panic Attacks, Pre-Band, Recreational Drug Use, Sad Josh, Sad Ryan, Sad Tyler Joseph, Self-Harm, Shy Ryan, Shy Tyler, Slow Build, Slow Burn, This makes me sad to write, Twenty One Pilots Reference, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2018-02-11
Packaged: 2018-10-31 04:09:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 32
Words: 50,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10891413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InkyEcho/pseuds/InkyEcho
Summary: Josh lacks self preservation. Brendon lacks the ability to see what's already in front of him. Ryan wishes he was someone else. Tyler wished he could forget everything. But when the day is done, they're all just running from something. How long till one of them trips?A long burn fic about mental illness, struggles, and relationships. Also quite lgbt friendly (so much gay.)[early chapter exert]The new brunette looked at Tyler for a moment, eyes running over his features. He shifted uncomfortably under the attention. Then just as he though the boy with the too tall hair was about to look away from him, he spoke. "Aren't you the kid that fell over outside the school."Tyler's eyes went wide for a second. He hadn't realised that more than one person had seen his clumsiness."Bren you fell off the bleachers in assembly last week ," the blue haired boy spoke, sitting down on the table beside Tyler."Sorry," Ryan apologised to the slightly embarrassed boy. "This is Josh and Brendon." He gestured to each in respective order. "This is Tyler."





	1. Smokey Lungs

It was cold outside. The air stung his skin and chilled his lips to the point of cracking as he kept his eyes surveying the empty school grounds around him. The trees were bare and the sun didn't offer up any warmth, leaving the whole place looking pretty dead and lifeless. But it matched the vibe of the high school pretty well, he decided.

The dyed-blue haired boy slipped a cigarette in between his chilled lips, lit it with a sheltered hand, and took a long drag.

"Got another one of those?"

His body jolted slightly, coughing momentarily as he blew out the smoke between his teeth. He dragged his eyes up from the dead school grounds, his eyes meeting equally brown ones. The boy before him wore an amused look upon his face. "Thought you were quitting, Bren," he said with a raised eyebrow.

"Nah," the brown haired boy took space beside him, leaning forward a little, tugging the packet of cigarettes from the front pocket of the other's worn duffle jacket and tapping out a white stick.

Brendon was an odd person, in a manner of speaking. Students liked to point out his loud and flirtatious personality quite often with unkind words and unsavoury insults. But the blue haired boy didn't see it as any more than Brendon being Brendon.

He pressed the stick between his teeth before laughing. "You know me better than that, Josh."

The blue haired boy hummed in affirmation, passing his lighter and taking back the half empty packet. "All talk and no game, huh?" he teased.

"Shut up," he said with a grin.

Josh was an odd guy too, he knew. But in his own mind, he felt that was putting it lightly. His hair was dyed a new colour near constantly, he had both his ears stretched, and between that and his clothing style, he knew he somehow managed to look a mixture of intimidating and chaotic. He didn't care much, though. Not enough to change who he was.

The brunette beside him cupped his hand around the white stick between her lips, lighting it after too many tries. He huffed and tossed the lighter back to his taller friend. "S'almost out of gas."

"I know," he sighed. "Have to get more."

"It's cold out here. Why can't you just smoke in the bathrooms like normal high school high school students?"

"And get caught? We'd be kicked out of here in a heartbeat," Josh mumbled around his cigarette.

"Oh yeah," he said sarcastically with a smile. "Like you care."

Josh hummed again, blowing a mass of smoke into the air. "Same to you. 'Sides, everyone's inside 'cause of the cold. No one s out here."

"Except our freezin' arses," Brendon laughed, tugging at his sleeves.

"Stop complaining. You're the one bummin' cigarettes."

"Only 'coz I'm out of weed."

When the two of them first met, it was because of something of a common interest, and every now and then when the two would share their self destructive habit, he would chuckle over the way it happened. There wasn't really ever a point where they became friends. It just sort of happened somewhere along the way, any specific point blurred out by smoke.

During the winter of his tenth year, Josh found himself finally understanding the appeal of rat poisoned tobacco wrapped in paper, taking it upon himself to rid his father of his near empty packet while he was passed out next to far too many empty cans of cheap beer. He wandered for hours around the city, like he usually did, before finally wrapping near numb fingers around one of the white sticks. Of course, he didn't light it right away, stomach already churning with the thrill of doing something out of his father's control.

It was one and a half days before he finally lit one, and another half of one before his father realised the packet was missing. Maybe it was the drunkenness that stained the walls of the house that pushed him to take them in the first place. But it didn't really matter, because when he lifted the poison stick to his lips and breathed its fumes, he was addicted. But it was neither the thrill of it nor the taste that took him in. Instead it was a mixture of the chemical reaction and the liberation of have something so self destructive right between his lips.

Brendon was the first and only person who ever saw him smoking on school grounds without him allowing them too. He was careful, sneaking half at a time during lunches and before class. It seemed though, that the brown haired boy had knack for finding him whenever he had a smoke between his teeth. By the time winter ended, the two were sneaking puffs of poison together. By mid summer, they found themselves seeking each other with or without the smoky smell of death. Although, Josh would joke that Brendon just annoyed him till he agreed to friendship.

Brendon was half way through his second white paper stick before the bell rang. He sighed as he pressed it out against the wall of the gym. Josh only breathed a laugh at him. "You really should slow down on those," he murmured as he slipped away his lighter and packet.

He laughed, fixing his hair with long fingers. "Yes mum."

The main building hallway was half empty by the time they pushed the doors open. The sudden smell of overused cleaning products mixed with teenage ego and too-much perfume was just as strong as ever, bombarding their sensed as they moved under the sickly yellow fluorescent lights. Brendon dragged his sneakers over the scuffed lino lined floor in a protest against attending their next class. Josh walked silently beside him.

The tardy bell rang just as they reached the still open door of Mister Parson's mathematics class. Mister Parson was a tall and skinny man with a crooked nose and hair shaved so low he could be bald. He waved then both into the room with a impatient hand, before flicking through the pages of a heavy text book.

Brendon and Josh almost always took seating on the right side of the classroom, about halfway back. It was the unspoken hierarchy of most classrooms - nerds at the front, the cool and popular in the back, and everyone else in the middle. The blue haired boy and the brunette didn't quite fit in with people for the most part, and those they did rarely shared classes with them.

But they didn't care.

 

The air inside the classroom had grown uncomfortably stuffy over the first half of the lesson, with the heaters working far higher than needed, and for the second half everyone sat in humid annoyance. Mister Parson droned on about something from his text book as he dragged a blue marker across the white board. He didn't seem bothered by the heat. Brendon said something along the lines of his lack of hair keeping him cool.

The brunette was barely sitting in his seat by the last quarter of the lesson, slouching excessively with his head back and fingers tapping on the desk in front of him in mute boredom. Josh bit his lip in amusement as he yawned for the third time in five minutes. He opened an eye and peered at him, raising an eyebrow in silent question. The blue haired boy shrugged in return and looked back at his book, where he had covered nearly a entire half of a page in intricate abstract line patterns.

Brendon all but burst out of the main building by the time the next class ended, Josh closely in tow. The outside cold was a welcome change in contrast of the unbearably stuff air inside the brick buildings behind them.

"I'm fucking done," Brendon yelled as he stretched his arms out, dragging out the last word.

"Please elaborate," Josh said, amused.

"Everything," he huffed.

"You need a drink, dude."

"Damn right," he said, pumping his fist up.

"You owe me a blunt, by the way."

"Fair trade," Brendon nodded, a thoughtful look on his face.

"What's a fair trade?" the arriving boy asked, pushing his own brown hair from his in front of his eyes.

"Ryan!" Brendon wrapped an arm around the other boys shoulder.

"Bren you're killin' him," Josh said, amused at the look on the other boys face.

Ryan was the same age as the two, a senior, but quite different from them in his own way. Somewhat like Josh's quiet side, but nothing like Brendon's hyper style. He seemed to balance the other brunette out though, with his softer voice and almost parental care. Sometimes Josh would smile to himself when he watched the two interact alone. It was a side of Brendon that didn't arise very often.

Brendon let go of Ryan's shoulders, looking intently at his face. "Where've you been?"

"Got held up in gym. Someone broke the backboard on the basketball court." He spoke calmly, stepping away from Brendon's constant gaze.

"Broke it?" Josh said, eyebrows raised.

"Yep."

Brendon seemed to find it hilarious as he nearly wheezed in laughter. A lot of things seemed to incapacitate him with their apparent humor. It was refreshing sometimes to watch, how something and everything could bring him joy.

"Huh," Josh said, as the three made their way further from the school grounds.

"So what was a fair trade?"

"Laughing hyena over here bummed smokes at lunch. So he owes me."

"Ah."

Brendon laughed softly to himself as they kept walking. He tugged at his jumper sleeves and pulled out his phone, humming as his thumbs danced on the screen. "Dallon's having a party this weekend."

Parties were a common occurrence in the group, as it was with most people their age. Dallon was a usual holder for under-age parties, as well as a junior named Gerard, and had a good reputation for not getting caught. He never invited people he knew would be trouble, or loud enough to be an annoyance. The nights always ended with most people happily drunk, stoned, or both. It was always well planned and enjoyable.

Josh hummed in question. "You going?"

"Duh."

There was a moment of silence. "Ry?"

The coffee haired boy nodded slightly. "Sure." Josh detected a slight hesitation in his words, but didn't say anything about it.

It was colder by the time Josh and Ryan left Brendon at his house, the late afternoon air setting in on top of the already chilly weather. The two carrying on by themselves.

Josh met Ryan not long after he and Brendon became friends. At first, he was sure that the brunette didn't like him. After some time, he realised he was just quiet, and somewhat nervous. He had to admit to himself he didn't look like the friendliest person in the world, but after a little time and quiet conversations, the two felt quite content in a new found friendship. It did take a while longer for Josh to understand the ins and outs of Ryan's personality, like how it was easy for him to be pressured just so he could avoid a confrontation. Or how he'd look after someone else before himself. Sometimes the drastic differences between him and Brendon made him wonder how they became friends in the first place.

The two walked in comfortable silence for a while, before Ryan asked a question. It was somewhat uncommon for him to initiate conversation without prompting of any sort.

"Are you going to Dallon's party?"

Josh shrugged. "I don't know, really. You want to go? Or just said so 'coz Bren asked?"

The brunette hummed. "Not sure."

"You don't have too. You know he doesn't mean to push you."

He hummed again, like he was thinking, but didn't say anything more.

They were quiet for a while longer, till they stopped at the worn gate of Josh's house. Ryan looked down at his feet for a moment.

"I might go."

"S'up to you," Josh smiled. "Want a smoke before you leave?"

He smiled up at him from behind his slanted fringe. "Sure. Keep my fingers warm at least."

The blue haired boy laughed softly and pulled out a white stick and passed it to the other, along with his near empty lighter. Ryan pressed the smoke between his lips and flicked the lighter a few times before looking at Josh.

"I know," he sighed, anticipating his next question. "Bren complained at lunch about it."

Two more flicks and it lit, letting the brown haired boy suck in the toxic taste. He pushed the smoke from his lips in a misty cloud, passing the lighter back to Josh.

"Thanks," he smiled.

Josh nodded. "See you tomorrow, Ry." He turned his body away slightly, pushing the gate open as it protested.

Ryan took a few steps backwards as he waved lightly. "Yeah. See."


	2. Liquor and Late Tears

Josh watched Ryan leave for a moment, waiting till he was mostly out of sight before opening the door to the house.

The building was old, worn, and anything but welcoming. Or maybe he just saw it that way because he knew what was held inside it's walls. The door creaked as he pushed it closed behind him, the floorboards below his feet cracking under his weight. There was no warmth emanating from the rooms inside or pictures on the walls. Sometimes he wondered what it was like to have something different. But to him, what he had was normal. It was all he'd known for so long, it was almost like things before weren't even real. Just a dream. Just a nice dream he wanted to return too.

The thing was, was that the nice things were just dreams now. The reality was the passed out man in the living room with a bottle of whiskey in his hand. Josh swallowed as he passed around the room, nose scrunching up as the smell of sweat emanating from his slumped father. The television flickered in the corner. Josh stepped forward and turned it off before taking the bottle from the drunkards grip and leaving the room.

The stairs creaked as he climbed them from the years of wear, but he didn't care. Nothing would wake his father till he was sober again. The light in his room was broken, fuse blown long ago, so he stumbled towards the lamp beside his bed and switched it on.

His room was a mess, just as much as when he left it. The curtains were still pulled together like always - he didn't open them much at all. His wardrobe stood with both doors half open and a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt thrown atop them clumsily. There was a pile of ill-used paper stacked in the corner on his never-used desk, as well as his school text books from the previous year. Someone told him once that writing notes about how you feel was meant to help. Like writing down any impulsive of exceptionally dark and intrusive thoughts was meant to magically make them disappear. Or maybe it was meant to make them easier to understand. Either way, neither seemed to be the case. He owned two posters - one for The _Smashing Pumpkins_ , and another for _Muse_. Both were just as worn as the wallpaper lines walls they were plastered too.

He dropped his bag into the floor next to the door and pushed it closed till it gave a dull _clink_. Shoes quickly discarded, he put the bottle he was still holding into the bedside table. Josh ran his hands over his face and through his hair as he lowed himself onto the bed. He stripped off both his jacket and long sleeve shirt and tossed them carelessly in the direction of the wardrobe. His shirt caught the corner of the door, jacket falling to the floor.

He ran his hand over the front of his neck, breath stuttering for no apart reason. He tugged his phone from his pants pocket and unlocked it before moving back to rest against the wall.

**To; Bren - I'll go to Dallon's party with u guys.**

Not even a minute passed before he got a reply. But then again, Brendon seemed to have his phone fused to his skin half the time.

 **From; Bren - Sweeeeeeet. Why tho? U usually don't**.

Josh looked to his left at the bottle of liquor.

**To; Bren - Ry's going. You know he doesn't usually.**

He looked away from the phone again and reached for the glass bottle, resting it between his legs.

**From; Bren - Oh. Shit. Did he say yes coz I was super loud about it?**

Josh laughed a little. Brendon could be quite thoughtful _after_ the fact.

**To; Bren - Maybe but I asked him bout that. He said he wanted to go.**

**From; Bren - Okay good. Mum's ordering pizza. Talk later.**

**To; Bren - K**

He dropped the phone beside him and picked up the bottle again. Slowly, he lifted the liquor to his lips and kept drinking till half of what was there was gone.

He was feeling a little empty.

⦁⨝⦁

The first thing that filled the blue haired boy's ears when he woke was the sound of muffled swearing and the slight pulsing in his head. He groaned, dragging himself out off bed as his body protested. The slight headache he wore only added minuscule trouble to his usually difficult mornings.

He ignored the disgruntled noises from down the stairs and silently slipped into the shower, cleaning away the sleep from his body with half cold water.

"Josh!"

Ren grunted and turned off the shower.

"Josh!" The voice was louder now, slurred slightly and disgruntled. His father must have climbed the stairs.

He wrapped a towel around his waist and opened the door into the hallway. "What?"

"Where's the beer?"

He stepped out more, seeing his father at the top of the stairs with one hand holding his up against the wall. "You had the last can yesterday morning."

"Oh," was all he mumbled, eyes moving around half glazed. Josh couldn't look at them.

"I have to go to school." He stood in the doorway to his room now.

His father nodded, turned and stumbled back down the stairs with little balance.

Josh sighed as he closed the door behind him, picking up a shirt from the floor and a pair of jeans from his drawer. He dressed, grabbed his duffel jacket and bag from the floor, and turned to leave. As a last thought he slipped the near empty bottle of liquor behind his bed.

When he passed the living room, his father had returned to the couch, the television flickering on a channel he wasn't really interested in.

Josh saw Ryan approaching as he stepped out the front door and waved at him with two fingers.

"Hey," the brunette greeted, wiping his eye with the back of his hand.

"You good?" Josh asked. He noticed the extra exhaustion the seemed to be evident on his face, and the slight redness of his eyes. The kind you got after crying late at night before falling asleep. He didn't elaborate on his question though.

Ryan nodded and hummed.

Josh let it go.


	3. Nerve

The morning air was cold on the walk to school, but no more than usual. Brendon complained quite the contrary as soon as Josh and Ryan met him outside his house though. It took the three to be not even five minutes away from school for Brendon to finally notice the quietness of Ryan's voice, and the redness of his eyes. Josh almost wanted him to realise it sooner, it it hadn't been for the embarrassment Ryan seemed to feel over it all.

Brendon put his hand on Ryan's shoulder, maybe a little rougher than the situation called for. "What's up, Ry?"

"Nothing," he said immediately, turning his shoulder away from the other boys grasp gently.

"You look like you've been crying or something?"

Ryan shook his head and forced a small smile. Josh felt like it was tugging at his heart. "M'fine."

"Okay." Brendon let it go. Or maybe, he didn't realise just how much Ryan seemed to need to talk.

Josh steered the conversation away from Ryan, and the brunette looked silently grateful. "So when's Dallon's party?"

Brendon's lips tugged up into an excited smile. "Saturday.  At eight."

Josh nodded and hummed, throwing a quick glance at Ryan as they passed though the school gates. He just smiles slightly at him.

The three of them usually arrived about ten minutes before home room, and that day was no different from any others. Well, not yet. Anything was possible. The hallways were already full and bustling as they each dropped their things at their respective lockers and made their way back outside. None of the three really liked staying inside the suffocating walls for too long, each for their own reasons.

Brendon stood fiddling with his hair as they all lent against the brick walls facing the front gates. Josh joked about him needing hair spray just before the bell rang, and they all turned back to walk inside. That was, till Ryan stopped moving and looked behind them. Josh stopped beside him as Brendon kept walking, humming something unknown.

What Ryan was looking at, was someone on his hands and knees on the pavement just outside the gates. Josh squinted. The boy looked as though he'd tripped, and dropped his school bag, the contents spilled out before him. All Josh could distinguish was that he had dark drown hair, and looked quiet skinny.

"I haven't seen him here before," Ryan said.

"New meat?" Brendon called, as he turned back and walked towards them. The two looked at him oddly.

"Don't say that," Josh frowned.

"Why not?"

"Makes you sound like Hannibal Lector or something."

"Who?"

Ryan laughed slightly at the other boy's confused frown, the rise in mood making Josh smile a little. "Never mind."

Josh spared the far away boy another glace, watching him zip up his bag and dust off his black jeans. "C'mon," he said, turning back around and entering the building. Ryan spared another look as well, before following Brendon and Josh to class.

The halls were near empty now, almost everyone having cleared out in the time the three were distracted outside. Brendon unzipped his jacket and ran his hand through his hair as they walked. "What have you got, Ry?"

"English."

"Yeah, have fun with that," he said sarcastically.

"Not like Math is any better for us," Josh hummed. "At least he _likes_ English."

Ryan smiled a little. "We're reading Macbeth."

"Nerd," Brendon teased, drawing out the word with a sly face.

Josh chuckled. "Shut up, Bren. See you at break, Ry." He waved, the two disappearing as they walked though one of the open doors.

Ryan kept walking, three more doors down to his class. Ms Blacka nodded at him as he entered the room, the bell ringing just before he took his seat. The room was mostly full around him, surrounded by chatter and unrelated gossip. Ms Blacka was a nice lady, with long blonde hair and a slim face. She didn't mind what happened in the class, as long as work was finished and nothing was too loud. Ryan supposed that since they were the advanced senior class, she presumed they could finish work at their own pace. For the most part, they did. 

Ryan's mind still sat clouded by the feelings that had erupted the night before, but he refused to think about them. Instead, he tugged out his headphones and pressed them into his ears. He drummed the end of his pen against the desk  to the sound of _Black Veil Brides_ as he stared at the lines of Shakespeare play, not really taking anything in. But a few blank days here and there never impacted on his grades that much.

There was movement in his peripheral vision, and he looked up to the front of the room, tugging out his headphones as Ms Blacka called the class to attention.

"Bit odd starting so far into the year, isn't it?" she smiled at the new arrival. She was always very welcoming. "Nice to meet you."

The boy's lips moved, but his words were too quiet for the class to hear. Ms Blacka's smile grew more nurturing at the boy. Ryan recognized his dark brown hair and the dusty black jeans.

She turned to the class again and looked around for a second. "You probably don't have your text books yet, huh." He shook his head. "How about you read with someone else for today. Or just get to know people. No rush."

The somewhat short boy hesitantly looked around the room, anxiety evident in his eyes. Ryan felt something far too familiar in the way the boy looked. Maybe it mirrored himself too much. Either way, he raised his hand.

"There's a spare seat here, Miss."

The boy had a mix of relief in his anxious features. Ms Blacka smiled gratefully at Ryan, obviously seeing the kindness he was trying to employ. "Okay. Go sit next to Ryan then."

The hesitant boy nodded meekly and moved silently through the room towards him. Ryan thought he was lucky to be in such a well behaved class for his first lesson. Any other, and he may have already been targeted for his quietness alone. The seat beside his screeched slightly against the floor as it was moved. The quiet teen slipped off his bag and rested it against the leg of the table as he gently sat down.

He didn't look at Ryan straight away, and it gave the taller boy a chance to look at him without making uncomfortable eye contact.

The boy's face was slender, his Adams Apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed nervously. There were bags under his eyes, but they looked almost like a permanent part of his face, as though tiredness was a normal occurrence.

"Hey," Ryan said quietly, pushing aside his own anxiety to comfort the boy beside him. Somehow, the meekness of the other teen made him feel a little less nervous of the interaction. "I'm Ryan."

Slowly, the boy looked at him, eyes shifting around a little as he did. He didn't quite turn his head the whole way. "Hello."

His voice was soft and quiet. His lips barely moved as he spoke the word, separating just enough to let it escape before closing them, almost as though he was shy of what things his tongue might curl around.

"What's your name?"

There was another silence, like he was scared of the sound of his own voice. He swallowed, Adams Apple bobbing again. His eyes shifted to Ryan for only a second before he spoke. Ryan listened carefully, anticipating the smallness of the answer to come. He was almost unsure whether he heard him or not, till he separated his lips again, with only a single word on his tongue.

"Tyler."

 

The morning air was cold on the walk to school, but no more than usual. Brendon complained quite the contrary as soon as Josh and Ryan met him outside his house though. It took the three to be not even five minutes away from school for Brendon to finally notice the quietness of Ryan's voice, and the redness of his eyes. Josh almost wanted him to realise it sooner, it it hadn't been for the embarrassment Ryan seemed to feel over it all.

Brendon put his hand on Ryan's shoulder, maybe a little rougher than the situation called for. "What's up, Ry?"

"Nothing," he said immediately, turning his shoulder away from the other boys grasp gently.

"You look like you've been crying or something?"

Ryan shook his head and forced a small smile. Josh felt like it was tugging at his heart. "M'fine."

"Okay." Brendon let it go. Or maybe, he didn't realise just how much Ryan seemed to need to talk.

Josh steered the conversation away from Ryan, and the brunette looked silently grateful. "So when's Dallon's party?"

Brendon's lips tugged up into an excited smile. "Saturday. At eight."

Josh nodded and hummed, throwing a quick glance at Ryan as they passed though the school gates. He just smiles slightly at him.

The three of them usually arrived about ten minutes before home room, and that day was no different from any others. Well, not yet. Anything was possible. The hallways were already full and bustling as they each dropped their things at their respective lockers and made their way back outside. None of the three really liked staying inside the suffocating walls for too long, each for their own reasons.

Brendon stood fiddling with his hair as they all lent against the brick walls facing the front gates. Josh joked about him needing hair spray just before the bell rang, and they all turned back to walk inside. That was, till Ryan stopped moving and looked behind them. Josh stopped beside him as Brendon kept walking, humming something unknown.

What Ryan was looking at, was someone on his hands and knees on the pavement just outside the gates. Josh squinted. The boy looked as though he'd tripped, and dropped his school bag, the contents spilled out before him. All Josh could distinguish was that he had dark drown hair, and looked quiet skinny.

"I haven't seen him here before," Ryan said.

"New meat?" Brendon called, as he turned back and walked towards them. The two looked at him oddly.

"Don't say that," Josh frowned.

"Why not?"

"Makes you sound like Hannibal Lector or something."

"Who?"

Ryan laughed slightly at the other boy's confused frown, the rise in mood making Josh smile a little. "Never mind."

Josh spared the far away boy another glace, watching him zip up his bag and dust off his black jeans. "C'mon," he said, turning back around and entering the building. Ryan spared another look as well, before following Brendon and Josh to class.

The halls were near empty now, almost everyone having cleared out in the time the three were distracted outside. Brendon unzipped his jacket and ran his hand through his hair as they walked. "What have you got, Ry?"

"English."

"Yeah, have fun with that," he said sarcastically.

"Not like Math is any better for us," Josh hummed. "At least he  _likes_ English."

Ryan smiled a little. "We're reading Macbeth."

"Nerd," Brendon teased, drawing out the word with a sly face.

Josh chuckled. "Shut up, Bren. See you at break, Ry." He waved, the two disappearing as they walked though one of the open doors.

Ryan kept walking, three more doors down to his class. Ms Blacka nodded at him as he entered the room, the bell ringing just before he took his seat. The room was mostly full around him, surrounded by chatter and unrelated gossip. Ms Blacka was a nice lady, with long blonde hair and a slim face. She didn't mind what happened in the class, as long as work was finished and nothing was too loud. Ryan supposed that since they were the advanced senior class, she presumed they could finish work at their own pace. For the most part, they did.

Ryan's mind still sat clouded by the feelings that had erupted the night before, but he refused to think about them. Instead, he tugged out his headphones and pressed them into his ears. He drummed the end of his pen against the desk to the sound of  _Black_ _Veil_ _Brides_ as he stared at the lines of Shakespeare play, not really taking anything in. But a few blank days here and there never impacted on his grades that much.

There was movement in his peripheral vision, and he looked up to the front of the room, tugging out his headphones as Ms Blacka called the class to attention.

"Bit odd starting so far into the year, isn't it?" she smiled at the new arrival. She was always very welcoming. "Nice to meet you."

The boy's lips moved, but his words were too quiet for the class to hear. Ms Blacka's smile grew more nurturing at the boy. Ryan recognized his dark brown hair and the dusty black jeans.

She turned to the class again and looked around for a second. "You probably don't have your text books yet, huh." He shook his head. "How about you read with someone else for today. Or just get to know people. No rush."

The somewhat short boy hesitantly looked around the room, anxiety evident in his eyes. Ryan felt something far too familiar in the way the boy looked. Maybe it mirrored himself too much. Either way, he raised his hand.

"There's a spare seat here, Miss."

The boy had a mix of relief in his anxious features. Ms Blacka smiled gratefully at Ryan, obviously seeing the kindness he was trying to employ. "Okay. Go sit next to Ryan then."

The hesitant boy nodded meekly and moved silently through the room towards him. Ryan thought he was lucky to be in such a well behaved class for his first lesson. Any other, and he may have already been targeted for his quietness alone. The seat beside his screeched slightly against the floor as it was moved. The quiet teen slipped off his bag and rested it against the leg of the table as he gently sat down.

He didn't look at Ryan straight away, and it gave the taller boy a chance to look at him without making uncomfortable eye contact.

The boy's face was slender, his Adams Apple bobbing slightly as he swallowed nervously. There were bags under his eyes, but they looked almost like a permanent part of his face, as though tiredness was a normal occurrence.

"Hey," Ryan said quietly, pushing aside his own anxiety to comfort the boy beside him. Somehow, the meekness of the other teen made him feel a little less nervous of the interaction. "I'm Ryan."

Slowly, the boy looked at him, eyes shifting around a little as he did. He didn't quite turn his head the whole way. "Hello."

His voice was soft and quiet. His lips barely moved as he spoke the word, separating just enough to let it escape before closing them, almost as though he was shy of what things his tongue might curl around.

"What's your name?"

There was another silence, like he was scared of the sound of his own voice. He swallowed, Adams Apple bobbing again. His eyes shifted to Ryan for only a second before he spoke. Ryan listened carefully, anticipating the smallness of the answer to come.He was almost unsure whether he heard him or not, till he separated his lips again, with only a single word on his tongue.

"Tyler."

Ryan felt like if he had breathed too loudly, he would have missed the other boy's voice. He couldn't help but smile at the shyness, his actions feeling far to familiar to be uncomfortable.

"Nice to meet you, Tyler." He nodded lightly.

Tyler turned his head just a little more, giving Ryan a timid twitch of the lips along with a good view of the red mark lining on his cheek.

"What happened to your cheek?" Tyler's eyes were confused for a second, before he brushed his own fingers along the small graze. He winced slightly. "Is that from the pavement before?" Tyler looked even more confused for a moment, before clarity filtered into his face and he nodded slightly, embarrassment clear. Ryan smiled again. "Don't worry. It's not that bad."

They didn't speak for a while, the chatter of the class washing over them both. Tyler picked at the sleeves of his jumper.

Ryan cleared his throat. "Do you want to read?" Tyler looked like he was contemplating it for a moment. Then he shook his head. "Good choice. Macbeth it easy to catch up on on your own anyway."

He watched Tyler nibble on his lip for a second before speaking. Like he was preparing himself. "I've 'ready read it."

Ryan smiled again. He had the feeling he'd get along with the boy quite well. "You like to read?" Tyler nodded. He looked down at the other boy's headphones, before pointing at them with a finger half hidden behind his sleeves in silent conversation. Ryan hummed. "You like music?"

Tyler's face grew bright for just a moment, smiling with a bitten lip. He nodded eagerly.

"You like BVB?"

The shy boy nodded again. He pulled out his phone from his jeans pocket and opened up his music app. Ryan scrolled down the list of music artists when the other gently slid the mobile across the desk. He hummed yet again, picking out most he already had himself.

"Good taste." Tyler took the phone back. Ryan passed him one side of his own headphones. "Want to listen?"

Tyler looked at Ms Blacka for a moment, nibbling in his lip.

"She doesn't mind. It's okay," he reassured.

Tyler smiled gratefully and took the ear bud, slipping it into his ear. As the music started again, the two were silent again, the lyrics filling them both with a sense of comfort and common interest.

Ryan glanced at Tyler after a while, and watched his fingers dance along the table edge with precision. A moment passed, and he realised that while the other boy had his eyes closed, he was pressing out the keyboard undertones to  _In The End._ In that moment, his shoulders looked a little more relaxed and his face a little less tense. He looked content, head filled with music and finger tips gracefully dancing along keys that only he could feel.

When class ended, Ms Blacka passed a slip of paper too Tyler. "Ryan can you show Tyler the Library later to collect his books? And show him his next class for me, please."

"Of course," Ryan nodded. He didn't mind the company of the other. Ms Blacka smiled kindly and walked back to her desk with a nod of thanks.

Ryan looked at Tyler, who was reading the list of books. "Do you have any of these yourself?"

Tyler pressed his finger down the list, leaving it on one in particular.

"All Our Sons?"

Tyler nodded, then murmured, "Macbeth too."

"Nice choices," he said. Tyler smiled back shyly. "Do you have your time table?" He took the slightly crumples paper when offered, reading it beside his own one. "You've got Science with me next. Come on."

Tyler walked behind him, and into the hurricane of the hallways. There was talking and shouting, and the slamming of locker doors. Maybe it was because he was unprepared for the noise, it being his first day. Or maybe it was just the sheer amount of bodies before him.

Something in his chest stuttered. But it couldn't have been his heart, because that was beating up in his ears. He stuck to the space directly behind Ryan, using him as something like a shield.

The slightly taller brunette turned his head, and upon seeing eyes doing far more than mirroring his own tension, moved a little faster. "Come on, Ty, just a little further."

The shorter nodded, clutching the strap of his bag a little tighter as he quickened his steps to match Ryan's.

By the time they got to S Block, the place designated for the Science and Manual Arts classes, it was far more quiet. Ryan stopped outside their next class and turned to Tyler. "You okay?"

Tyler swallowed and nodded once. "S-Sorry."

"Don't be. I get it," he said, smiling kindly. He nodded towards the doorway. "Ready?"

He nodded again, and followed Ryan into the class. In the front there was an older man, with a hooked nose and grey hair. He turned to them, along with some of the class, and raised a bushy eyebrow. "Who's this?" His voice was gruff, with a hint of annoyance. In made Tyler's insides curl just a little bit.

"Tyler, Sir. He'd new."

He murmured something and wrote his name on his class roll. "Surname?"

He swallowed, feeling eyes of the room still on him. "Joseph."

"Take a seat then. Collect your text books before next lesson."

Tyler jerked his head in a nod and followed Ryan to a spare seat. The other boy murmured to him after they settled down. "Don't worry about him. He sounds grumpy, but he doesn't yell much or anything."

Tyler nodded again, pulling out a lined book as the teacher began to write notes on the board. Part way through the lesson, Ryan realised that Tyler's fingers on his free hand were once again pressing down on invisible keys, this time on his knee underneath the table. He seemed calmed yet again by the action.

As though he could hear the lovely notes he was playing in his soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like putting references to the band's back ground. Also, don't mind that I'm using my own taste of music for theirs.


	4. Alto Notes

Ryan watched at Tyler walked back to the Library desk with a stack of books. Two textbooks, two novels, and a play script. They weren't extremely heavy, but the smaller boy seemed to be a little strained with the weight of his schoolbag as well. Slowly, the librarian scanned them one by one, her wrinkled face twisted into a permanent frown.

Tyler didn't say a word to her as he took the books back into his arms and turned to the other brunette. Ryan didn't say anything as he took half the pile, making it all a little easier to maneuver.

"Thank you," he murmured. Or maybe that was just as loud as he talked. Ryan still wasn't sure.

He hummed in response as they walked to Tyler's new locker. The hallway was basically empty around them, the majority of the students already eating lunch in the cafeteria or outside. The floor squeaked under the friction of the shorter teen's gym boots as he turned.

Ryan cleared his throat. "Lunch?"

Tyler nodded slightly, as though unsure. Ryan turned with a smile and led him back down the hallway and out the back doors.

Ryan, Josh, and Brendon rarely ate lunch in the cafeteria. It was too crowded and there were barely any tables. Everyone was too close too each other to have a private conversation. Understandably, neither Ryan nor Josh could handle the close proximity. Brendon was just too animated to not hit somebody by accident. That, and or course two of the three had a hidden habit that needed to stay that way.

Outside was cold, and both boys immediately tugged at the collars. There were few students in view, most already making their way back inside with cold feet. The trees were still bare when Ryan looked at them, as though they might have miraculously changed over the course of two lessons. Tyler pulled his jumper up and over his nose for a second, the cold shocking him momentarily. Granted, it wasn't finger numbing freezing just yet. Ryan rounded the corner to where the quad stood mostly empty. There weren't many tables, but the lack of students meant that didn't pose a problem.

Tyler's fingers recoiled slightly from the cold metal of the table as he lowered himself down onto the seat. Ryan watched him look around for a moment, and predicted his thoughts.

"They'll be here soon."

Tyler nodded, and started to nibble at his sandwich. Ryan did the same.

It was quiet between them again. Not entirely uncomfortable, but seemingly more so that it had been for the previous classes. Maybe it was due to the overall lack of noise surrounding them.

"Yo," someone called out, dragging the word out.

Then a quieter, "Geez, you're so loud."

Tyler and Ryan turned at the same time. 

"Hey," Ryan answered the two approaching boys. Tyler looked at them, but turned his head to make it less obvious. The one on the right had brown hair pushed into something like a quiff, his fake leather jacket half zipped up his chest. The other boy was a fraction shorter, and had blue hair that was half washed out. His pale skin made the black stretchers in his ears stand out a lot more.

Something about him looked pretty, like an accidental mix of punk and cotton candy. If such a thing was possible.

The two boys stopped at the table, the brown haired one sliding into the seat next to Ryan. The other one messed with something in his pockets for a moment. 

The new brunette looked at Tyler for a moment, eyes running over his features. He shifted uncomfortably under the attention. Then just as he though the boy with the too tall hair was about to look away from him, he spoke. "Aren't you the kid that fell over outside the school."

Tyler's eyes went wide for a second. He hadn't realised that more than one person had seen his clumsiness.

"Bren you fell off the bleachers in assembly last week ," the blue haired boy spoke, sitting down on the table beside Tyler.

"Sorry," Ryan apologised to the slightly embarrassed boy. "This is Josh and Brendon." He gestured to each in respective order. "This is Tyler."

"Nice to meet you, clumsy," Brendon waved.

"Worst nickname ever," Josh muttered. 

"So it's your first day?"

Tyler nodded.

"What grade are you in? How old are you? What's your favorite subject?"

Tyler blinked for a moment, the words coming out far too fast. Or maybe his mind was still just a little clouded.

Josh sighed. "Slow down."

Tyler swallowed, Brendon's wide and excited eyes a little intimidating.

Ryan spoke first, though. "He's in the same grade as us."

"Favorite class?" Brendon passed by his words with a nod.

It was quiet again for a second. Ryan thought maybe he wouldn't reply at all.

"Music."

Josh seemed to smile at that, but only for a second. Ryan wasn't surprised by the answer at all, really. Brendon only smiled wider.

"Really? That's awesome!"

Ryan winced a little at the loudness of his voice. Tyler too, but less obviously. Josh sighed again. "Bren."

"What?"

"Shut up for a second."

"Why?"

"Because you're really freakin' loud right now."

"Oh. Sorry," he smiled slyly.

Tyler smiled just a little. If the boy named Josh was punk and cotton candy, then Brendon must be leather and spiced coffee. He looked at Ryan, taking in the way he seemed one more time. Maybe pop and musty books for him.

They were nice. The three seemingly an odd combination, but almost perfectly balanced. 

For his first day in school, and his first possible friends, the day made Tyler feel like hoodies and alto sounds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a friend when I was in primary school, who I only knew for a few years before I left. But I remember the way he didn't talk unless spoken too, or he had too. Even then, it was quiet. I liked to talk to him though, and he'd still listen and laugh and smile. And I think he was one of the nicest people I ever really knew.
> 
> The way I'm writing Tyler makes me think of him, I think.


	5. One Third Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy the questions and confusion that this might raise.

Tyler's dinner sat before him. He didn't touch it. Across from him, his mother looked at the clock for the umpteenth time. His youngest brother sat beside him and pushed his fork around the table with a small finger.

"Can we eat now?" he asked, voice small and naive.

It was nearly half past seven. His mother sighed again, but held her annoyance from her voice. "Of course, Jay, honey. Your brother can eat when he comes home."

The younger boy smiled and shoveled a mass of spaghetti and meatballs into his mouth. 

"How was your first day, sweetheart?" she asked Tyler, who was now picking at his food. He wasn't very hungry.

"Fell over."

Jay giggle behind his hand, eyes crinkling as he did. Tyler couldn't help the tug of his lips at the sound. 

His mother smiled too. "Make any friends?"

Tyler hesitated. Ryan was nice. The other two, cotton candy and spiced coffee, he wasn't quite sure about yet. First impressions weren't always as reliable as one might think or hope. But his mother looked hopeful sitting across from him, so he smiled tenderly.

"I think so."

Her face lit up more, eyes gleaming with happiness. And who was Tyler to break that? Especially when it felt so rarely he saw that twinkle in her eyes.

"What about you, munchkin?"

Jay looked at her with a mouth full of spaghetti, and nodded. He swallowed and smiled again. "It was super fun. Mrs Garllo gave me stickers."

Tyler zoned out a little as his mother kept talking to his little brother, letting their familiar voices wash over him. He pushed the food around his plate, sometimes forcing down a small amount of it. He didn't eat much when he was anxious, but that was a common occurrence.

The seat beside his mother, reserved for his other brother, stayed empty throughout the entire meal.

When their mother first brought up the idea of moving away from his hometown, she brought with it the idealistic hope of a new life and a new start. But really, they all knew there was only so much they could run away from. There were only so many memories they could forget.

Tyler didn't leave any friends behind; never really made any worth keeping. There were a few boy's from his old basketball team, but they barely spoken to him outside of games. Jay was too young to really be bothered by leaving his, carefree and sweet enough to be able to make new ones easily. Zack was different though. He argued against the change wholeheartedly, with profanities and angry tears and thrown objects.

It had been less than a week since moving, and the middle brother had already taken to staying out late with no word as to when he might be home again. He was only fifteen, but the same size at Tyler and far more reckless.

After the table was cleared and his mother had put the youngest to bed, Tyler sat on the floor of his room unpacking another one of the seemingly never ending boxes stacked in the hallways. This one way labeled _Ty_ _\- music,_ in messy cursive writing. On the floor behind him sat his old keyboard, already unpacked. From the box before him he pulled out a mass of power cords and music paper.

His room was still a mess, with open boxes everywhere but only half of them mostly unpacked. The walls were still bare around him, void of his usual _Pearl Jam_ , and _Green Day_ posters _._

He plugged in the cords to the back of his keyboard, sliding around on the floor to sit right in front of it. Pressing his headphones into his ears, he switched it on. It had only been about a week since he'd last touched the keys properly, but the plastic beneath his fingers sometimes felt almost most like home than what actually surrounded him. It reminded him of when the walls he lived in weren't one third empty.

He pressed a few notes, not really playing anything in particular. When it felt right, he strung together a few more familiar ones. It seemed like in the end he always came back to that song. It was his own, not yet with a name, and no lyrics in mind. But he felt like the notes were enough on their own.

He tugged the headphones back out from his ears and tucked them into the top draw of his bedside table.

"Zack, you can't keep-"

He stood, back pressed against the wall, listening to the front  door close down stairs with a dull _thud_.

"Can't what, mom?"

His brother was angry. But that wasn't new. Not lately, anyway.

"Keep disappearing like this," his mother finished.

"I'm not a kid."

"Then stop making me have to _treat_ you like one! I had no idea where you were."

"For fuck's sake let me _breathe_."

It was silent for a moment, but that only made Tyler's stomach curl in anxiety as to what would happen when it was broken.

"Just," his mother said, quietly enough to make him have to strain. "Just let me know where you go. Or stay home every now and then. Jay misses you too."

Zack didn't say anything after that. Then, footsteps and a door closing in muted exhaustion and frustration.

When Tyler stepped into the kitchen, his mother was sitting at the dining table with her head in her hands. It was moments like this, when she was most vulnerable, where Tyler noticed just how much more frail and exhausted she looked. Her hands were thinner than they use to be, hiding eyes that seemed far more sunken behind their palms.

Tyler set the kettle on to boil, slowly and quietly making a cup of tea. He placed the cup in front of his mother, sliding into the seat across from her. Slowly, she lifted her head and met his eyes with her own. Behind her damp eyelashes, he could see sorrow and loneliness, but most of all hopelessness. But he felt that she could see some of the same in his eyes too.

"Thank you, sweetheart."

He nodded at her.

"Do you think he hates me?"

"V'Course not." His answer was instantaneous, but just as quiet as always.

"How do you know?" She sounded so defeated.

This time he didn't answer right away. The entire situation was complex beyond belief. With a house one third empty and hearts half broken, everything was heavier than it had ever been before.

"He wouldn't come back if he did."

His mother smiled with a heavy heart and tired eyes. And when Tyler fell asleep at one in the morning with no moon shining through the window, he wished he could mend everything in the house but the cracks in the floors. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to write a chapter on Tyler's home life, but like Josh's, I wanted to leave things as open and questioning as possible. Everything is planned to be revealed later on little by little.


	6. Headache

Brendon passed Josh the single stick of grass as he puffed on a half done  cigarette. The blue haired boy raised an eyebrow at him, taking it and shoving it into his pocket.

It was cold, just like always. Ryan walked beside the two with his hands shoved in his jacket pockets. The pavement was littered with leaves in front of the three, and a cloud of them was thrown up as a school bus drove past them.

"You're an idiot, Bren," Josh sighed, referring to the weed in his pocket.

"Jus' don't get caught with it," Brendon shrugged, like it was simple. He smirked in slight triumph at the amused sound Ryan made beside him.

"I could've got it from your place after school."

Brendon thought for a moment, then frowned. "Oh yeah."

"Yeah, 'sides I don't smoke that at home. Not near my ol' man."

"I forgot about that."

Ryan smiled again, endearingly, but just to himself with a down turned head. Like it was a secret to be hidden. Josh saw it though, and his lips tugged as well into a knowing leer. As they rounded the last block to the school, Brendon pressed out the near finished cigarette against the sole of his shoes and tossed it aside. The hallway seemed louder than usual as the three of them pushed open the doors of the main building. Or maybe it wasn't. They never really paid much attention to that.

Ryan and Brendon waited beside Josh as he put his things in his locker after doing the same with theirs. The  blue haired boy had his head in it restacking his books when Brendon looked away and tapped his shoulder.

"Is that the Mouse?"

"The what?" Josh said, not looking up. He slipped his drum sticks into the locker.

"The shy kid from yesterday."

"His name is Tyler," Ryan murmured, looking up from his phone and in the direction Brendon was. "Where?"

"Over there. Wait here." He walked off with a look on his face that made Ryan sigh.

He could see him now; the shorter brunette. He was looking in his locker too, hair looking a little disheveled and hands working fast and nimble to empty his bag of unneeded things. Ryan squinted. There were earphones pressed into his ears.

"Bren, wait," he said, walking towards the hyper brunette. "He can't hear you, you'll scare him," he finished, a little bit louder.

Brendon didn't hear him, words drowned out by the noise around him. "Mouse!" He slung his arm around the other, greeting him like he would any other.

But Tyler wasn't really like 'any other' to them yet. He didn't know Brendon. So when he reacted, it wasn't at all the approaching brunette was expecting at all, too hyped in his own head to think about the situation more in depth. Josh pulling his head out from inside his locker just in time to see the reaction with the others.

The moment Brendon's arm made contact with his shoulder, Tyler's entire body jolted forward in a mix of shock and momentary fear. It was like someone had thrown water on a stray cat. He pulled himself away from the contact with a muted squeak, and threw his head into the top of the locker with a loud thud.

"Oh fuck!" Brendon yelled, stepping back as he watched the shorter boy sink to the floor with his hands pressed against his forehead. He shook the earphones from his ears with a tiny groan.

Ryan, ever the mother hen, ran over to them with Josh in tow.

"Bloody hell, Bren," Josh murmured, watching as Ryan bent down beside the sunken boy.

"I'm sorry!" Brendon covered his mouth, appalled at what had just happened at his hand.

"Tyler," Ryan said, not touching the other boy yet. "Are you okay?"

He didn't say anything, but nodded slightly.

Josh stepped forward. "Jesus, help the kid up." He held his hand out to him.

Tyler opened his eyes and looked up at the extended hand. He hesitantly dropped one of his own from his forehead and took it, letting the other help him up. Trying to focus on something other than the throbbing pain in his head, he noticed that the blue haired boy's hand was a little bigger than his own, calloused and rough from work unknown to him. His head swam when he stood, blood rushing back into all the right places. He let go of the rough fingers, but staggered back at the sudden dizziness he had developed. Hands grabbed his shoulders to steady him.

"Damn." Cotton Candy, it still sounded like. But he hadn't realised he'd closed his eyes at all.

When he opened them after a moment, he met mocha colored eyes. He stepped away again, looking down as he pulled his other hand away from his forehead.

"Shit," Brendon yelled again. "I'm so sorry!"

The point of contact on his head was red, and a slight lump was forming already. "S'okay."

The bell rang, in all it's badly timed glory. Ryan chewed at his lip. "I have a History test. But you need ice."

"We've got Gym. What about you?" Josh asked Tyler.

"Gym," he murmured. They all had to strain to hear him over the rushing sounds of students moving to class around them.

"I'll take him, Ry. Bren, go tell the teach where we are, yeah?'

"Sure." He looked guilty still. Remorseful. "I'm really sorry, Tyler."

The slightly shorter boy's lips tugged up slightly at the sentiment of the apology.

"C'mon," Josh said.

"Bye Tyler," Ryan waved, moving away with a quiet Brendon. Tyler waved, and turned to follow the other boy down the hall as he slung his bag over his shoulder.

The hallway was nearly empty by the time they were near the nurses office. They didn't talk. Tyler was thankful for that, because he didn't really know what to talk about. Unlike the small amount he knew about Ryan, he knew even less about Cotton Candy, let alone Spiced Coffee. But they all seemed nice, holding up the identities they proposed to him the day before.

The tall haired brunette was loud and spontaneous and a little reckless, but seemed to hold kind intentions. The blue haired one seemed calm, and didn't smile as much as the other two. But he didn't seem unhappy. Tyler looked at him secretively as the room drew closer. He hadn't really noticed the small amount of stubble on his face before, nor that slight darkness under his eyes not unlike his own.

Maybe they had something in common after all.

"The nurse isn't here," Josh murmured, looking around the room from the doorway. "C'mon."

Tyler followed him into the room, and watched as he opened a small cooler and pulled out a few ice cubes, tossing them into a freezer bag. He wrapped it in paper towel, and passed it to him.

"Here."

He took it, and pressed it against his head with a small wince. "Thank you."

Josh nodded, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Sorry about Brendon. He's," he searched for the right words, but came up blank. "He's Brendon."

Tyler smiled his own weak version. "S'okay."

"Let's go to class, yeah?" He moved towards the door, Tyler moving behind him. "So you like Gym?"

"A little."

"Play any sports before?"

Tyler hesitated. Josh seemed to notice, but didn't point it out. That was nice of him, he thought. After a moment, he answered. "Basketball." But he didn't elaborate. He didn't know the cotton candy boy well enough yet.

Josh nodded, and pushed open the door of the Gym for the two. "Maybe I'll see you play one time."

Tyler hummed a little, leaving the answer in the air.

But Josh didn't push it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When writing boys, I forget that most aren't short and don't have to LOOK UP AT PEOPLE! Because I do. Constantly. I forget most people aren't my height at this age. Or Maybe they are. Maybe I just have giant friends.


	7. Drummer Boy

Tyler's forehead was still hurting by the time Gym class was half through. But judging by the lump that had now properly formed under the skin, and the slight purple colour decorating it, that was to be expected.

The teacher who was currently yelling from the sidelines at their not very exciting soccer game was a middle aged man with a mustache full of grey hairs. He had a whistle around his neck and his polo shirt tucked in. Tyler mused to himself that he reminded him of the stereotypical Gym teachers that you always saw in movies.  He didn't think he likes him very much with the way he walked in late with an ice pack to his face, but Josh assured him he didn't really like anyone at all unless you excelled at sport in some way or another. But Tyler wasn't really interested in being on his good side anyway. He just wanted to stay under the radar all together for now.

His next class was a free period, incidentally with Josh alone. Brendon apologised yet again for the purple lump on his head as he separated for his History class, leaving Josh murmuring something about being glad he was taking Geography instead of thinking about dead people. The last part made Tyler's stomach curl just a little.

"Library?" he asked. Well, more murmured.

Josh hummed, and led the way down the hall. Tyler kept close to his back, like he had with Ryan on his first day there. The noise wasn't as bad this time, and it didn't hammer in his ears like drums at a metal concert. Although, he'd rather the music, no matter how loud. Josh side eyed him as they walked though, and took notice of his tightening grip on his bag. Ryan had told him he got a little jittery in the hallways, but Josh understood that just as much as him. He was just a little better at handling it all by himself.

There were only a few people inside the library, but it was far quieter and calmer than outside its walls. Tyler liked that; preferred it far more.

He followed the cotton candy boy to a table in the back of the room, and slid in the seats beside each other. Josh pulled out his phone, and started to mess around with it. Tyler just took a moment to look around the room more than he had the previous day. The isles of stacked books were full to the brim and there were random stacks on a few of the tables around them. He debated about pulling out his own book and doing some reading. But instead, Josh spoke. It kind of surprised him. He's expected him to somewhat ignore him from then on.

"So how's your head now?" He had dropped his phone onto the table in front of him, ignoring it as it buzzed with a message.

Tyler ran his fingers over the lump, sighing slightly. "Sore."

"No doubt, man. I mean I basically _felt_ it when you hit it it was so loud."

Tyler chewed on his lip, a little bothered that he'd already embarrassed himself to someone he barely knew. Josh just hummed though.

"You really don't talk much, huh?"

His heart stuttered for a moment, and the brunette locked his eyes with the other's. Most people weren't blunt about it. They either tiptoed around the topic or bypassed it and him all together. But the blue haired boy didn't seem to hold any cruel intentions behind his words.

Tyler nibbled at his lip again and played with the palm of his hand. He shrugged in reply with a barely audible, "Not really."

"That's alright. Brendon talks _too_ much," he said.

He couldn't help the tug of his lips that occurred at the other's words.

"If it's all the same to you, I'm just going to listen to music. Unless you wanted too...talk." It wasn't really a question. More like an open ended statement that made Tyler feel like he didn't really have to answer with words. Which was nice.

So in response, he shook his head and pulled out his phone as well. Josh nodded and pressed in his earphones, Tyler doing the same. For the rest of the lesson he simply listened to music. After some time, he ended up with his chin rested on his hand, sleep threatening to cloud his thoughts.

In a moment of clarity, he felt something tapping against the desk across from him. He dragged his eyes open the whole way to observe the blue haired boy tapping his index fingers against the edge of the desk. The action felt familiar, similar to his own common ones that arose when he listened to music.

It was a little different though; tapping with only his index fingers. And the pattern was more to that of the drums than a piano. Less notes and more erratic. Somehow the image of the punk boy played quite well with that of drums. Tyler starred for a while. He didn't mean too, but his tiredness made him zone off a little more than anticipated.

The blue haired boy opened his eyes and met the brunettes half lidded ones. He seemed surprised to see him looking, but didn't stop his actions. Instead, he half smiled. It threw Tyler off a little. He'd only seen him smile once so far, if he recalled correctly. And that was only slightly. But the common denominator in both situations was music. 

Tyler smiled back, more than before, although a little fast and guarded. But he couldn't help it. Something about the other's half smirk made his stomach flutter.

"You said you like music, right?" Josh asked, not even pulling out his earphones. Tyler figured he didn't expect him to answer with words.

So he nodded, and smiled ever so slightly again as the other boy nodded with something akin to understanding on his face.

Josh watched the other look at his drumming fingers. In all honestly, he had almost forgotten he was there. He was so use to being alone at this time, that his presence had slipped his mind almost all together when he became lost in his music. But he found the boy somewhat odd. Not in the way one might think. Yes, he questioned why he barely spoke, but he simply left that to a mix of personal reasons and personality. What he found odd, was how he not only seemed not bothered by the group's unconventional dynamics, but also the way that Josh himself didn't seem bothered by his close proximity. Even with Brendon, it took him a while to sit so close to him. And he only just noticed that their shoulders were almost touching.

It was all just odd. But he didn't hate it.

 

Brendon showed up five minutes late to first break, all but throwing himself into his seat beside Ryan. He groaned and dropped his head against the cold metal with a  _thud_. Ryan's lips twitched with amusement, while Josh huffed an amused sound with a somewhat blank expression. His eyes held humour, though. Tyler couldn't help but wince in sympathy though, the actions making him think of his own still bruised forehead.

"How was History?" Josh asked.

"Fuck you," he replied, face still pressed against the metal.

"I'm offended." But the blue haired boy's voice said differently.

"Ry, tell Josh to shut up."

Ryan rested his hand of Brendon's back. "Is he picking on you?"

"Yes."

"Oh well."

Brendon shot up, startling Ryan a little. They stared at each other. "I thought we were friends."

Ryan looked back at him for a moment longer, before turning away with a pink tinge to his ears. But Brendon just assumed it was the cold. "Nope," he said, smiling slyly.

Brendon feigned shock, before looking between Josh and Ryan. Then he turned his attention to Tyler, who hadn't said a word so far. The other brunette looked up and met his eyes with his own amusement over the whole conversation.

"What about you Tyler? You're my friend, right?"

Josh spoke first though. "You made him hurt himself."

"It was an accident!" He threw his arms up in false desperation.

Tyler couldn't help but laugh this time. It came out as something like a giggle, muffled by a hand he cupped over his mouth. There was something about the three of them that made him feel a little more at ease that normal. It was nice, and made his insides a little warmer.

Brendon grinned in satisfaction. "Look! He laughed!" He looked between the other two, like it was the biggest victory in the world. It was quite endearing. "You laughed! You can't hate me!"

Josh's lips curled up at the sound slightly of Tyler laughing. He wasn't sure why, but the way that Ryan was smiling too made him feel less weird about it.

"So we're friends, right?" Brendon asked again, staring at Tyler with big eyes.

Tyler nodded. "Yes."

"Woohoo!" Brendon cheered again, standing up from the table. He looked at Josh. "You coming?"

The blue haired boy stood up from beside Tyler, climbing back from the table. "Sure," he shrugged. He looked at Ryan. "Be back in ten, I guess."

"We've got Spanish together anyway."

Brendon groaned again. " _Clase de Español apesta_."

Josh looked at him as they left, throwing a backwards wave to the others. "Yet you still took the time to learn to say that."

"See you, Ry and Ty," he called back, laughing at the phrase. He turned back to Josh. "The first thing you wanted to learn was _vete_ _a_ _la_ _mierda_ ," he replied.

"It was important," Josh mused. "And it was Freshmen year. You wanted to learn it too."

"And now we're both fluent in foreign profanity."

Josh hummed in agreement as they reached the back of the Gym. Brendon pulled out a packet of full cigarettes from his pocket and passed one to Josh. "Late night trip?"

Brendon nodded, lighting the stick between his lips. "Yeah well the folks were arguing. So I snuck out."

"I'll get some of my own tonight."

Neither of them spoke for a few minutes, leaving the silence between them to fill up. It was funny sometimes, witnessing Brendon go from hyper and loud to calm and relaxed in a matter of minutes, if you could describe it with such a word. But Josh didn't mind him either way, and he knew Ryan felt the same. The leather wearing boy was so genuine with his personality that no matter which end of the emotional scale he was on, it was impossible to hate him.

"So Tyler seems cool," Brendon hummed.

"Well he doesn't hate us, so that's a bonus." He pushed out a breath of smoke.

Brendon snickered. "That's what I look for in a friend."

"What?"

"Someone who doesn't hate me," he laughed. Josh snorted too. "Maybe I'll see if he wants to go too Dallon's party with us."

"He doesn't seem like the party type."

"Well you seem like you  _would_ be but you barely go to any."

"What's that have to do with anything?" Josh raised an eyebrow.

"Maybe partying is his thing. Maybe he's not how he seems. Completely, I mean." Brendon tapped the ash off his cigarette.

"Not like any of us can say we're straightforward," he agreed.

Tyler and Ryan sat together for the remaining break time. He didn't ask where the other two went. The taller brunette spoke softly about different things. Like which teachers were nice and which were not. They didn't really speak of anything personal, but neither really minded. Ryan was not yet sure about how comfortable Tyler was with things like that. But he seemed content just to listen.

"You said you liked music class, right?"

Tyler nodded, eyes twinkling slightly.

"I do too. So does Josh and Brendon. We all take the class."

Tyler smiled over that, but didn't say anything. Ryan took that as a good sign.

"I play guitar. So does Brendon, but he plays piano too."

"Does Josh play drums?"

Ryan smiled at the question, then nodded. "Yeah. How'd you know?"

"Was tappin' the desk before. Like-" He took his index fingers and mimicked Josh's earlier actions against the edge of the table.

Ryan laughed lightly. "He does that sometimes. I don't think he always realises."

Tyler smiled again, biting back a laugh of his own.

"What do you play?"

The shorter boy went quiet for a second before answering. Like he was debating on whether to answer of not. But he did. "Piano, and guitar. But I like ukulele and bass. I play keyboard most."

Ryan nodded, listening to him contently. He hadn't heard him say that much in one go, he thinks. "I like bass guitar too. I think my fingers are too big to play piano." He held his hand up, and unexpectedly Tyler did too. Ryan's hand wasn't much bigger than the other's, but Tyler's fingers were more slender than his. "You have basketball hands, almost."

Ryan was almost positive he saw Tyler's fingers twitch back at that. And his jaw looked like it clenched with tension. But it all disappeared faster than he'd seen it, face smoothing back out and hand returning to his lap. "V'been told."

He didn't elaborated, and although Ryan's curiosity heightened, he didn't stay on the subject. "You should play piano for us one time. The other's would love that too."

Tyler's face grew nervous again, but not as severe as before. More like embarrassed. "M'not that good at it."

Ryan smiled. He'd have to be the judge of that. 

 


	8. Not Quite New Notes

It was only day and a half before Ryan's thoughts regarding Tyler's musical skill were to ring true; Thursday was to be his first Music class since starting at his new school and his stomach was already curling but the time he had finished breakfast.

He washed his bowl in the sink, silently watching his mother and Jay talking about something regarding the new sticker in the shape of a cat he had stuck to his collar. Zack sat across from them, headphones pressed into his ears and he chewed on a piece of jam covered toast. He didn't interact with them much any more even when he  _was_  at home. Not pleasantly, anyway. But Tyler was sure he understood a little as to why he was the way he was now, with his late night disappearances and misplaced attitude. He was similar in the past after all; although with less volatility and correctly placed anger. Something to do with why the photo frame on the counter was once again pushed over onto it's front, hiding the picture from view.

His mother smiled at him as he moved back upstairs, drying his damp hands on his pyjama shirt. 

Most of the boxes in his room were unpacked now, less one filled with photographs and another with books. Both had some of their contents scattered on the ground beside them, half sorted. He had posters hung on his walls now, a mix of  _Green Day,_ _Pearl Jam,_  and  _Muse._ The room was starting to remind him of the one in his old house, but he wasn't quite yet sure whether that was a good thing or not.

He had a few pictured on his bedside table now, and a few more taped on the doors of his wardrobe. Most were of family, back when part of it wasn't missing. There were six of them then, and sometimes he almost regretted remembering that. But if he forgot he would feel even worse. His mother looked happier back then, and Zack was more open. In most of the photos, Jay hugged himself to his mother's hip.

Tyler was different back then too. But not necessarily for the best. His eyes were just as dark as always, but there were far more things he was hiding behind them; under long pants and late night music making. Sometimes he would wonder to himself if maybe he was better back then, things would still be better now. Maybe he could have helped more. But the two people who no longer appeared anywhere but in those photographs could contest that even back then, things were far bigger than just Tyler.

But for now he just avoided thinking about things like that as best he could. Of course, it was always hard to avoid them when nights got late and his head got dark.

By the time he left the house, Zack was already five minutes in front of him. Jay stood behind him at the front gate, waving and giggling farewells with his mother. In the past, they all walked to school together. They'd drop Jay off on their way and keep going. But since things changed, and since Zack began to distance himself, Tyler was forced to walk alone with an empty shadow beside him. Now, he just tried to ignore it all with loud music.

Josh, Brendon, and Ryan were already inside the halls when he arrived, but he didn't greet them right away. Instead, he focused on depositing his things into his locker. There was an itching under his skin that had developed the moment he had put himself in the midst of the shouting teens, but he tried his best to ignore it. It had always been there, after all. He knew it would just take time to handle it better in this new situation.

Like the day before, the leather wearing boy was the first to greet him. Although this time he didn't jump on him or inadvertently surprise him to the point of self injury. Instead, he stood against the locker beside him with a grin too wide to be anything but endearing. So, Tyler tugged out his earphones with a faint smile of his own.

"Hey, T." Tyler tilted his head, but Brendon just laughed. "Makes sense, right? At least till I decide on a new one."

Ryan sighed from behind him. "You're not really that good at nicknames though. I mean you just call me a shortened version of my name all the time."

"Well at least it's something," the hyper brunette replied defensively.

Josh just hummed from behind them. "I see your forehead is better."

Tyler absent-mindedly ran his fingers over his forehead, that no longer housed a bump. It had healed relatively fast, but it wasn't particularly bad to start with, he reasoned. A nod was his reply.

The blue haired boy hummed again. "I'm heading to class."

"What, early?" Brendon seemed shocked. It made Ryan's lips twitch with a chuckle.

"I have to speak to the teacher."

"Okay." Brendon still held a perplexed face, word coming out more as a question.

"Let's go too, I guess," Ryan stretched his arms above his head with a yawn.

The three of them started to walk down the hall, but Tyler stayed, emptying the last of his things into his locker and closing it. He rubbed his hands over his face, scolding himself for not sleeping more. But insomnia was more or less a permanent thing after all, so there wasn't really any point.

Either way, he yawned again and turned around, expecting to have already lost the other three in the constant stream of student. He thought he saw Zack further away too, but he just looked past him. A blue haired mess stood out though, and he couldn't help but smile as Brendon stood in front of Josh waving his hands above his head wildly. It looked as though Ryan was trying to calm him, in an effort to stop him from accidentally hitting someone as they walked around him like a stone in the middle of a stream.

"Hurry up slow poke!"

Tyler hummed to himself as he half jogged to meet them. The itching under his skin was already lessening.

"Ryan said you play guitar."

Tyler nodded. Then remembered that the blue haired boy probably was watching more where he was going then his reaction. "Yeah."

"And piano?"

"Uh-huh."

"Nice." 

Tyler smiled a little as he tried to push down the pulsing growing behind his ears.

The brunette kept pace beside Josh through the hallways. Ryan and Brendon both walked behind him talking about something he couldn't keep track of. Instead he focused on keeping one foot in front of the other. Their first class had gone off without a hitch, but the one he was currently moving towards did not feel as though it would do so well. 

It was music after all, and his anxiety was even more heightened than earlier.

A hand moved to his shoulder, and he jumped a little, but didn't stumble. Ryan's apologetic face looked at him as he began to walk beside him.

"Sorry," he said, surveying Tyler's face with something akin to concern. "Are you okay?"

Tyler nodded, and kept his head forward again.

"You look more nervous than before."

Brendon appeared next to Ryan. "Well this is a new class, right? Obviously he's nervous!"

"I suppose," Ryan murmured.

Josh stood on the other side of Tyler, and cast his eyes down at him as he continued to walk. He could see his throat moving as he swallowed. His brown eyes seemed a little wider than normal too, the underside of them still bruised from sleepless nights. Josh frowned, but didn't say anything. The way Tyler was picking at the palms of his hands made him think he'd only make him more nervous if he brought anything up. So instead, he moved his head and murmured a soft, "It'll be okay."

Tyler simply nodded, but it seemed to make his eyes a little less wide. Ryan cast Josh and Tyler both a glace, but returned to Brendon's conversation about pizza toppings without saying anything.

Tyler felt like his introduction to music was a relativity common given his life growing up. It wasn't really until middle school when he started to fall into the world of fast tempos, electric guitars and words that sometimes resonated a little too much. In the beginning, his parents didn't really approve of the loud vocals and rebellious lyrics, but things changes when he made his growing connection to it all very clear.

For his twelfth birthday, his parents bought him a second hand keyboard. In no time at all, he had mastered a handful of rhythms and melodies. At the age of fourteen, he was gifted a guitar from his father that was probably far older than he was. It still sat in one of the big boxes in the basement waiting to be unpacked. He hadn't yet swallowed his nerves enough to look at it, fearing the worse in ways of dammage.

As the doorway of the class loomed over him, his feet stuttered, and his back collided with someone behind him. The other person swore, and Tyler felt himself fall forward a little, toes catching him up. But Brendon was in front of him now, and instead of the floor, he made contact with the boy's leather jacket.

"Watch it, dude."

Tyler spun on his heal, "I'm so sorry!"

The boy before him stood with messy brown hair and a chin dusted with stubble. He looked far bulkier than Tyler, and far more mean. But thankfully, a blue haired saviour stepped in. Brendon looked like he would have if he didn't, though.

"He didn't mean too, Frank. Chill."

The boy, Frank, sighed and ran his hand over his face before looking at Josh. "Sorry." He looked at Tyler, and the way his eyes were already larger than would be considered good. "Sorry," he said again. 

"You okay?" Tyler nodded at him. It seemed to convince Josh, and he looked back at Frank. "You?"

"Gerard got himself way more that pissed drunk again."

"Damn," Josh mumbled. "Mikey?"

"Called me because he couldn't get him to calm down. Parents are way again."

"Bloody hell."

Tyler watched the exchange, not really knowing what was going on, but was pulled away by Brendon. "Are you okay?" 

Tyler nodded yet again. But when he remembered where he was, his insides felt like poison butterflies. "Let's sit down. C'mon." He tugged at Tyler's elbow, gently, and led him further into the class. 

Brendon pushed himself onto the surface of one of the desks. Tyler took space in the seat next to him, and cast his eyes back to the door. Josh walking in a moment later, and deposited himself behind Tyler, where Ryan soon joined him.

When the lesson began, Tyler's stomach flipped over and over. The lady at the front of the class stood tall in an ankle length dress with a cardigan the shade of daises. She looked nice enough, but looks could be deceiving. He kept reading her name from the board to make sure he didn't forget. Mrs Gailia.

Tyler was called on after the third quarter of the lesson by the teacher. She walked towards the four of them with a piece of paper in her hand. The four of them looked away from each other, where they had they chairs turned to use two desks all together, and looked back at her.

"Tyler?" 

He nodded up at her. "Yes?"

She pushed her red hair behind one of her ears. She wore music note earrings. "I was reading your details from your last school, and it says you excelled at music in particular."

Tyler nodded again, not really sure where all this was going. The teacher had proven herself to be kind after all, but something about the direction of the conversation made him a little nervous.

"Everybody is working now, but I was wondering if you might play me something on the piano to show me where you're at. If you don't mind."

Now, to say Tyler didn't feel pressured would be a lie. But there was a single speck of happiness at the mention of playing music. The audience was more the problem than anything else. In his previous school, he had rarely played in front of anybody other than the teacher, but that was more because the only time he was ever asked to play was for testing. 

When he looked around again, most of the class was working soundly, and half the room was still unoccupied. So he swallowed and nodded. "Okay."

Brendon's smile was so wide it almost made some of his anxiety go away. Almost. Ryan on the other hand, held a slight ting of worry in his eyes. The blue haired boy held an unreadable expression. But Tyler tried not to think about any of that. Instead he kept his eyes on the piano as he slid out its stool and took a seat.

He lifted up the sleek black fall board with gentle fingers. The entire piano looked well cared for, with all surfaces dust free and the pedals undamaged completely. 

"It's nice, isn't it?"

"Very," he murmured.

"I'm surprised the school had kept it so well maintained. It was here before I was." She smiled. "Now," she gestured to the keys. "In your own time. Play anything you'd like."

The keys were near perfect white, and he ran his fingers over them without ever pressing a single one. He looked at her hesitantly. "Anything"

"If it's what you know best, of course." 

His stomach fluttered again, butterflies floating around him. He tuned his gaze to the three boys turned in their seats to observe him. Brendon looked excited, while the other two just looked content, still mixed with something he wasn't quite sure about.

But nobody else was paying attention. So he turned back to the key and breathed.

And as calm as he could, he pressed down the first key.


	9. Mellon Collie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Click the link for the song, if you want. It's a lovely piece.

[Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness](https://youtu.be/JFEftsKAUvY)

**(Click the link for the song)**

**a/n Play the song, if you'd like.**

Tyler's nerves danced under his skin like lightning through a storm; the heartbeat in his ears the accompanying thunder. His fingertips felt like wind as the keys waltzed along with him. Although with the tempo, it felt more like a tango. 

Mrs Gailia held quite a happy look upon her face as she stood back and listened to the notes being played. In her mind, the grades from his previous school did not do him justice.

Brendon's smile was still present as he rested his chin against the back of his chair that he was currently turned around in. Ryan and Josh stared too, a little awed at the music coming from the boy. They all knew that he was musically inclined by now, but the music seemed to be a little more than just noted strung together. 

Josh recognise the song first, almost instantly. Ryan looked at him to confirm, and smiled when the blue haired boy nodded in agreement.

_Melon Collie and the Infinite Sadness._

Tyler had always liked to play sad songs, especially on the piano. He liked the way the cords made him feel. Of course it was not the only thing he ever played, but it was usually something along those lines.

Josh studied Tyler's face as he played. His eyes were cast down to the keys, watching his fingers with each note. The longer the song went on, the more relaxed his shoulders seemed to become, till there was almost no tension in them at all. His entire body language seemed to have changed, like he was a completely different person. The blue haired boy could understand that, though. When he played the drums, he threw his entire body and heart into it, leaving everything else behind. He could feel every hit of his drumsticks against the skin of the drums like his own heartbeat. 

Tyler's head began to bow lower, as his fingers danced faster still. It was like there was a link between him and the notes, each sound resonating with every part of who he was. 

"Dude, that sounds awesome," Brendon murmured to the others, pushing himself back into a more comfortable position on his backwards chair.

"Different to your style," Ryan replied. "Little more," he thought for a moment, but he couldn't quite think of how to finish.

"Sad?" Josh supplied, not taking his eyes off the boy.

"Yeah. Maybe. Darker? Emotional, but darker thoughts maybe."

"I'm louder." Brendon smiled a little more.

"That too," Ryan laughed silently behind crinkled eyes.

The three of them stopped talking again. The music washed over them, corroding away any coherent thoughts.

There was a crashing sound, and the three of them looked to the left. One of the boys across the room was on the floor in front of his pushed out chair, groaning slightly. It had obviously been pulled out from under him. Brendon spluttered a laugh from behind his hand, along with a bright orange haired girl behind the fallen boy. Everybody else was watching Tyler silently, entirely ignoring the clutter. Mrs Gailia just shook her head with a sigh.

It seemed to make Brendon laugh even louder.

But then he noticed, that with the start of his sound, the piano stopped. 

Tyler turned fast at the sound, and his eyes changed like a deer caught in headlights. His entire body seemed to tense instantaneously, fingers ghosting above the keys, leaving the last played notes echoing through the air. He hadn't noticed the entire class watching him. Nearly every single one of them looked back at him. How had he not noticed? He had fallen too far into his notes, soul take over by sound. 

_Why are they watching? I didn't see them watching. I didn't think I was that loud. _Why were they laughing?_ They don't like it. Maybe I messed up the notes? I must have-_

Mrs Gailia looked at him, her brow furrowed with concern. "Tyler?"

He ceased his thoughts for a moment, and snapped his head towards her, but he could barely look her in the eye. There was blood beating in his ears and a lump rising in his throat.

_Stupid. Stupid. Calm down. You're making a scene!_

He clutched the hem of his shirt in his shaking hands in an effort to calm them. "M-May I be excused?"

His voice was quiet, barely heard b _y_  anyone. Such a contrast to the overwhelming sounds he was just creating. Josh for one, could only see his lips moving. No sound. But he recognised the body language just as well as the other. He was ready to run.

"Of course," she replied, voice tender. She tugged out a pass and handed it to him discreetly, then looked around the room. "Back to work, please everyone."

Most of the student's heads fell back to their work, less his three friends and the girl across the room. She looked guilty, as though she had known what had happened. As fast as he could, Tyler stepped up from the piano, dropped down the fall board, picked up his bag beside his desk and left. He didn't make eye contact with any of the three, but they kept their stares on him non-the-less. his hands still shook as he clutched his bag over his shoulder.

Mrs Gailia looked at them as she walked over, concern on her features. "Would one of you go with him please?" She spoke quietly. No doubt trying to keep it low toned.

Brendon looked at the other two, well aware that he was probably not the best for the moment. To his surprise though, it was Josh who stood up first, not Ryan. Although he looked ready to do so too. 

"I'll go."

Mrs Gailia pulled out another pass from her pocket, and pressed it into his hand. 

Josh nodded at her and left without a word, dragging his backpack behind him with his work thrown in half haphazardly. The hallway was empty, but at the far end, he saw the brown haired boy disappear around the corner towards the back doors. 

Josh began to jog.

The back door was still swinging a little as he reached it, and he pushed it open. It was cold outside, and he instantly reached for the collar of his jacket, tugging it up a little to cover more of his neck. He couldn't see Tyler right away, his eyes looking around the grounds for the brown haired boy.

But then he heard something. Quiet, but still there.

"Stupid. Stupid. Stupid."

He turned his gaze to his right, and his eyes fell on the brunette, back against the wall with his hands bunched against the sides of his head. His breathing was fast, chest visibly heaving with each cycle of oxygen entering and exiting his burning lungs. He hunched forward slightly, hands moving to his face instead, pressing his palms into his eyes as though they were hurting. He felt as though he might explode.

"That won't help, you know."

Tyler's head shot up, never even noticing the blue haired boy had appeared. He kept his gaze on him, his own brown eyes meeting mocha ones. There was like a pleading behind them.

Josh looked for a second longer before his feet took him to stand right before him. 

"It'll p-" he gasped. "Pass."

"Sit down," Josh said. It wasn't really a suggestion, but there was no malice behind it. 

Tyler looked back at him, confused, and still breathing to hard to think right. Josh looked back at him for another second, before sinking to the concrete next to him. And a second later, the brunette slid down the wall to meet him.

He moved to press his face into his knees.

"Don't do that. It'll make it worse."

Slowly he raised his head again. It was odd, but somehow Josh's voice overtook his erratic thoughts. It was usually impossible for even his mother to help him in the past. But something in the cotton candy boy's eyes looked almost like he  _recognised_  what was happening. Completely. Like he'd lived it.

Josh had had panic attacks before. In the past he had experienced them frequently, but in the form of silence and nausea and heavy eyes. The first time he can remember having one was when one of his cousins locked him in the closet after finding out he was still afraid of the dark. Back then, it was probably the single most scariest experience of his life. Now, it was barely an inconvenient memory. Although he knew, that if it ever happened again, it would feel just as bad as it did back then.

But Tyler's chest was still throbbing. He could hear thunder in his ears and his heartbeat in his throat, overpowering anything and everything. It was all too much. His left hand went back up to his neck, and he dug in his nails in a desperate attempt to seek purchase on something stable.

Josh moved his hand towards him, but seemed to change his mind. He pulled it back, and opted to just stare at Tyler once more. 

"Don't do that."

Tyler gasped again.

"Look around you." He gestured to the general area. "How many trees can you see?"

"T-Trees?"

"Yes. Trees. Count them."

If Tyler could think properly, he'd ask what he was doing. But he wasn't, so he did as he was told. His chest hurt from the rushed in and out of cold air, but he tried his best to answer the question. He counted slowly just to be sure. He was positive his vision was spinning from the lack of oxygen to his brain. 

"S-Six."

Josh nodded. "What about tables?"

Tyler swallowed, and tugged his nails away from his neck, leaving only slightly irritated skin behind. "Three."

Josh's lips twitched just a little as he saw Tyler's chest begin to move more in rhythm. "Trash cans?"

"Two."

"Blades of grass."

Tyler frowned. His hands both returned to rest upon his knees. "There's too many."

"I know how many there are."

"Really?"

"At least twelve."

Tyler looked at him, lips twitched. Josh looked back. His face was blank, but his eyes held something else. He wasn't quite sure what, but it made him feel a little happier, for one reason or another.

"Now," the blue haired boy continued. "Count the clouds."

He looked straight up, till the top of his head was nearly touching the wall behind him again. He could feel his neck becoming more exposed to the air as he moved. But that didn't really matter. For the first time in a while, he noticed how blue the sky was. There was nothing at all there. No birds he could see, or jet streams or planes. Just blue. 

"There aren't any." He looked back at Josh, as though waiting to see if that was the correct answer. 

Josh's lips twitched again, but he didn't quite smile. It was enough though. "How's the air?"

And then Tyler realised he was breathing again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orange haired girl was Hayley Williams. 
> 
> Also,The Smashing Pumpkins is one of my top favourite bands (out of my extensive music taste), and I genuinely love this whole album. They make me feel things. Especially To Forgive. I recommend them. 


	10. New Contact

"Do you want to go back inside yet?"

Tyler shook his head, his eyes closed as he rested against the wall. It had passed, and he was grateful for that, but the heavy feeling that ran through him after never made things easy. His head felt a little fuzzy, thoughts half clouded.

"Takes a lot out of ya, huh." It wasn't a question. Just a statement.

Again to Tyler, it seemed like Josh knew. It was almost comforting. "You've..."

"Yeah. In the past," he ran his hand through his hair. He seemed to do that a lot.

Neither of them spoke for a while, and Josh joined Tyler in resting his head back against the bricks. He looked at the brunette for a moment, watching his throat move as he swallowed. He looked peaceful now. Well, significantly more so than before.

"Thank you."

Josh was met with golden brown irises, reflecting the light perfectly. They looked tired though, continual sleeplessness stored under his eyes in grey lines and droopy eyelids. "What for?"

"Helpin'," he murmured.

The blue haired boy didn't answer at first. He just nodded and looked away. "You get them often?"

He could see Tyler nod from the corner of his eye. "Increasingly," was all he said.

Josh could sense that he knew the reason clearly enough, but simply chose not to explain. He was okay with that.

The bell sounded before too long, and the blue haired boy stood up, extending a hand to the other. "Ready?"

He nodded, and took the hand.

"You know," Josh murmured as he fixed his jacket collar. "You really are good at the piano."

He started walking, completely missing the way the brunette's face grew two shades rosier. The praise did something odd to him.

 

Ryan and Brendon had both decided it best not to mention Tyler's 'piano incident' when they met together back at the classroom for Josh to collect his things. As he slung his bag over his shoulder and returned to the hall, he nodded once in reply to their 'is he okay' glance. So it was forgotten as they left for first break.

"We're all going to a party this weekend," Brendon said, words half unrecognisable with his sandwich half pushed in his mouth.

Ryan scrunched up his face, but said nothing. Josh just sighed. Tyler hummed around his drink bottle, wondering what that had to do with him. 

"Want to come?"

Oh. So that's what it had to do with him.

"Uh," he murmured, looking away for a moment.

Brendon's eyes grew wide, and he slapped his hands on the desk loudly. "Don't tell me you've never been to a party!?"

Tyler blinked at him for a second. "A-A couple."

"Only a couple!?"

"Jesus Brendon, chill," Josh sighed from beside Tyler. "Not everyone's party crazy like you."

"I am _NOT_ party crazy," he defended himself.

"I beg to differ."

Brendon stared at Josh for a moment, before laughing out loud. Ryan's face lit up a little, a smile gracing his lips as he looked down at his lap. He seemed happy every time the leather wearing boy laughed. It made Tyler wonder something...but he didn't dwell on it. It wasn't his business. Although he couldn't help but think that when he had likened them both to musty books and spiced coffee, he hasn't realised how well the two went together.

Brendon looked at him again when he had calmed down. "You don't have to come with us, but it'll be fun."

Tyler couldn't say parties weren't his thing. It's not that he didn't enjoy them, it was more that he'd never been exactly invited to one before. More dragged along by people who would undoubtedly leave him in the middle of the crowd every time.

"M'not really," he mumbled as he he scratched his chin, wondering how to phrase it all properly.

"Huh?" Brendon leaved further over the table, invading what some might call their 'personal space'. That didn't exist with the hyper brunette though. He didn't seem to have heard what Tyler had mumbled.

"M'not very fun."

Brendon scoffed. "Lies!" He threw his hands up above his head in a dramatic display of humorous annoyance.

Tyler's lips twitched into a slight smile. The other boy just couldn't let him be stoic. It was near impossible.

Ryan hummed. "I'm not fun either, don't worry."

Brendon basically leaped at him, slinging his arm around his shoulder. Ryan jumped slightly as their faces were pressed together, but tried his best not to react any further. Tyler was sure he saw a rosy tinge to his face though.

"Lies," the hyper boy whisper shouted against his face. Ryan bit his lip to hold back a grin.

When Brendon sat back in his seat, he stuffed the other half of the sandwich in his mouth. Josh just sighed throughout the whole thing.  Tyler took another sip of his water and slipped a chip into his mouth.

"So," Brendon began, "Do you want to come with us?"

Tyler picked at his hand under the cuffs of his sleeves, as he thought of his answer. These were people he barely knew. He felt like they were his friends, yes, but something was...off. Not with them, but within himself. There was something itching at the back of his skull with claws made of fear of abandonment and something else he couldn't quite pick.

"Uh..." 

"Pass me your phone."

Tyler looked up. Brendon's voice had changed somehow. Not as loud as before, and not as...hyper, maybe? Calmer. He wasn't sure, but his whole demeanour seemed to change.

Tyler passed over his mobile without question. Well, not out loud anyway.

Brendon passed it back in a moment, and the other took it. "It's on Saturday. We'll come get you if you want to come. It's all up to you. Just text me." He smiled, and it made Tyler feel a little more at ease.

"Thank you," he said, smiling at his phone. He unlocked it and went to his contacts, instantly laughing at the new addition.

Josh leaned over slightly and looked at the screen. He simply sighed and looked at Brendon. "Really?"

"What?" Ryan asked, eyeing Brendon's wide grin.

Tyler held up the phone. The contact read; _Ur_ _Boi_ _Beebo_ _._

Ryan snorted back a laugh, that made Brendon feign offence.

"I thought it was pretty good."

Tyler put the phone back into his pocket, and looked at the spiced coffee boy.

"Thank you, Brendon."

The other brunette looked back at him, eyes crinkling as he gave him a toothy grin.

"No problem."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never really expected this to be such a slow work up, but it just seems to have happened that way. I don't really know what I have planned for this book yet, but I hope you all like it. It's therapeutic to me, writing about another world when I don't always like my own. Some part of me wonders if writing about another one's head state as well might help me understand my own..
> 
> But either way, thank you for reading, if you still are. If not, then thank you for at least looking at this in the first place.


	11. Go, Or No

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite emotional over the recent suicide news on Chester. I'm going to be cliché here, but music has helped me so much though things. And I've been listening to Linkin Park since I was a kid. I remember always waiting for new albums and songs. The lyrics always gave me an escape from the world. I could feel their singing instead of my own thoughts. Other bands have done that too, yes, but Linkin Park was one of the first ones.
> 
> Basically, I am very sad. And being someone who had contemplated suicide a lot in the past, I'm even sadder.
> 
> Stay safe.

It was Friday. That simple fact made Tyler's chest feel a little lighter. He had gotten through four days, starting on Tuesday, at a new school in a new town. That was a small accomplishment that made him somewhat pleased.

The day went slowly for the most part, but there was still that slightly relaxed vibe through it all. Brendon yelled just as loud as always of course, and Ryan tinged red whenever the other brunette would do something like press their faces together or sling his arms over his shoulders. Josh would reply to Brendon's sass with his own almost monotone sarcasm and insults. Everything was the same as before. But it didn't bother Tyler in the slightest. Not even when Brendon accidentally threw a chip packet at him, while aiming for Josh.

When the day was finished, Tyler was confused at the slight sadness that blanketed him at the thought of leaving the others. That hadn't happened in a long time. But he pushed it to the back of his head and ignored it as best he could.   


"Hey which way do you walk home?" Brendon asked as they neared the front gate. So far, Tyler would leave after the others, waiting till the hallway was a little quieter to take his things from his locker in peace. It was louder _after_ school, after all.   


But for some reason this time the other three had waited for him to grab his things before leaving. He pointed in answer.   


"Wait we go the same way?"

Tyler nodded.

"Obviously," Josh said.   


"How did we not know that?!" For some reason Brendon was completely surprised. More so than the situation called for.

"I usually...leave after you guys."

"Oh. That makes sense." Brendon looked satisfied by that answer. "So you always walk home alone?"

"Didn't use to, but now, yeah." He didn't elaborate. Although Tyler sort of felt like he'd said more than they needed to know. He hadn't meant to, of course.

Josh looked at him from the corner of his eye, wondering if there was anything behind that statement that mattered. He then wondered why he was so interested in the first place.   


"You should walk with us now." That was all Brendon said.  


"O-Okay."

"Pushy much," Josh said, not cruelly.

"You love it."

"I don't," Josh replied.

"Rude."

"You know it."

Ryan stifled a laugh behind his hand, Tyler nearly having to do the same.

  


When they reached the corner of one of the streets, before Brendon's house, Tyler stopped. "Uh-here's me."

"Which is your one?" Brendon asked, using his hand to shield the sun from his face.

Tyler pointed, not even sure if it helped him answer. "The blue one."

"With Tulips out the front?"

Ryan looked at Brendon, nearly quizzical. "How do you know about flower names?"

Said boy looked proud of himself. "I'm a man of many talents."

"And very few brain cells," Josh muttered, somehow unheard by his intended target.

Tyler couldn't help but let a second of a giggle escape his lips quietly. But he failed to see the sideways glace Josh gave him. There was amusement in the cotton candy boy's eyes, although his face was still mostly stoic. Ryan didn't miss the look, though. Or course not.  


"Well you don't need to send me your address now." Brendon grinned.  


Tyler tilted his head in question.   


"For the party," Ryan elaborated.   


"If you decide to go." Josh tugged at his jacket collar.

"I-uh-" Tyler looked at his feet, feeling like he'd been put on the spot. He shouldn't have, he reasoned internally. He was making things a bigger deal than they had to be.

"I'll be up late. Text me tonight or tomorrow. There's still time." Brendon put his hand on Tyler's shoulder, patting it. Tyler tried his best not to react, and was secretly proud of himself when he didn't. Negatively, anyway.  


"Kay," he murmured. "I'll let you know."

"Cool! See ya Ty Guy!"

"Dude," Josh looked at the loud boy as the three of them started to walk again. "No." He turned back to Tyler, walking backwards for a moment. He flicked two fingers towards him from his forehead in a mock salute.

"Bye." Ryan smiled, catching up with the other two.

Tyler nodded back at them, a tiny smile on his lips as he turned away and crossed the road towards his house.  


  


He was quiet at dinner, but that wasn't unusual. Zack sat across from him in silence. Jay sat beside him with tomato sauce on his nose. He reached and wiped it off, smiling warmly at his little brothers following giggle. He contemplated about asking about the party. Since he'd been asked by Brendon and the others, he'd spent a long time thinking. He knew he was overdoing it. It was a simple decision, to go or not.

But in his own mind it wasn't.

He went to his room after eating, and sat on his bed looking at his phone. The choice was eating at him more that it should. It frustrated him.   


There was a knock on his door and his head shot up. Slowly the door opened, his mother leaning against his door frame.

"Are you okay, duck?"

He hesitated, but nodded.

"You were quiet at dinner. More than normal. Did something happen?"

Tyler sighed. "There's a party I got asked to go too."  


"When is it?"

"Tomorrow night."

There was a silence, both of them expecting to say something more. His mother spoke up first, though. "Are you going to go?"

"I-uh...don't know yet."

His mother smiled, pushing a lock of hair behind her ear. She  stood up straight, away from the frame. "I think," she started, making sure to look him directly in the eye. "You should go."

"You do?" Tyler looked back at her with uncertainty in his expression.

"I do."   


She looked back to Tyler with a small smile. "These new friends of yours..."

"Yes?"

"They seem good for you."

Tyler looked at her for a minute, quizzical. "Really?"

She nodded, and left. "You do whatever you feel comfortable with, sweetheart."  


When she was gone, Tyler picked up his phone. His finger's hovered over the keys for a long while before he finally pressed send. He wished words were as easy as piano notes.  


**To; Ur Boi Beebo - I'll go to the party.**

He put his phone down and listened to the sound of _Linkin Park_ as he waited for a reply. Part of him was worried he wouldn't get one at all.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know not much happened in this chapter, but it was more for bridging to the next one than actual development.


	12. Band aid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n - physical violence; not too graphic

"Do you think he'll come to the party?" Ryan asked.

Josh shrugged.

"Do you like him?"

"Sure. Cool kid. Why?"

"Just wondering. People don't just stroll into our world so easily, remember," Ryan murmured.

Josh left a gap between their voices. "I dunno. He seems...fuck, I dunno."

"Similar."

The blue haired boy sighed. "You tell me. You're good at reading people."

"Maybe. But I can't always tell. He's not an open book. He's complicated."

"Aren't we all?"

"True."

Josh nodded. They stopped outside his house. "Seems like a cool kid. Under all the nerves."

"Yeah."

"Like you."

Ryan laughed gently. "Why do you say nice things to me and mean things to Bren?"

Josh smiled with his eyes. "B'Cos he's not the one in serious need of a confidence boost."

The brunette looked down at his feet, and didn't reply.

"See ya, Ry."

He looked back up a minimal amount and smiled slightly. "See ya." He left, shoving his hands back into his pocket as he walked.

Josh turned away and pushed open the damaged gate to the house. Just as always, there as a slight heaviness lining his stomach as he moved closer to the front door. The moment he opened it, he was bombarded by the sound of swearing and grumbling along with the smell of too-strong spirits. His stomach instantly dropped. But he didn't let it stop him. He hadn't let it stop him in a long time. Dropping his bag in the doorway, he stepped further into the house, silent and hesitant of whatever was to come. The noise came from the kitchen, and he approached with caution. 

"Fuck!"

There was a crash, the sound of something shattering, and then more swearing.

"Where the fuck-"

More breaking cut off the words from reaching Josh's ears as he stepped forward again. His old man stood at the far side of the kitchen surrounded by open cupboards and what he presumed to be shattered bottles. It wasn't like there was a shortage of those to break.

The drunkard's singlet was ripped, and his hair was messy and disgustingly oily. His fingernails were overgrown and cracked, caked from scratching at his dirty skin. He was like a cockroach dipped in dirty oil and junk yard muck. The sight made Josh sick to his stomach.

His old man turned around, eyes burning but simultaneously glazed from the ingested liquor running though his wretched body. He didn't seem to notice Josh at all at first. But when he did, his eyes grew darker, more horrid.

"You," he growled, stepping closer around the island counter covered in trash and dirty plates. "You took it didn't you!"

Josh swallowed his nerves at being confronted by a man larger than him, and stood his ground. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"There were more cans somewhere! Where are they!?"

Josh sneered as threateningly as he could. "Fuck no! I don't drink that shit!" That was true, after all. He could barely stand the smell of beer. Probably due to the rancid odour it left stuck to the walls of his home after the years. Sure, he'd take other things, but rarely, and never beer.

He took another step forward, and Josh could almost smell his gut wrenching breath. "You piece a'shit where did ya put them!?"

The younger was sure he felt some spittle land on his face. "I didn't touch your bloody beer!"

Josh grunted as the sweaty man stepped forward and pushed him back into the wall with his grimy hands. They stared at each other for a minute, one with drunken fury and the other with disgust, hatred, and...an inkling of fear. A hairy forearm was still pressed against his throat, but he didn't let him see how he was barely breathing. From never-admitted terror or from the pressure on his windpipe, he wasn't quite sure.

The old man sneered with his vomit inducing breath and removed his arm. Josh pushed him back further, desperate to keep his distance. 

He half turned as he moved towards the hallway. "I'm going out. I don't want to be near your drunk ass."

"Fuck off then!"

Josh turned back towards the older man, and watched him pick up one of the half full bottles from the counter. He moved to the left and back into the hall, but not quite fast enough.

"Shit!" The bottle smashed against the wall beside his head, the glass shattering on impact.

The blue haired boy raised a hand to his face, feeling some of the liquid from the bottle trickle down his face. When he pulled back his fingers, there was blood mixed with the liquid. He stifled a hiss as the spirits entered the slightly sliced skin. He mused that the thing that caused the problem might inadvertently keep the damage clean, no matter how small it was.

"You're a fucking drunk mess, you dead old man."

That was all he said before he turned back around and left the house, picking up his bag as he did.

The first time Josh ever had a physical confrontation with his father was only a few years ago. Before that, it had all been verbal. It didn't take him long to handle the vile words thrown at him, but it took him longer to not look shaken during anything relating poisonously powerful hands. It was a skill he needed to acquire though, if you could call it such a thing. He needed to adapt.

He tugged at his collar before taking his pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He lit one, and it was only when he had to hold the cigarette with his other hand to light it that he realised he was shaking. His fingers twitched and moved as the heavy feeling in his stomach refused to disappear. It happened sometimes, after he had a 'run in' with the man he once graced with title of a parent. His insides would burn under his skin and poison butterflies would dance in his stomach in a violent display of nerves. Sometimes he would think about it too much, about the filthy hands pushing him, scratching at his skin, leaving bruises in places he could barely hide, blaming him for why his family had-

He cut it all off with a puff of poison smoke.

He found himself standing on the doorstep of his leather wearing best friend. Of course. It was the first place he thought of going to before even realising it. He knocked, and waited, breathing in the last of his cigarette smoke before pressing it out against the heal of his shoe.

"Hey, Josh! What's up?" Brendon was talking the second he opened the door to see the blue haired boy.

"Hey."

Brendon went quiet. He didn't say anything for a moment. He simply surveyed Josh's face, and when he opened his mouth again, he was calmer. Quieter. "C'mon." He led the blue haired boy into the house and closed the door behind him.

They sat silently in Brendon's bedroom, surrounded by half haphazardly thrown clothes and CD's. The brunette handed Josh a packet of tissues and band aids. He took it and wiped his cheek of blood.

"What happened?"

Josh sighed - emotionless. "He couldn't find any more beer. Prolly drunk all'v it."

Brendon furrowed his brown slightly, but quickly smoothed it away. "What'd he do?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Josh," the brunette pressed. Quiet and smooth.

"Pushed me against the wall. Threw a bottle."

They were silent again as Josh smoothed out the band aid against his skin. They didn't talk for a while after that. Bredon learned fast that words of sympathy never made things better.

It was getting past late afternoon before either of them realised. Around eight o'clock or something. Brendon was never really that good at keeping track of time. He passed a blunt to Josh, exhaling a mass of smoke from his own. He tried to make smoke rings, but failed. The sound of _Gorillaz_ hummed in the background.

"Knew you couldn't do it," teased Josh, mellowed out.

"I can too! I swear I did it, you fucking smurf," he argued back at the blue haired boy.

"Smurf?"

"Yes."

"Weak."

Brendon looked at him for a moment. "Shut up." There was a pause. "You should re-dye that. You look like a sad cloud."

"I thought I was a smurf?"

The brunette thought for a moment. "Oh yeah." He looked at the other again. "A sad smurf cloud."

Josh hummed an amused sound, and closed his eyes as he leaned back.

"When do ya folks get back?"

"Prolly eleven or somethin'." Brendon yawned, joining Josh on his back after disposing of the of the smoke in the ashtray.

"I'll go before then."

There was another space of silence. Brendon rolled onto his side. "You can stay here if you want. I mean, with your old man..." He didn't finish. Even in their sated stated, he was sure his implications were easily noticed.

Josh didn't answer right away, leaving yet another pause. "Can I?"

"V'Course."

"Thanks, Bren."

The Brunette's phone buzzed on the bed from between the two. He picked it up with lazy movement. Suddenly, he made something of an excited laugh. He replied with slow and messy typing before looking at Josh.

**To; Fly** **Ty** **-** **Sweeeet** **. We'll** **meet** **yu at ur place  
**

"Tyler's coming to Dallon's with us."

Josh nodded and hummed. "Good."

They laid together for a long time, with nothing more happening besides slow conversations and humming along to the music still playing in the background. They turned the lights off, leaving only the brunette's red lava lamp turned on. Josh always mused that it added to the entire, 'stoner' vide he had in the room.

Brendon sat upright against the wall at the head of his bed, slowly smoking another Mary Jane. He offered a puff to Josh, but he shook his head.

Josh grew silent entirely when Brendon started singing. It calmed him, and he was sure he fell asleep to it. He'd never admit that, though. He'd blame it on the lateness, even though he wasn't even sure of the time at all.

_"With the holograms beside me_ _; I'll dance alone tonight."_

Brendon stared at Josh after a while, not stopping his singing. The boy laid at the end of the oversized bed, arms resting over his face. His chest moved up and down as be fell into a deeper sleep.

_"In a mirrored world, are you beside me; All my life? Distortion."_

He frowned. He could see the blood slowly seeping through the band aid on his friends cheek as he rolled over slightly. It made him angry. And sad.

He deserved happiness too, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter than normal. I felt like I needed to put in Gorillaz because that's what I'm listening to right now. The new Humanz album is really good. The song sung is Saturnz Barz.


	13. Voiceless

Josh sat on the windowsill of Brendon's room. There was a cigarette between his lips - the second one in ten minutes. But who cares? He needed the distraction. He expelled a cloud of smoke, rested his head back against the window frame and closed his eyes.

"Thanks, Bren. For...last night." He sounded almost awkward, like he didn't know how to say it, but it was beyond genuine.

Brendon sat under the windowsill at Josh's feet. A roll of weed was balanced between his lips. He looked up at his blue haired friend, taking in his face. It seemed more well rested than it had in a while. There were still dark bruised under his eyes, but his shoulders seemed a little less tense. Just a little.

"No problem." He smiled.

It was quiet for a moment. Or maybe more than a moment. Brendon still wasn't that good at keeping track of time, especially when he was pretty baked.

The house was quiet outside of the music and weed filled room. Brendon's parents had left again as fast as they had arrived. But it wasn't like that was a new thing. And tomorrow was meant to be their day home, anyway.

Josh removed the cigarette from his lips for a second, tapping the ash from it into the ash tray. "I should go, yeah?"

Brendon looked at the his phone. "Why not just stay here? It's midday already."

Josh sat up a little straighter, swinging both legs outside the window. It was only a story drop if he rolled off the roof tiles. "I should at least change for the party. The ol' man's prolly passed out anyway."

"Just borrow something of mine, man." Brendon shook his hand in dismissal.

The blue haired boy contemplated the proposition for a second, and them half smirked, keeping his gaze out the window. The gesture always made Brendon happy, because he didn't see it very often. Not anymore, anyway.

He breathed out a mass of smoke. "I need to get the new dye I bought as well."

Brendon grinned at that. "What colour?"

Josh swung himself back into the room, and picked up his backpack from the floor. "You'll see." He walked back to the window, stepping out onto the ledge underneath it. "Meet you back here in a few hours?"

"Sure." Brendon stood up too, leaning against the window as he watched Josh climb down with calculated moves. "I'll leave the window open for you, Spiderman."

The faded-blue haired boy spun on his heals. "You know that makes you Gwen Stacy, right?"

"I could pull off the blond hair. And I look hot as hell when I wear glasses."

Josh just scoffed a light hearted reply and left, adjusting the strap of his bag on his shoulder. Brendon watched him leave before turning back into his room to do his own thing.

Josh had a third cigarette as he walked home. He ran his cold fingers through his hair as he expelled another cloud of poison smoke. He wondered to himself why he hasn't taken another roll of weed when he was offered. He might have been calmer now, if he had.

He felt a little guilty leaving Brendon back in his house all by himself, but he knew he didn't mind. Over the years he'd know the brunette, he'd only met his parents a handful of times. They were not people with ill intentions but more, as people say, 'married to their job'. In all honesty, Josh wasn't even sure what they actually did for work. It wasn't something he and the brunette ever talked about. As a result of their jobs, Brendon had a lot of material things, but Josh knew he didn't care about that compared to seeing his parents for more than three hours most nights.

Josh passed the skeletal trees dotted along the streets, crunching the few remaining leave under his shoes as he walked. He tapped the ash from the cigarette into the ground.

The house was quiet when he pushed open the door. As always, it reeked like beer and bodily fluids. He utilized air fresheners when he could, recalling how his mother use to burn incense and oils. The lounge was empty now, the broken items still littering the floor. Josh never even bothered to pick the messes made up. He gave up on doing that a while ago. He crept upstairs with quiet steps and into his room. Closing the door, he leant against it and sighed heavily. After a moment, he started looking for his hair dye and something to change into.  


Tyler stared at his closet. He hasn't moved for a good five minutes, and it was only an hour till Brendon said they'd pick him up. He sighed. There was a knock on the door frame, and he turned.

Jay stood there, eyes heavy from sleep, and nibbling his bottom lip. Tyler smiled as he wiped at his eyes and yawned.

"What's up, sleepyhead?"

"Where's mummy?"

"She ducked out for a second. We're having Chinese for dinner," he said quietly, crouching down to his level and ruffling his hair.

Jay pulled a face and giggled, swatting away his hand. The sound made Tyler's heart feel lighter. "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to a party tonight. So I need to get things ready."

"Can I listen to your music?"

Tyler hesitated. Jay looked at him, eyes wide now and innocent as always. He nibbled on his fingers. "Sure. C'mon."

Jay followed him to his bed and climbed onto the covers. He watched Tyler intensely as he pressed buttons on the stereo.

The sound filled the room, heavy and emotional. But to Jay, it was just music his big brother had made. Nineteen tracks in all, none of them with any vocals. Tyler had the lyrics that went with them, yes, but none of it was paired up. There was an entire notebook filled with drafts and half finished songs in his desk drawer. Most were finished, some were not. But all of them had yet to be sung. There was a box in the bottom drawer too, filled with piles of loose sticky notes covered in messy writing. Fleeting thoughts that caught him late at night, and out if nowhere. 

It wasn't like it mattered, though. Nobody else was likely to hear it anyway. Because who'd want to hear what happens inside a sad boy's head?

Tyler sighed again, and pulled out a pair of skinny jeans, a long sleeved band shirt, and a jacket.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm still not that chill. But I'm pushing through it because I need something to focus on . I even had an few hours reprieve today and I finished one of my paintings .
> 
> Also , any requests for what colour Josh should do his hair ? I think I want pink for later on though .


	14. Red and White

Josh was climbing through Brendon's window by the time the brunette came back from a shower. His shirt was off, hair messed up from towel drying, and he was humming something Josh couldn't quite make out.

He pushed the door closed, and Josh cleared his throat. Brendon jumped, clutching at the towel around his waist.

"Jesus _fuck,_ man!"

Josh's lips twitched, raising just enough to be considered a smile. He snorted. "Hello to you too."

"Fuck off," Brendon muttered, walking to his closet and pulling out some clothes. "And close the window behind you." He pulled on a pair of black boxers under his towel as Josh looked away.

"So you don't want to help me with my hair then?"

The brunette looked up, pulling on a singlet. He still wasn't wearing pants. Not like either of them really cared. "What colour?"

"Red." The blue haired boy tugged the tube out of his backpack, showing the other.

"Looks like blood in a tube."

"Gory." He hopped down from the windowsill, dumping his bag onto the floor. He tugged off his duffle jacket and sat it on the brunettes bed. He ran his hands over his shoulders, stretching out his muscles till something cracked, then down his right arm and over the outlines of him in-progress tattoo. So far, it was only the outline of a tree, but he was already planning his next visit to the tattoo parlour.

Brendon shrugged and pointed to the door. "You wanna do this now, then?"

Josh shrugged too, in reply. "Sure." He tugged off his shirt as well. He'd ruined enough clothing over time with hair dye.

"I'm gonna look like I murdered someone after this."

Josh laughed. Well, more like made an amused sound. But Brendon took what he could get.

The brunette remembered the last time Josh laughed around him. Like, _really_ laughed. Not amused breath behind half crinkled eyes.

He was drunk, then. Too many shots deep too early in the night. It felt like a long time ago, but it was probably only a few months back in the past. That was still too long ago, given the matter. Josh didn't drink that much at once usually, only enough to get tipsy, and the reason for him doing so that time was the very opposite of ideal, having turned up at Brendon's doorstep at seven at night with shaky hands and a nose bleed he wouldn't answer for. But of course, Brendon didn't have to think twice about now he'd gotten it. It wasn't a schoolyard scrap, or anything of the sort. Josh could hold his own in something like that, and even when he didn't, he was never left shaking so badly that he could barely hold a cigarette between his fingers.

"You got something to wear in that bag?" Brendon asked as he lathered more dye into the other's hair.

"Yep."

"Good."

"Are you saying what I'm wearing now isn't good enough?"

"Yes." He grinned at the other in the mirror as he pushed the dye thick hair into a Mohawk.

"Rude." Josh raised an eyebrow.

Brendon hummed. "True, though," he teased. "We need to meet Tyler in an hour."

Josh murmured his recognition. "When is Ryan getting here?"

"In ten or so, probably."

Josh grunted again, and yawned. 

 

Ryan would deny it, but it took him longer than it should have to chose what to wear given its overall simplicity. He wasn't really use to parties, after all, and always had a habit of over thinking things. Ever since Ryan had known Brendon, he had always been someone to go to parties, whether it be a handful of people drinking and getting high in basements or big ones hosted by people he barely knew. Brendon just liked to be around others. Craved it, nearly.

Ryan was different, though. He always had been. Brendon asked Ryan and Josh to go with him a lot, but the other was more likely to say yes than he was. Part of him always wanted to say he'd go. Hell, a _lot_ of him wanted to say that. But something always seemed to hold him back, with claws of anxiety and fear of _closeness_. Or something. He was never quite sure.

So he stood at Brendon's door, in a white and red striped shirt and black cardigan, with the cuffs of his sleeves bunched in his hands. His fingers weren't twitching yet, so that was good.

"Yo, Ry," Brendon cheered, pulling open the door with drawn out vowels.

"H-Hey." Ryan cursed himself for stuttered. His nerves were surfacing.

Brendon didn't seem to notice. Maybe he thought it was the cold getting to him or something. "C'mon, Josh is upstairs already."

Ryan followed without a word. He rarely came to Brendon's house. There wasn't really a complex reason, except that he rarely went anywhere at all. And when he did, it was usually to somewhere he could see in every direction. Somewhere open and free. The leather wearing boy's room was always a warm place, though. It was a contrast from the rest of the house, that often felt sterile and too clean. It was like Brendon's parents erased any evidence of actually living there. 

 

Josh was washing his hair out in the sink when the other two passed the room. He looked up, and grabbed the towel from on top of the toilet seat beside him.

"Hey," he greeted, setting the towel over his head. He dried his hair for a moment, before following them both into Brendon's room.

"Hi, Josh. I like the red."

"Thanks."

Brendon held his hands up to Ryan's face, the latter moving back just a little at the sudden action. "I look like a murderer!"

Ryan couldn't help but smile. "You do." He sat on the end of Brendon's bed while the other two finished getting ready. Josh pulled a clean shirt from his bag, pulling it on and slipping back into his duffle jacket. Brendon half stood in his closet, changing his shirt too. Ryan looked away with rosy cheeks.

"When are we meeting Tyler?" Ryan asked.

"We should leave in a ten," Brendon said, pulling on a thin hooded jacket before covering it with his leather one.

Ryan and Josh both hummed in agreement.

Brendon flopped onto the bed next to Ryan, making the other lift slightly with the force. "You excited, Ry?"

He looked down at him, watching the way he crossed his arms behind his head. "Yeah."

"You don't look it," Brendon complained lightheartedly. He sat up slightly, and tugged Ryan back down by his shoulder. Ryan made a startled sound, but it didn't deter the other boy. "You need to look more excited!" He poked at Ryan's face with his dye-stained fingers.

Ryan let out a laugh, face lighting up. His eyes crinkled as he smiled a toothy grin, swatting away the other's prodding fingers and covering his face in defence from further attack.

Josh pushed his cigarettes and lighter into his pockets and grabbed his phone, but didn't miss the look on Brendon's face as he watched the other boy roll across the bed beside him. 

It felt like the night would be good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Plz kill me. I want death. Also sorry this chapter took over a week to write. My mind is in the shite zone.
> 
> (Also, the hair colour was chosen from someone on my AO3 so thank you to them.)


	15. a/n - notice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (Temporary upload)

I want to apologise if I disappear for a little while. Only week or two, I promise. One of my best friends tried to OD. This is not his first attempt, nor my first friend to do so. He let me know a few hours ago after getting out of the hospital. I am lost. I don't know how to help him. He's almost twelve hours away. All I want to do is stay up all night with him to keep him safe.

I know that I can't fix him. I can't make him get better. I know that's not how it works. But I want to be able to do something and it's breaking my heart. Because I know how it feels to want to die, and I had to ask him tonight to not try again. I'll ask him every night if I have to. But I don't know how long I can hold it all together.

This is doing nothing to help the way I already feel. Suicidal ideation is increasing again. My skin itches. By brain in beating every moment the room is silent.

The next chapters are already planned. I will return. I just need a little time.


	16. Before The Morning Sun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Salutations. For those who read the last upload, thank you for your patience. For those who didn't, I am sorry for the long gap between uploads. But as I said, I needed time to think about things. Not just to deal with my friend's never ending ordeal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Halsey. I like her music.

Tyler must have stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a good five minutes without moving a single muscle. Of course, his mind was turning a hundred thoughts a second. His hair was still dripping from the shower and sticking to his skin, but it was barely noticed till a few drops melded with his eyelashes. He ran his hands over his face and stood back from the basin, wrapping a towel around his waist. He could hear his mother trying to persuade Jay to get a little calmer for bed time, but her laughs echoing down the halls clued that it wasn't a very urgent endeavour.

He pushed the door to his room open with his shoulder, hands otherwise occupied with drying his hair with another towel. The brunette left the towel on his head as he dressed in silence, trying his best to ignore the anxiety bubbling in the pit of his stomach. He threaded a tattered belt into his skinny jeans, tugging them up over his hips.

The towel over his head was carelessly tossed aside after he finished drying his hair. He ran his hands over his torso, digging his nails into his skin as he did. It didn't really hurt - he just did that sometimes. It was more of a habit than anything anymore. His fingertips stuttered over his slightly protruding ribs though, dancing over the thin straight lines that were raised _ever_ so slightly.

"Tyler?"

There was a knocking at his door. He jumped ever so slightly, pulled from his thoughts by his mother's voice. He hummed, and pulled his shirt over his head.

"Your friends are at the door."

"Damn," he mumbled, throwing on a jumper. "Okay," he replied a little louder. "Down in a second."

"Okay, honey." Her footsteps disappeared down the stairs.

The brunette slipped on his socks and shoes, grabbed his jumper from the bed, tucked his phone keys into his jeans pocket, and slapped the light switch with his hand as he unceremoniously left the room. Gracelessly, he hopped down the stairs at an odd angle as he manoeuvred himself into the hooded jumper.

Zack was already talking by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs. "So he gets to go out whenever he wants?" He sounded bitter. Of course he did. But Tyler tried not to let in bother him. Especially when it sounded like _he_ was the subject of the argument.

Clearly tired, their mother adjusted Jay on her hip. "No. He asked me. And besides, he's nearly eighteen, and still doesn't just disappear whenever he likes," she reasoned. Well placed irritation was edging into her voice. Sometimes Tyler wondered how she kept such a calm exterior.

Zack scoffed and moved back up the stairs. "Not like anyone would notice if he left anyway."

Tyler stared at the back of his head, but didn't say anything. Something twisted in his gut, but he pushed it down.

"Zack!" She raised her voice as he left. It was a rare occurrence, but it seemed to be on the rise as more time passed. Jay made a sound at the noise, but quickly settled back into a gentle slumber as his mother petted his back a couple times. Sighing, she rubbed her temple with her free hand. "Have fun, sweetheart," she turned to the eldest. Tyler nodded, and pressed a kiss to Jay's forehead. He was asleep though, and simply made a small sound in reply. "Little man wouldn't calm down before, but I guess he tired himself out," she mused with a tender smile. "See you in the morning, sweetheart. Call me if you need to, and be safe."

"Or course, Ma." He smiled gently before turning to the door.

"Love you, dove." She looked at him fondly, warmth radiating from her.

Tyler smiled a little more genuinely as he turned back to her, nerves decreasing ever so slightly. "Love you too."

Brendon had a grin plastered on his face the moment he opened the door. They were standing back at the front gate, and Tyler's shoulder felt just a little lighter at the knowledge that they probably didn't hear anything.

"Tyler!" 

He smiled a little, chewing his lip.

"We good?" Josh said, voice as low and calm as normal. He looked at the blue haired- No. Tyler tiled his head just a little bit. It was _red_ now. Like fire and anger. A little less like cotton candy and a little more like embers.

Josh looked back at him, but didn't say anything. Brendon and Ryan had already turned away to walk. Tyler looked away and nodded. Ryan offered him a smile as he and Josh caught up the them. The gate swung closed behind him with a slight click.

"Uh-so Dallon's place is about fifteen from here," Brendon spoke as he pressed a cigarette between his lips. He stopped walking  for a second and looked Tyler in the eye. "Do you care if I smoke?"

"I don't mind," Tyler murmured, scratching at the back of his neck awkwardly. He wasn't really sure why he felt awkward though.

"Cool." Brendon grinned again, lighting up the stick.

It was mostly quiet as they walked, like none of them could choose what to talk about. But given the groups dynamics, it was probably more or less common to have spouts of silence. The breeze changed, and Tyler shuffled to the other side of Josh to escape the smoke stream Brendon was leaving behind him.

"Oh yeah, hey, I didn't know you had siblings," the leather wearing boy spoke suddenly.

"Yeah. Two." Tyler pulled at his sleeves.

"I wish I had siblings."

Ryan smiled a little. But it wasn't necessarily happy. Just a smile. "They're not always that great."

Tyler hummed lowly, thinking solely about Zack. But he noticing the way Josh's fingers flexed slightly before he shoved them into his pockets. He didn't think too much about it.

The house wasn't as loud as Tyler would have expected when they arrived. It was obviously noisy, sure, but from where they stood at the fence it was barely a bother. Brendon took the last drag or his second cigarette. Tyler didn't think it smelt like the other one though - like normal tobacco. But he didn't ask. He wasn't clueless, after all. Watching him, he noticed the way his demeanour changed ever so slightly. He was calmer. Just a little, but noticeably enough.

Josh looked at him from where he stood next the Brendon. His hand's fidgeted a little, and his eyes kept moving back towards the house. The smoking boy spoke before him though.

"Dallon's parties are pretty good. I mean, never had the cops pull up or anything. Nobody comes here to cause trouble. And if they do, it gets sorted fast."

Tyler nodded, looking a little grateful.

Brendon pushed himself off the fence. "Okay, lets go." He grinned. The three others followed him towards the house. Every step made Tyler's skin prick a little more. But with the feeling of the other three around him, it was far less than he expected. He decided not to think too much into that.

Really, it had only a few days shy of a week since he had even met them. There was something about the occurrences of that time though, that made him a little hopeful that everything was going to be better that he had originally thought. At least for now it felt like that, but there was still something biting at the back of his mind with its sharp teeth of doubt and sheer fear of abandonment.

The night was still young, after all, and many things could still change before dawn.

 

**a/n - Salutations. For those who read the last upload, thank you for your patience. For those who didn't, I am sorry for the long gap between uploads. But as I said, I needed time to think about things. Not just to deal with my friend's never ending ordeal.**

 

Tyler must have stood in front of the bathroom mirror for a good five minutes without moving a single muscle. Of course, his mind was turning a hundred thoughts a second. His hair was still dripping from the shower and sticking to his skin, but it was barely noticed till a few drops melded with his eyelashes. He ran his hands over his face and stood back from the basin, wrapping a towel around his waist. He could hear his mother trying to persuade Jay to get a little calmer for bed time, but her laughs echoing down the halls clued that it wasn't a very urgent endeavour.

He pushed the door to his room open with his shoulder, hands otherwise occupied with drying his hair with another towel. The brunette left the towel on his head as he dressed in silence, trying his best to ignore the anxiety bubbling in the pit of his stomach. He threaded a tattered belt into his skinny jeans, tugging them up over his hips.

The towel over his head was carelessly tossed aside after he finished drying his hair. He ran his hands over his torso, digging his nails into his skin as he did. It didn't really hurt - he just did that sometimes. It was more of a habit than anything anymore. His fingertips stuttered over his slightly protruding ribs though, dancing over the thin straight lines that were raised  _ever_ so slightly.

"Tyler?"

There was a knocking at his door. He jumped ever so slightly, pulled from his thoughts by his mother's voice. He hummed, and pulled his shirt over his head.

"Your friends are at the door."

"Damn," he mumbled, throwing on a jumper. "Okay," he replied a little louder. "Down in a second."

"Okay, honey." Her footsteps disappeared down the stairs.

The brunette slipped on his socks and shoes, grabbed his jumper from the bed, tucked his phone keys into his jeans pocket, and slapped the light switch with his hand as he unceremoniously left the room. Gracelessly, he hopped down the stairs at an odd angle as he manoeuvred himself into the hooded jumper.

Zack was already talking by the time he reached the bottom of the stairs. "So he gets to go out whenever he wants?" He sounded bitter. Of course he did. But Tyler tried not to let in bother him. Especially when it sounded like  _he_  was the subject of the argument.

Clearly tired, their mother adjusted Jay on her hip. "No. He asked me. And besides, he's nearly eighteen, and still doesn't just disappear whenever he likes," she reasoned. Well placed irritation was edging into her voice. Sometimes Tyler wondered how she kept such a calm exterior.

Zack scoffed and moved back up the stairs. "Not like anyone would notice if he left anyway."

Tyler stared at the back of his head, but didn't say anything. Something twisted in his gut, but he pushed it down.

"Zack!" She raised her voice as he left. It was a rare occurrence, but it seemed to be on the rise as more time passed. Jay made a sound at the noise, but quickly settled back into a gentle slumber as his mother petted his back a couple times. Sighing, she rubbed her temple with her free hand. "Have fun, sweetheart," she turned to the eldest. Tyler nodded, and pressed a kiss to Jay's forehead. He was asleep though, and simply made a small sound in reply. "Little man wouldn't calm down before, but I guess he tired himself out," she mused with a tender smile. "See you in the morning, sweetheart. Call me if you need to, and be safe."

"Or course, Ma." He smiled gently before turning to the door.

"Love you, dove." She looked at him fondly, warmth radiating from her.

Tyler smiled a little more genuinely as he turned back to her, nerves decreasing ever so slightly. "Love you too."

Brendon had a grin plastered on his face the moment he opened the door. They were standing back at the front gate, and Tyler's shoulder felt just a little lighter at the knowledge that they probably didn't hear anything.

"Tyler!" 

He smiled a little, chewing his lip.

"We good?" Josh said, voice as low and calm as normal. He looked at the blue haired- No. Tyler tiled his head just a little bit. It was  _red_  now. Like fire and anger. A little less like cotton candy and a little more like embers.

Josh looked back at him, but didn't say anything. Brendon and Ryan had already turned away to walk. Tyler looked away and nodded. Ryan offered him a smile as he and Josh caught up the them. The gate swung closed behind him with a slight click.

"Uh-so Dallon's place is about fifteen from here," Brendon spoke as he pressed a cigarette between his lips. He stopped walking  for a second and looked Tyler in the eye. "Do you care if I smoke?"

"I don't mind," Tyler murmured, scratching at the back of his neck awkwardly. He wasn't really sure why he felt awkward though.

"Cool." Brendon grinned again, lighting up the stick.

It was mostly quiet as they walked, like none of them could choose what to talk about. But given the groups dynamics, it was probably more or less common to have spouts of silence. The breeze changed, and Tyler shuffled to the other side of Josh to escape the smoke stream Brendon was leaving behind him.

"Oh yeah, hey, I didn't know you had siblings," the leather wearing boy spoke suddenly.

"Yeah. Two." Tyler pulled at his sleeves.

"I wish I had siblings."

Ryan smiled a little. But it wasn't necessarily happy. Just a smile. "They're not always that great."

Tyler hummed lowly, thinking solely about Zack. But he noticing the way Josh's fingers flexed slightly before he shoved them into his pockets. He didn't think too much about it. 

The house wasn't as loud as Tyler would have expected when they arrived. It was obviously noisy, sure, but from where they stood at the fence it was barely a bother. Brendon took the last drag or his second cigarette. Tyler didn't think it smelt like the other one though - like normal tobacco. But he didn't ask. He wasn't clueless, after all. Watching him, he noticed the way his demeanour changed ever so slightly. He was calmer. Just a little, but noticeably enough.

Josh looked at him from where he stood next the Brendon. His hand's fidgeted a little, and his eyes kept moving back towards the house. The smoking boy spoke before him though.

"Dallon's parties are pretty good. I mean, never had the cops pull up or anything. Nobody comes here to cause trouble. And if they do, it gets sorted fast."

Tyler nodded, looking a little grateful.

Brendon pushed himself off the fence. "Okay, lets go." He grinned. The three others followed him towards the house. Every step made Tyler's skin prick a little more. But with the feeling of the other three around him, it was far less than he expected. He decided not to think too much into that.

Really, it had only a few days shy of a week since he had even met them. There was something about the occurrences of that time though, that made him a little hopeful that everything was going to be better that he had originally thought. At least for now it felt like that, but there was still something biting at the back of his mind with its sharp teeth of doubt and sheer fear of abandonment.

The night was still young, after all, and many things could still change before dawn.

 

The inside of the house was like a storm in comparison to the quiet of the outside. He could count about twenty people in the front room, and there was no doubt more in the others he couldn't see into. It wasn't overly loud, but the heaviness of everything was still making Tyler nervous. He tugged at his sleeves again as they all stood in the doorway.

"Brendon!" A tall brunette moved toward them, arms outstretched. Tyler took a small step back half behind Josh. The red head didn't say anything about it.

"Hey, Dallon," Brendon cheered, wrapping his arm around the other's neck.

They pulled away, and new arrival held his fist out to Josh. "Hey, man. Nice to see you show up."

Josh nodded, but didn't say anything much even as he bumped the other's fist.

Dallon looked at Ryan next. "Haven't ever seen you come to one of these before. At least not for a long time." There was something behind his smile. Like distaste, but he didn't say anything more.

Ryan cleared his throat before talking. His eyes found anything other than Dallon to look at. "Yeah. Parties aren't normally my thing."

"What, did Brendon convert you?" He laughed at his own joke. He looked at Tyler next, peering at the boy half behind Josh. "I know I haven't seen you before."

"This is Tyler!" Brendon grinned. Tyler stood out from behind Josh a little, nodding at Dallon in greeting. "I thought I'd show him how we like to party."

"Fair enough. You guys want drinks? Stuffs in the kitchen, so help yourselves."

"Awesome. Thanks, dude." Brendon grinned at him again, clapping him on the back for a moment before leading the group into the kitchen.

Tyler walked behind Josh and Ryan, using them as something like a human shield to get through the people in the room. His eyes shifted around as they moved. The majority of the people already looked half buzzed, floating around with the effects of the alcohol. There were a few groups already sectioned off from the rest, drinking and talking amongst themselves. It only served to make Tyler feel more out of place. Although there were a lot of times he felt out of place even in his on skin.

He looked at the back of Josh's jacket once more before they reached the kitchen. He was right to assumer there were more people in the other rooms. There was a group of boy's standing by the breakfast bar, drinking a brand Tyler didn't recognise. Or more so, he didn't really care enough to read it properly. A girl sat in the back corner looking at her phone. He looked at her hair. It was pure white. It wasn't that he hadn't seen anything like it before, but more she looked just as out of place as Tyler felt. Not nervous or anxious at all, but indifferent. She looked like the kind of person who didn't care much for the social scene. Kind of like Josh, maybe. From all he knew of him so far.

Josh followed his gaze for a moment. "Ashley," he said. He hadn't spoken one since they'd arrived, and his low voice almost surprised the brunette.

The white haired girl looked up, and pushed herself up from the stool. In the light, Tyler could see a few tattoos dotted down her arms. He liked them. "Hey, Josh."

Tyler turned for a second, seeing Brendon and Ryan on the other side of the room. Brendon was talking to someone, while Ryan looked on from where he lent against the wall. He was tugging at his sleeved slightly, just like Tyler did.

The girl spoke again, and when Tyler turned back, she was closer. "Didn't expect to see you come out from under your rock."

"Fuck off," Josh replied. No malice, though.

She scoffed. "You too. Nice red, by the way. Suits the bloodshot in your eyes."

Josh hummed. "That's what I was going for." It was the kind of sarcasm you almost believed.

Tyler looked at Ashley's hair again. It was like snowflakes. He liked it.

"What's up?" She nodded at him in form of greeting.

He chose that time to swallow his tongue. "U-uh-"

"This is Tyler," Josh spoke for him. He was grateful.

"You look uncomfortable here," she noted.

Tyler hesitated. "A little."

"Did Urie drag you here?"

He smiled a little, standing a little straighter. "Not really."

Josh hummed lowly. "Why'd  _you_ show, then?" He looked at Ashley.

She shrugged. "Don't have anything better to do. Was with Gerard earlier. But you know how that goes."

Josh raised his brow. "He's here?"

"Yeah. Obviously." She looked back at Tyler. "You met Gerard yet?"

Tyler shook his head. That was the boy mentioned the other day, right?

"I'd avoid him at parties if I were you. Good kid. Bad head. Drinks don't mix well. Gasoline on a fire."

The brunette looked down for a split second. He knew a thing or two about bad heads. He nodded.

Brendon slung his arm over Tyler's shoulder. He had a drink in both hands. "Hey, Ashley. Diggin' the new hair."

"Thanks, Urie." She nodded.

Ryan stood on the other side of Josh, handing the red head a drink. Brendon held one to Tyler. "Want a drink, Ty Guy?"

Tyler took the drink and looked at it. It was orange inside the bottle. Tropical maybe? He didn't really care. "Thanks," he murmured, opening it and taking a drink. Josh looked at him for a second.

Although Tyler never really went to parties in the past, he'd still had his fair encounters with drinking. He wasn't too big on it really, never once drinking himself into unconsciousness. He liked the felling though, when he wasn't quite connected to life. Knowledge warned him that if he went to far he might crash back down and fall apart, but if he was careful, he could stay floating just above the ground. Just above the point.

Right where he couldn't quite feel.

He took another mouthful, and another step away from his head. Most days he wished he could separate from it all together. But just a little would have to do.

 


	17. Liquid Courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I have it in the tags, but I don't think I've ever exclusively noted on this story that it is also posted on WATTPAD. So if you find it's format easier, use than instead. Same user name and title. I also tend to link more songs I use in chapters as well as relevant gifs.

There was a boy with messy black hair laying half unconscious on the stairs. His eyes were half closed, staring into nothingness. His lips were moving despite his state. Tyler watched him for a minute from across the room. 

He looked back at Brendon, who was talking to Dallon with a smile plastered to his face. Josh had disappeared a few minutes ago, along with Ryan. He didn't mind though. The buzz he could feel running though his veins left him less nervous that before, more free to move without the constriction of anxiety. He'd already finished one bottle, and was halfway through his second. He'd probably stop after finishing that one.

The bass from the sound system pulsed though the ground around Tyler, accentuated by his floating senses. He recognised the song, but couldn't quite pick it.

The boy on the stairs moved, and Tyler looked at him again. There wasn't any one near him, and for some reason it made Tyler want to join. If it wasn't for the buzz, he'd probably never have the nerve. But he did now, and the kid looked lonely.

Silently, he moved towards him. One step at a time. A girl bumped his shoulder as she stumbled to the kitchen, giggling quietly. He mentally advised her not to drink anymore. 

The black haired boy's lips were still moving, and it only took him a moment to realise he was singing the lyrics to the song playing around them.

_"It's sacrifice. F _alse pretence you'll hurt again."_ _

His voice was quiet. He almost didn't hear him and he was only a metre away. It was probably a mix or the music volume and people talking though.

_"Stop pretending to deny."_

Tyler sat down. The other boy didn't move. He looked younger than himself, but the look on his face and the hidden tension in his shoulders made him look older. He stayed quiet and listened. He didn't hear people sing much. Not in person, anyway. Most people he knew who sung didn't like the extra attention, himself included. The boy's voice was calming almost. Something familiar in the sea of noise and faceless people in the house. It was grounding almost, from where he was floating. Just enough where he could feel again, but not so much it hurt. The perfect balance.

_"False pretence you'll hurt again."_

Suddenly the song clicked. Although chorus's usually aided in that. "False Pretence." Tyler's tongue almost moved on it's own. He half cursed it when it caught the attention of the half lidded boy. 

"Oh, hey." The boy sat up, eyes opened all the way now. 

"Sorry," Tyler said sheepishly. 

"Nah it's cool." His eyes were empty, almost. Something Tyler recognised. "Haven't seen you 'round before." His words were a little slurred almost. Not undecipherable, but a little blurred together.

Unlike earlier with Ashley, Tyler didn't bite his tongue. The wonder's of liquid courage. "People keep saying."

The boy laughed. "Call me Gee."

"Tyler." His lips threatened to curl into a smile. Not that he'd be opposed to the action.

"You new around?"

Tyler shrugged and took another sip from the remainder of his drink. "Relatively."

"You do to the local?"

Tyler presumed he meant school. He nodded blankly. "Senior."

Gee smiled again. "Cool. Junior."

The two of them didn't speak for a few minutes. Tyler listened to the music again. He thought the other boy might be too. He had to admit that Dallon seemed to have a good taste in music. He swore he heard _Mayday Parade_ playing earlier on.

"Tyler," someone said. Not the boy beside him. A female voice. He looked up, bottle pressed against his lips again as he took another drink. It was almost empty. It was Ashley. She scratched nose and looked around the room once before speaking again. "You seen Josh? Wanna bum a smoke."

Tyler shook his head. She sighed and looked around the room again. She looked at Gee for a moment. "Don't drop too deep, Gerard," she warned. 

Oh. _This_ was Gerard. He should have picked that, really.

"Yeah yeah." Gerard waved his hand calmly.

"Seriously. Mikey isn't here to carry your ass home." There was something akin to concern in her eyes. Tyler wasn't sure who Mikey was, but he swore he heard someone mention the two names together before.

Gerard sighed. "I know." He sounded agitated. "Don't need him to carry me."

Ashley stared at him. "You will if you have anything more to drink."

"Shut up, Ashley." The black haired boy looked frustrated. He stood up from the stairs, and proceeded to stumble down the few steps below him. "I can handle myself." 

He disappeared around the corner towards the kitchen.

"Fuck, he's an idiot." She lent against the wall.

"Didn't seem that bad," Tyler noted quietly, standing up as well. 

"He's a high functioning," she stated simply. "Dunk more than not. Still manages to live even when he's near wasted. Then he drops."

Tyler looked at her for a moment. 

"Don't think me a bitch for calling him out, Tyler." She sighed. "He gives a lot of people stress over his habits. Probably drink himself over the edge one day."

"Already looks close. And not from drinking." Tyler looked round the room again. His eyes felt a little heavy. 

Ashley looked at him in silence for a moment. "You've known him for five minutes. Pretty perceptive, kid."

Tyler shrugged. "Birds of a feather," he said absent minded, still looking around. His eyes settled on a two girls kissing in a corner before moving to a boy hitting on a girl. She didn't look interested in the slightest.

Ashley gave him another quick look. "I'm going to find Josh. Later, Tyler." She scratched the side of her neck as she left, tugging at her shirt quickly. More lines of ink peaked out for a second. Another tattoo, Tyler guessed.

Brendon was in the kitchen again when Tyler walked though the doorway, leaned up against the breakfast bar talking to Dallon. Dallon's hand touched Brendon's arm, but the latter didn't really react. 

He couldn't see Gerard in the room either, but the back door was open. Tyler dropped his empty bottle into the trash and headed towards the front door. He needed some fresh air to clear some of the fuzz in his head. 

Part of him wanted to touch the ground again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus', who sings the featured song, is one of my favourite bands from back when I was developing my own music taste. I still listen to them a lot.


	18. Sleeves

It air was cold outside the house by comparison, air nipping at any skin left uncovered. The condensation dusting the grass cooled his feet as soon as he stepped off the front porch. Sometimes the cold made him recall the times he would play outside in the winter as a child, so long his fingers chilled to the point they _hurt_. 

The buzz was still dancing under his skin and through his brain. 

The outside was quieter, the music from inside sounding almost numb to his cold ears. There was an orange haired girl smoking against the wall to his right, only catching his momentary attention after she clicked her lighter a few times. She looked at him for a second before squinting. 

"Hey you're Tyler, right?" Her voice was bubbly, and she shuffled over to him. "Played the piano in class the other day? That was sick"

He regarded her with hesitation. Should he remember her? He wasn't sure. "Uh-"

"Hayley, come have some shots with me!" Someone cut him off, but he didn't really care. 

"Okay, sure," the girl - _Hayley -_ sung back. She looked at her mostly there cigarette before pressing it into the wall and slipping it into her breast pocket. "Bye, Tyler."

She closed the door behind her, and Tyler was left alone to try and recall who she was. He shrugged to himself, and lowered to sit on the bottom step. He focused on the cold feeling enveloping his feet. He tugged as his sleeve as he looked down the street before him. The street lights illuminated the way for as far as he could see, and he counted at least a few houses with lights still switched on inside them.

He grew lost in nothing after a while, so much so that he didn't even hear the door open behind him, let alone the red haired boy say him name. 

"Tyler."

He jumped a little, surprised at the sight of the boy. He didn't greet him, instead opting to ask something. "Did Ashley find you?"

The red headed boy nodded, lowing himself to sit next to Tyler.

"You good?"

Tyler nodded before looking back towards the street. They sat quiet for a while longer. Josh lit a cigarette, the flick of a lighter catching Tyler's attention yet again. He looked at the boy. On the spur of a moment, he asked another question. "How old are you?"

Josh peered at him. "Hmm?"

"How old are you? Just realised I don't know." Tyler tugged at his sleeves again.

"Eighteen."

Tyler looked away again. "Oh."

Josh tapped the ash from his smoke. It almost felt odd for him to hear Tyler speak to him in full sentences. He'd almost forgotten he spoke in broken ones, really. His voice was still soft though, a little higher octave than one would expect. He looked at him from his peripheral vision again, taking in his physique. The jumper he was wearing almost looked too big for him, mixed with the way he sat slightly hunched forward with his forearms on his knees. His eyes looked almost permanently drooped, with a darkness under them he recognised. His fingers kept playing his sleeves. He did that a lot, Josh noticed. Not that he was _watching_. More...he recognised the trait.

Josh remembered the way Ryan use to be when he first met him. He was quiet and didn't look him in the eye. He couldn't really blame him for that, with the way he looked like a punk reject. Ryan use to tug a his sleeves a lot. He still did, but not so much around Josh and Brendon anymore. He use to speak in broken sentences too, finishing with hand gestures and body language. 

"How much did you drink?" Josh murmured after a long silence.

"Two bottles." Tyler scratched his nose.

Josh nodded. He wasn't really sure why he asked. It was almost as though he was compelled to talk around the other boy. It was strange in a way, considering how mush he didn't know about the boy. But then again, maybe that was the reason. He wasn't really sure. 

Tyler scratched his neck, digging in his nails hard enough to leave a mark. His fingers were cold against his skin, but it didn't bother him in the slightest. He yawned, and rested his hand over his mouth to stifle the noise that tried to escape. 

"Did Brendon leave you?"

"I left him. Was talking to Dallon."

Josh made a sound akin to scoffing. Part of Tyler wondered why. "I was talking to Gerard before."

Josh hummed. "Drunk outta his mind?"

"No. Not really. He was singin' False Pretence." He looked at Josh for a second.

The red headed boy hummed again, low and gravely in his throat. "Good song. He's a good singer."

Tyler nodded. 

Josh sniffled as he pressed his cigarette butt into the steps. "Brendon sings, you know."

The brunette looked at him head on, eyes meeting his for the first time in a while.  "He does?"

He nodded. "Pretty good too." Josh looked away from Tyler's eyes. "Don't tell him I said so. He doesn't need the ego boost." His voice clued him it was a joke.

Since Tyler had met Josh, he couldn't quite recall a time he'd smiled properly. He couldn't even pick a twitch of the lips in his memory. There was that single time in the library where he half smirked while drumming his fingers against the edge of the desk, but other than that there was nothing at all. 

In a seemingly complete opposite of portrayed emotion, Brendon smiled quite a lot. Tyler had noticed that almost straight away after meeting the taller brunette, who still reminded him of spiced coffee. He was mostly loud, happy and excited in his experience. It was refreshing, really. Almost as though his own happiness radiated onto others. He might very well be different behind closed doors, but that was his own business until he offered it to be Tyler's as well.

He stole a look at Josh once more before setting his eyes of a cat he could see under a streetlight down the street. It climbed a fence and disappeared. He scratched his arm, and felt the cold air on his wrist.

"What's that?"

He looked at Josh, humming in question. The red haired boy's eyes were trained on him. 

Trained on his _wrist._

Suddenly the buzz in his head cleared as his heart _thumped._ And just like that, he crashed back to the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know where this writers streak came from, but three updates in three days? What the what


	19. Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I REWROTE PART OF IT AGAIN I'M SORRY FOR THE INCONVENIENCE!

Tyler felt like he'd hit the ground from the top of a skyscraper. But if he had, he wouldn't have to deal with what he was feeling now. His fingers twitched as his lungs stuttered, struggling to take in the air around him. His eyes met Josh's but weren't seeing anything more than the dark creeping in. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, voice bubbling in his throat like volcanic lava, leaving him unable to whisper a word in his defence.

Josh saw the markings the moment Tyler's sleeve rode up his slender arm. He could only see a line. Just a single line. But where it was, and how long it stretched, it couldn't be anything else other than what he'd thought. Even in his own buzzed state, he knew. If he had the time, he would have cursed himself beyond belief for letting his tongue slip so clumsily as it had. He knew it wasn't something you just _ask_ with such little care.

He didn't have time however, to scold himself of think or something different to say, because the boy before him had already heard. He already knew what Josh was asking. He could see it in his thin face, and the way his entire body looked like it was closing down more by the second.

Behind them, Josh could hear the sound of chatter and numbed music, but in his own head, there was only the beating of his heart in his ears as his stomach plummeted down to the depths of his being. He thanked whoever was listening, that they were alone where they sat.

Tyler swallowed the fire in his mouth, disregarding the suffocation his lungs were blessing him with. "I-I-"

"Fuck, I'm so sorry." Josh's voice overpowered his own, blowing away his words like smoke in the wind. It was louder than it normally was, almost frantic and panicked.

Tyler's fingers curled into his palms digging into the skin so hard it would leave indents. He swallowed again.

"Tyler, _fuck_ ," Josh swore again, watching the way Tyler's whole body curled. "Breathe."

If Tyler could gather a coherent thought, he might have noticed how genuinely remorseful Josh looked. His face, otherwise _so_ stoic, seemed almost _tainted_ with visual emotion.

Josh shuffled closer to the other boy, and swallowed. His heart was still thumping as he tried to compose himself to take care of the situation _he_ had caused.

"I'm sorry I-" Tyler cut him off with a sudden choking noise as a breath caught in his throat. "I shouldn't 'ave said anythin'." His words only half came out, his voice lowered again in an attempt to regain some sort of inner structure.

There was only one scenario in Tyler's memory that matched both the situation and the feeling of the current one. Though back then his lungs hadn't failed him like they did now. He could remember being in the bathroom, hunched over the white sink, tingeing it with a colour that did not belong. The sound of the door opening had made him _slip_ , adding more than he'd meant to. He could recall the stutter in his voice and the panic running under his skin as he _begged_ them not to tell.

"Don't tell anyone."

Josh almost frowned at the instant coldness of the words. He looked at Tyler in silence. His body was still half curled in on itself, but his lungs seemed to be working fine again. It was like a switch had been flipped.

"I wouldn't," was Josh's quiet reply. And it was the truth. Unless he thought he had too. Be it his burden or not, he'd rather betray than leave someone in danger.

It was almost scary how fast Tyler seemed to have fallen apart, and pulled himself back together. Almost like there was years of practice spent doing exactly that. Josh could only guess.

Tyler's eyes were still downcast for the time being, his fingers holding the hem of his sleeves so tight his knuckles were turning white.

Josh played with his own finger, tangling them together in an attempt to not slap himself for being _so stupid_ in the first place. "M' sorry, Tyler. I didn't mean to say it. Been drinkin' 'nd I didn't _think_."

Tyler wasn't sure Josh had ever spoken such a long sentence towards him in one go before. "You didn't mean to. Not your fault." He didn't look at the red haired boy, but no longer out of fear or nervousness. He was disappointed. He was disappointed in himself, and the feeling was once again running through his veins like lightening in a storm.

Josh wasn't sure if he'd ever felt a silence more painful than the one that stretched between them. It seemed endless. That was, till Tyler stood up and went back inside without a single sound passing his lips.

Josh smoked another cigarette before finally plunging himself back into the loud house with nothing but regret grazing his thoughts. He wondered why he couldn't push it down.

 

Tyler pushed the bathroom door closed behind him, locking it with blind finger. He could still hear the sound from down the stairs, but he didn't care. It was quieter. The room was pristine and white, compete with a perfect hand towel perfectly aligned with the cabinet. It almost felt staged - too organised to be comfortable.

The water was cold as it ran over his hands, numbing them even more than the cold outside had. It was colder still when he ran the water over his face with a silent breathe, as though the water could purify the feelings crawling under his skin. He breathed deep and supported himself against the sink with weak hands.

When he was young, his mother would tell him and his siblings the same thing whenever anything would go awry without reason. 

_Sometimes bad things happen to good people, and there is nothing you can do about it._

He never listened to it that much back then, waving it off with hands too small to grasp the meaning behind it. It was only a few years ago when he started to truly understand, that comprehension increasing over time as things fell apart more and more. Tonight was only a reminder. But whether it was one of time past, or time now, he wasn't quite sure.

He stood up straight again, and lifted the fabric of his sleeves with nimble fingers. It was odd, really. He wouldn't say he'd forgotten about them, for it was not something one _could_ forget about. It was more that nobody had had even the slightest chance to know in such a long time.

Not even his mother knew, but that was entirely intentional. Something he'd protect her from knowing for as long as he could. There was only one other person who ever saw that he was aware of, but it wasn't like it was someone who could spill his secret anymore. Not like they ever would have.

There were five lines in total. all thin and precise and calculated against his skin. He'd only ever marked the skin there one time, but incidentally, it was the only time he was ever caught. He ran his fingers over the raised skin once, before swallowing the heartbeat that threatened to rise again in his throat.

The one closest to his palm was the straightest. The three after that were almost as so. The last one was half straight, before it curled down, jagged and messy. Like he'd slipped halfway.  
  
He pulled his sleeve down again, and left the room. He wished he'd never touched the ground again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope it is adequate.


	20. Like Glass to the Ground

Ryan was sitting on the bottom steps by the time Tyler made his way back down the stairs from the bathroom and into the small mass of partying people. Tyler could see his shoulders hunched forward just a little, muscles contorted slightly with evident sadness. The rest of the room still seemed to be alive with party vibes, numbers dwindling an almost unnoticeable amount.

Tyler fell into the space beside Ryan with no words. The other brunette jumped just a little, eyes falling on him. He smiled slightly, but it looked a little strained.

"Hey, Tyler," he said quietly, tilting his head a little as he did.

Tyler nodded back at him. "Hey," he replied.

"Good party, huh?" he hummed lowly, playing with his fingers.

They both knew the words were a lie. "Yeah."

Ryan looked at him from the corner of his eye with a knowing expression. A slight smile graced his lip, apologetic and tired. "Sorry you came with us. Turned to shit."

He wasn't sure he'd ever heart Ryan swear before. He just didn't seem the type. "Wasn't all bad," Tyler tried to reason. Maybe not in the beginning, but in the past twenty minutes it seemed to all fall apart like glass to the pavement. "Where's Brendon?"

Ryan's eyes shifted down, falling back to his fiddling fingers. "With Dallon last I saw."

Tyler recognised the look in his eyes. It was like something deep down inside him was breaking. Like something that once seemed within his grasp had been pulled away without a second thought. Something that meant everything. Tyler recognised it alright, be it ever so slightly different.

"What's Dallon like?"

Ryan laughed slightly, breathy and strained. "He's...something. Don't know if I'd say he's a bad guy but...he has a reputation for not caring about other's feelings unless it gives him something in return."

"Brendon likes him," he stated.

"He likes most people unless they give him a blunt and obvious reason not too. Not always the best judge of character." Ryan sighed. "He want to see the best in people."

Tyler didn't say anything for a moment, casting his eyes around the room. Ashley was talking to the orange haired girl. _Hayley,_ he was sure now. He still couldn't pick where she was from. There was another girl with them, with hair half turquoise blue and half black, and tattooed thighs. He wondered why she was wearing shorts when it was so cold outside. He recognised her even less then the orange haired girl. He was sure she was a little older than school age, like Ashley. Nineteen, maybe? He was always bad at telling.

"Don't you?" He looked back at Ryan, watching the boy's eyes fill slightly with confusion. "Try to see the best in people?" he corrected.

Ryan shrugged. "I do. But I don't _trust_ people. I try to hear them out and believe they mean well, but I don't drop my guard unless I'm _sure._ With Brendon, it's like he's _blind._ Can't see what's right in front of him half the time."

Tyler took in his words. There was an implication placed within them that might not have even been intentional. Maybe Tyler was just good at picking the meaning behind things that weren't so straight forward and obvious.

"Maybe he needs a little help to see."

Ryan looked at him, eyes searching his face for something. Tyler looked away, back at the group of girls. A moment passed and the red haired boy he's almost _run_ from earlier joined them as they all half leaned against the wall. He looked out of place in the room, just like Tyler himself felt, but the girls around him seemed to do the same. So he didn't look that out of place at all really. The girl with the split hair said something, and Josh nodded. He almost wished to know what they were talking about.

"Did something happen?" Ryan pulled Tyler back to where he was. His eyes were still searching his face, but they didn't seem to find what he wanted.

Tyler shook his head and tugged at his sleeves. "Not really."

Ryan didn't look away, but he nodded. He obviously didn't believe him, but didn't push. He silently appreciated it. "Okay." A silence stretched though them, but neither minded. "I need to go to the bathroom," Ryan murmured suddenly before standing up and climbing the stairs without so much as a backwards glance.

Tyler looked around for a moment after that, his eyes falling to the doorway of the kitchen. He could barely make it out, but there were two boys pressed together against the counter. It wasn't an odd sight, being a party and all, but then he _recognised._

Brendon and Dallon.

Tyler looked back up the stairs but Ryan was already gone.

"Tyler!"

He looked back into the room again, eyes meeting Josh's for a split second. The red haired boy had something mixing in his eyes, but he didn't look long enough to tell what it was. Hayley waved her hand above her head, calling herself to his attention instead. He stayed still for a moment before she motioned for him to move towards them. He did so with little resistance, but his fingers became quickly tangled in the bottom hem of his jumper. He didn't look at Josh again.

The girl with the split hair looked at him as he walked closer, and he could almost _feel_ her observational gaze beating down on him.

"Don't look at him like you're trying to decipher sheet music," Hayley scolded her, slapping her arm gently.

"Sorry," she said sheepishly, eyes downcast with a smile. There was a gap between her teeth, Tyler noticed as he glanced back at her.

Ashley looked at him. "Don't mind her." She waved her hand in dismissal, a hint of humour lacing both her actions and words.

"Hey!" The split haired girl said, jokingly offended. She looked at Tyler. "Hi. I'm Melanie."

Tyler nodded at her, lips tugging just enough for her to see. "Tyler."

"Where'd Ryan go?" Josh spoke to him.

Tyler didn't look at him, keeping his gaze on the space between Hayley and Ashley. "He went to the bathroom." There was a silence, like Josh was waiting for more. Like he knew something more had happened. It had, of course. He cleared his throat. "Dallon was kissin' Brendon."

He heard Josh sigh, but Hayley was the one who spoke. "He's a bloody idiot," she muttered. If he knew her better, he might find it more odd for her to sound so serious as appose to jumping around like a dog in tall grass.

"Who?" Melanie tilted her head.

"Brendon and Dallon," Ashley said. "Although Dallon's more of an ass. Brendon's just blind."

Josh grunted. Tyler took a moment to survey his face again from the corner of his eye. It was back to the way it always was, like his mask had been put back on after it's earlier break.

Ashley looked at Tyler again, raising her brow with a slight smile. "Knew you were perceptive, kid."

Tyler nodded, an inkling of a smile tugging at his own lips despite the lightning that was still bubbling under his skin. Something like the feeling of acceptance started mixed with it.

"Josh."

Tyler and the red head turned, and Ryan looked back at them with a half bitten lip. His eyes had a tinge of redness, but no one mentioned it.

"I'm going to head home." Ryan looked at his hands.

The rest of  the group looked at each other. "You okay, Ry?" Josh asked, low and gentle.

"Uh-yeah. I'm fine. Just tired." His finger seemed to be quite interesting, stealing away his attention still.

Tyler looked back at Josh for a moment before his eyes fell back to the other brunette. "I'll go with you."

Ryan looked back at him, eyes flickering like he wanted to say something more. But instead he replied with a simple, "Okay."

Tyler nodded at him, before looking back at the others in the group. Ashley nodded at him. "See ya 'round, kid."

"Yeah nice to meet you, Tyler," Melanie said, smiling widely. He still wasn't sure how he felt about her, but she seemed nice enough. Maybe the slight disconnection he'd allowed himself after his earlier conversation with Josh was holding his nerves back a little more. He couldn't feel the buzz from the two drinks he'd had any more, after all.

"See you at school," Hayley waved, her eyes squinting just a little as she smiled.

 _Oh,_ he thought. So that was where she was from.

Josh didn't say anything more, but nodded once.

"Bye," Ryan murmured, turning towards the door. Tyler followed him, and tugged at his collar in preparation for entering the cold again.

There was no one outside when they closed the door behind them, and it was like everything just _stopped_ _._

But of course it hadn't really. The two boys just silently wished it had as they made their way down the street away from the place that was meant to be _good_ _._

But of course, sometimes bad things happened to good people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this wasnt that good. My heads falling apart again and my emotional disconnection is almost maddening.


	21. Unread

There were no words exchanged between Tyler and Ryan as they walked along the empty streets. The only sound either of them heard was the passing of few cars, the movement of leaves in the breeze, and their footsteps on the pavement. A few streetlights flickered as they passed under them at a slow and sluggish pace, giving them periodic bouts of low buzzing light. Neither of them would really put the silence down as being awkward of unbearable though. Just silence. Simple as that. 

Tyler wasn't really sure how much time had passed between leaving Jay and his mother in the front room and now. He hadn't found himself checking at all during the night. It could be midnight or any time after. But it didn't matter. Either way, when they finally stopped out the front of his house, there wasn't a single light left turned on. The entire house was dark, just as much as the ones surrounding it. 

"I guess I'll see you on Monday, Tyler." Ryan picked at his fingers as he spoke quietly, sniffling once. 

Tyler looked at him for a moment before talking. "Will you be okay?"

Ryan looked back at him, something flashing over his eyes akin to confusion. Like he wasn't expecting Tyler to know what he was feeling. In reality, Tyler couldn't know entirely, but what he did know was enough. Ryan looked back down without verbally answering. The action was enough of answer on its own though.

"Does he know?" Tyler spoke again, quiet and calm.

The taller of the two shrugged slightly, his head tilting to the side a little as he did. "Never...told him."

"You didn't tell me," Tyler murmured, reasoning.

"Yet you know," Ryan finished the train of thought and sighed with a smile that looked too forced for comfort. He ran a hand though his hair, smoothing it a little from where the wind had upset it. "I'm obvious, huh?"

Tyler played with his sleeves for a moment. "Don't know...Just know Ma use to look at-" He cut himself off, tongue suddenly feeling like poison in his mouth. His words were quiet already, but there was no doubt Ryan heard him. He cleared his throat before speaking again, eyes moving to the pavement. "I know the look."

Ryan stared at him again in silence, looking over his face and the way his fingers moved to curl around the bottom hem of his jumper. "You know," he said gently. "I think you spoke more tonight than I've ever heard you talk before at once."

Tyler's lips tugged up slightly, but he kept his gaze faced away.

"And I don't think it was all the alcohol." Ryan looked down at his own feet as he spoke, before looking back at Tyler. "Brendon thought you were shy. But I didn't think...though it was something different. Just the way you are, right?"

Tyler scratched his neck, digging his nails into the skin as he did. "Maybe." That was all he said in reply, looking back at Ryan for only a second before tearing his eyes away again.

Ryan smiled, true this time, and took a step back. "I'll see you Monday, Tyler."

Tyler's fingers twitched for a moment, impulsive thoughts taking over. "Can I uh-get...your number? Case you-I..."

He wasn't really sure why he brought it up. Sure, Brendon had given him his number, but Tyler was never one to _ask_ that sort of thing. He'd always been like that, though. Put it up to another thing that kept him separated from other people. He didn't do it intentionally, of course.

"I'll be fine, Tyler," Ryan said quietly, and Tyler felt _stupid_ for a single moment before Ryan finished. "But sure. That'd be cool."

The taller boy handed his phone to Tyler, and he silently entered in his number, fingers bumping the wrong keys a few times before he got it right. 

Ryan stepped away again the moment his phone was back in his own hand. He smiled again, nodding at Tyler once. "Bye, Tyler. I know the night turned to crap, but it was cool you gave it a chance."

"Wasn't all bad," he murmured. Tyler nodded back at him, watching his back as he turned away completely and made his way down the street away from him. He pushed the front gate open, listening to it squeak under the effort of movement. Fishing his keys from his pockets, he stepped up to the door and pressed the right one into the lock. He heard the faint noise of footsteps that he could only presume to be Ryan fading away as he stepped inside the dark house and closed the door with a dull clunk. 

The near silence that rung though the house was almost eerie, somewhat depressing in its own way. He could hear the clock in the kitchen tick away the minutes, echoing though the rooms with dull sound. 

He slipped his phone out from his pocket and made his way up the stairs one step at a time with the aid of the brightened screen. The sound of the old wood creaking under his feet rekindled his memory of the times he and his siblings would tumble up and down the stairs of his childhood home while playing tag even when their parents _told_ them to not, scolding them softly when they still did.

It was almost funny how small and seemingly random things could bring back a memory that was thought to be _so_ buried it might as well not have even been there at all.

Tyler half tripped over as he pushed his bedroom door open, turning on his lamp with hands still cold from the outside air. Tyler noticed how cold the room was as well when he tugged his jumper off, leaving himself with one less layer on his torso. He toed off his shoes and socks before slipping off his pants and silently climbing under the bed covers. He shivered slightly for a moment, curling up on his side. 

In his own head it was almost odd, how his mind seemed to be _too_ empty after all that had happened. Even if in the grand scheme of things what happened wasn't that much, he expected _something_ to be ticking inside his head. But there wasn't. Maybe he was just at the point where he'd closed off again. It had been a while since that happened, but the sheer emptiness he felt almost made his skin itch just as much as it did when his mind was too full. It was like a paradox, and sometimes he thought he preferred the harmful thoughts over the silence. Almost. 

Tyler's eyes were already closed when his phone suddenly buzzed from where it sat on his bedside table, and the message it displayed simply went unread till the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey hey hey guess what it's my birthday in about three days. Another year has passed with me doing absolutely nothing with my life besides being a depressed little shit, watching too much YouTube, binge watching anime and tv shows, and looking at memes way past their view by date. I'm such a loser. I need my adult card revoked.


	22. Crayons and Photos

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter because I love you all and I'm very thankful for you all reading this.

If Tyler didn't feel almost guilty even thinking it, he's agree that it had been a measurable time since he really enjoyed spending the weekend together as a family. Because in truth, they rarely felt like a family anymore. Of course his mother still tried her best to keep everything together, but sometimes it wasn't enough, and anyone who could see could tell she was running thin. Things had changed, after all. Things could never return to the way that were.

It was nearly midday when Tyler finally woke to the sound of giggling, only half rested and eyes heavy.

Jay looked at him from the end of his bed, where he was sitting on Tyler's feet, crawling up towards his face. Tyler's lips pulled into a smile as he propped himself up onto his elbows. "Morning, buddy."

"Morning!" Jay giggled again, flopping himself onto Tyler's stomach. "Mommy said to ask you if you'll make me pancakes. You're the best at 'em."

Tyler lifted Jay up by his underarms, settling him on the floor beside his bed. "Of course I will." He swing his legs over the side, but kept the blanket wrapped around his torso. "I'll be down in a second, kay?"

Jay nodded and jumped out of the room, calling their mother as he made his way down the stairs with not so light steps.

Tyler sighed and wiped his hands over his face before tugging on a jumper from the floor near his feet. He grabbed a pair of track pants and moved to the bathroom.

He tried not to think too much as he showered, scrubbing his skin like it would somehow cleanse all that had happened the night before. Of course, nothing could do that. His fingers ghosted over his wrists as he changed, and he silently wondered how long it would be till someone else found out. Jay was still too young to understand, but his mother and brother? Well, he hoped the day would never come that he had to tell them what he'd done.

The thought often crossed his mind, of whether he was more ashamed of it, or scared of what it would do to his mother's heart. He'd rather keep it hidden and feel the burden that let it break her.  
  


His mother was sitting at the table with Jay when he walked down the stairs, pointing to something under the crayon the small boy was holding. Her eyes cast up to his, and she offered him a smile. Her eyes looked heavy, shoulders holding things she shouldn't have too. He offered her a small smile of his own in return.

"Good morning, sweetheart."

"Morning." He nodded to the two, before looking at Jay. "Pancakes, huh?" he asked softly, voice low and still a little drowsy.

She shook her head in amusement. "Insisted you make them. We both know I'm not good with anything in a frypan."

Jay giggled from beside her and held up the paper under his hands. "Look!"

Tyler wasn't sure what it was meant to be, but he smiled at the swirls of purple and green anyway. "Looks good."

He smiled again and returned to drawing, this time with an orange crayon. "Can you make 'em with banana?"

"Don't think we have any, dear," their mother interjected.

"Chocky chip, then?" Tyler offered as he stood in the kitchen doorway. Jay looked thoughtful for a second before a fresh grin spread over his face. He nodded.

Zack didn't join them till after Tyler had placed a plate of pancakes on the counter. Jay all but scurried over and took the plate back to the table. He giggled a thank you, painting a spot of chocolate on his chin as he took a few bites.

The middle brother stood in the doorway silently as he watched on. He looked tired, but Tyler was sure he was home when he went to bed. Nobody mentioned it.

"So how was the party, Tyler?"

He looked back at his mother, bringing a plate over to her as she wiped Jay's face. His fingers twitched, but it remained unseen. "Was alright. Met some new people."

"I'm glad. Those boy's seemed nice."She smiled at him, pushing a piece of her hair behind her ear as she took the plat from him. "Thank you, sweetheart."

Tyler looked at Zack from the corner of his eye and placed another plate on the table before returning to the kitchen.

"Good morning, Zack."

The middle boy looked around the room before settling on his mother. "Morning," he mumbled. The word was dejected. Forced and empty. Like it was wasn't even coming from him.

"Zack, lookie." Jay sat on his knees on the chair, pushing his crayon covered paper towards his other brother. Their mother pulled away his plate of pancakes from under him, dodging where his elbows landed on the table with a dull thud.

Zack raised his eyes up from the grain of the wooden table and took a seat where the the last plate of food had been placed. Tyler watched him move from the kitchen as he plated the last of the mix. He was sure his mother was doing the same with equal subtlety. There was a certain anxiety prickling under his skin and in his stomach, but it was almost a normal feeling.

"Good job," Zack murmured, eyes meeting Jay's for a moment before returning to the plate before him. Jay smiled again and sat back down to stuff another fork full of pancakes into his mouth.

Tyler looked at his mother as he walked to the table with his own food. They didn't say any words, but they didn't really need to.

"Eat up, love," she said gently to Zack. "Tyler made them for us."

Zack nodded and picked up the fork with slow fingers.

Tyler sat down in silence, sending one more look at his mother and Jay before taking a bite of his own food. He wasn't sure if his mother saw, doubted it from the angle she was at, but he swore he could see a red tinge running over the skin of Zack's left knuckle as he lifted his hand to scratch at the side of his neck. He recognised the injury, of course, but he didn't mention it.  
  


Tyler found himself back in his room again not too long after eating. Zack had done the same, still with overall minimal words and low eye contact. For the entire time the four of them were in the same place, the knot in his stomach stayed tied, much like the tingling under his skin. He was almost waiting for it all to crash and fall apart like it did so often. He could see his mother too, with her shoulders still too square and high to be tension free. But again, he couldn't blame her.

Quiet music played though his room, a mix of  _Gorillaz,_  and  _Empire of the Sun._  There was another box that sat under his desk, not unlike the one filled with scrawled on sticky notes. He stood over the desk as he opened it for the first time since moving out of his old home. Of course with time it had stopped feeling like a home at all, hence the four of them moving so far away in the first place.

There were stacks of photos inside it, some he took himself with disposable cameras, and other he had been given in the form of old polaroids. In the past his walls had been littered with photos, his own memories from the past mixed with ones of others. But the walls around him now were still bare of them, lonely wallpaper between the posters and windows.

One of the first ones that caught his eye was one from only a little more that a year and a half ago. The basketball jersey that hung off his body was half pulled between his teeth. People told him he did that a lot during games, but he never really noticed in the moment. He never particularly told people about his past in the sport, didn't even keep his trophies himself anymore. He was sure his mother still had them in one of the boxes in the basement though. He didn't always like to remember those times for one reason or another, but sometimes he didn't mind so much. Zack joined him in a few of the photos, along side him as he passed the ball or sat in the sidelines. He was happier back them too. They all seemed to be.

The next one he lifted from the box was one of his mother and himself when he was not long born. The second was one was the same with with Jay, and the third with Zack. She looked happier back then too, shoulders lighter and face brighter. There was a man standing in each of them too, tall with broad shoulders and hair darker that Tyler's own. There was another one after that, with their mother and a little girl with big eyes. She showed up a lot in the photos he'd taken over the years, with wide smiles and messy hair. The later ones weren't toned so much like that, but he kept them all the same. He rathered something over the space posed now.

There was a single photo wrapped in plastic underneath the others, kept safe and clean from both plying eyes and fingers. It had been hidden for a while now, and the sight of it seemed to make the air around him stop. Only for a second though, before he slid it out of the plastic and inspected it closer. It wasn't like he really needed to though, every line, curve and colour on it already etched into his mind without fault.

Six of them stood in the picture, baby faced kids and grinning parents all pressed together. Something hurt in the back of his throat and he looked away from the photo. He took a piece of blue tack and left the box open on the desk as he stepped away back to his bed with the single polaroid in his hand. His toes caught in the sheets momentarily as he stood on the bed and he balanced himself against the wall. He stuck the picture to a spot above the bed and jumped back down with a dull noise.

Music was still playing, and he silently focused on the end of the song as he laid back on the bed with a low breath.

_"I'm with you throughout it, choose. Busted and Blue."_

The phone beside his head flashed in his peripheral, and It wasn't until then that he realised there was a missed message from before he's even woken up that morning. He rolled over onto his side and unlocked his phone with slow fingers. When he read the message, his breath stuttered and his fingers twitched. He looked at it in silence again for nearly a minute before dropping the phone and rolling back onto his back. His hands found there way to his face where they pressed against his eyes like it might make him unread it. Of course that wasn't how it worked. So he laid there and tried again to focus of the music.

**From; Zack - do you think she was scared?**

He could hear something thud against the wall he shared with Zack's room, but he stayed where he was.

He needed to breathe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't want this to sound hella depressing, but I don't know how families are actually meant to act when they're happy. I don't have the typical sense of a family, and it's been a long time since I was in one I'd even consider a real family at all. Hense why I'm best at stressful and typically dark situations. Even slight sibling interactions are almost foreign to me. Basically I'm flying blind on anything other than stressful and angry interactions and I'm sorry if it seems clumsy.


	23. Leaves

Josh wasn't at school on Monday. That was the first thing Tyler noticed. The second thing was that Brendon was wearing sunglasses and had earphones pressed into his ears.

Tyler didn't say anything at first, opting to pass him by as he stood against his locker. It was almost unnerving, having the brunette be something other than the loud and typically hyper person Tyler figured him to be. He'd almost feel worried, if it wasn't for the explanation Ryan offered him.

The taller brunette greeted him only a few minutes before the bell rang, a still silent Brendon trailing behind him. "Morning, Tyler."

Tyler nodded at him, scratching his nose twice. "Morning."

"Mornin'," Brendon murmured, leaving his earphones in place. He didn't remove his sunglasses either.

Ryan looked at Tyler, an almost amused glint in his eyes. "He's reaping the repercussions of drinking till late last night as well as Saturday."

Brendon didn't move, except to flip up his middle finger.

"And his mother kicked him out of the house before he could try and skip."

"Lady got no mercy," Brendon murmured.

Tyler felt a tug on his lips at that, but didn't say anything.

"Have you seen Josh?" Ryan asked as he motioned for Brendon to move out of the way from a Sophomore girl to get to her locker. "He didn't answer Brendon's texts."

The skin beneath his sleeves seemed to flicker with something for a moment, but he didn't react. "No."

Ryan half shrugged, and watched Brendon sneeze before groaning and holding his temples. "Hangovers a-"

"Fucker," someone interrupted. "I know."

"Gerard," Ryan motioned a nod to behind Tyler. The black haired boy in question nodded back. "Not the word I would've used, but yeah."

Gerard hummed.

With the current lack of a late night party coated in a half drunken fuzz, Tyler took a moment to look at the boy again. The thought had crossed his mind that the bags under his eyes he had seen before had just been from the alcohol, but under the fluorescent light of hallway, he could tell they were similar to his own. Almost a permanent contrast against his skin. Of course, his assumption of empty eyes and multi layered emotion seemed to be truer than he's first noticed. He pushed the thoughts back for now.

"Hey...uh...Tyler...?" The black haired boy sounded unsure.

"Correct." Tyler almost smiled. Almost. "Hey."

Gerard gave a small fist pump, looking accomplished. "You look like you need more than an aspirin, Brendon."

"You don't get to tell me what I need. You barely get hangovers."

"I did on Saturday," he shrugged. "But that was it."

"I hate you," Brendon murmured.

"Wow I'm so emo now." He rolled his eyes, crossing his arms as he leant against the lockers.

Brendon opened his mouth to reply, but the bell ringing cut him off. Instantly his hands covered his ears and his head bowed forward. "Oh fuck!"

Ryan stared at him before shaking his head. "Have fun in class Brendon."

"I want death," the pained brunette grumbled. "And weed."

"Same," Tyler heard Gerard say, and he couldn't help but huff an amused sound. The black haired boy smiled back at him.

"Well your smoking buddy isn't here today, and you know I don't have cigarettes on school grounds." Ryan patted Brendon's shoulder. "See you after class."

Gerard walked one way with Brendon, while Tyler followed Ryan.

He wouldn't say his anxiety over the closeness school offered had lessened by much, and the way he still walked half begin Ryan on their way to class only solidified that. Ryan didn't seem bothered by it though - understood maybe. He appreciated it.

Tyler found himself reading halfway through his first lesson, and continued to do so for the class after. Ryan didn't talk to him for most of the time, but he didn't mind. There was no malice behind the silence, and instead he filled it with words of _Steven King_. He could remember the first time he'd read one of his books, begged his mother to let him have it for Christmas. She'd protested of course, but gave up before his fifteenth birthday.

It was funny really, how back then being allowed to read a scary book had been such a big thing. Now, it was nothing. But things changed like that, grew like that, and went away like that. Like autumn leaves, but far less noticing of the change.

Ryan's elbow met Tyler's with a sudden jolt, the book he was holding almost falling from his hands.

"Sorry," Ryan apologised with a quieter voice than Tyler would have expected.

"S'alright." Tyler offered a slight smile. He noticed the way Ryan's eyes weren't as bright as he remembered. But maybe he was just imagining it.

"Have you...heard from Josh at all?" Ryan played with his sleeve for a moment before looking at the other. "We all talk a lot over text. But he wasn't with Brendon yesterday and he hasn't answered any messages."

Tyler watched the way Ryan's eyes flicked around and the way his left eyebrow twitched as he spoke. Like there was a secret he was scared Tyler would see if he met his eyes for too long. Tyler didn't ask though. Instead he left it to sit in his stomach along with something akin to worry. He wasn't quite sure.

"I don't think he even has my number." He shook his head once.

Ryan blinked, and sat up a little straighter than before. "O-Oh of course. Sorry. I didn't think about that."

Tyler scratched the side of his neck once, fingers leaving almost as soon as they made contact. "I'm sure he's fine," he offered.

Ryan smiled.

His phone buzzed once against his leg. He looked around the room, and found the teacher dragging around his computer mouse with exaggerated laziness. He hasn't spoken much that lesson, writing something on the board before pointing at it and sitting down. Not that Tyler was complaining, of course.

**From; Ma**

**I'm sorry Tyler, but I'll be home later than normal tonight. Two people had to leave early and I need to cover. Can you pick up Jay after school for me please?**

Tyler tapped a fast reply before slipping his phone back in his pocket. Ryan looked at him, watching him sigh once.

"Okay?"

He nodded. "Just gotta grab my little brother from school."

Ryan nodded back, but didn't say anything in return. Not that there was much to say.

Tyler scratched his neck again, and closed his book entirely.


	24. Blue Red

The clouds that had gathered and grown over the space of the day finally became to heavy and gave way not long before the end of school. The sound of raindrops periodically became louder as the second half of the last lesson ticked by. Tyler sometimes wondered to himself if it was in any way odd that he found himself more comfortable during the darker side of the weather. Then again maybe it wasn't. It didn't particularly matter either way, he supposed. 

Rushed footsteps filled the hallways and the outside not long after the bell sounded, and Tyler was sure he saw Zack do the same with a group of Junior boys.   
  


"Do you have an umbrella?" Ryan asked as he and Brendon stood with Tyler just under the cover of the school roof.

Tyler shook his head. He rarely ever carried one. 

Brendon looked at him. He was still wearing sunglasses, but had abandoned his ear phones sometime during first lesson under protest against the teacher. "Do you need a ride?"

He shook his head again. "Got to pick up Jay."

"Does your other brother have one?" Ryan watched Brendon adjust his sunglasses. 

"He left already."

Ryan didn't say anything more for a moment. 

"Will you be good?" Brendon inquired.

Tyler shrugged, but nodded once. "Uh-huh. Lil' water never hurt."

"It's pouring."

"I'll run."

Brendon's face cracked a little, and he finally lifted his sunglasses. "Are you getting sassy Mister Joseph?"

Tyler looked at him, moving his gaze to Ryan when the other boy huffed an amused sound. "Maybe."

"I approve." Brendon nodded with a grin and crossed arms. "Catch you later then, 

He and Ryan both took a step forward, dashing towards a car Tyler hadn't even noticed had pulled up at the gate. Ryan threw his head back at him. "Don't catch a cold. See you tomorrow."

"Bye," Tyler called back over the sound of the raindrops hitting the roof above him.

The rain calmed after about five minutes of Tyler waiting, enough for him to feel a chance in running it. So he pulled up his hood, and left. There wasn't anyone around as he jogged steadily, the weather of course dictating such a result. He tugged at his hood, pushing a few raindrops off from where they had settled on his nose. He could feel the drops gathering more on the skin of his hands, but he ignored it.

He could feel the rain pick up for only a second just as he rounded the corner to Jay's school. His younger brother was already at the front gate, accompanied by a teacher with a rainbow umbrella.

"Tyler," Jay called with a high voice and a smile on his face. His yellow raincoat moved in a stiff way as he waved a small arm in the air. Tyler couldn't help but smile back.

"Hey there, buddy." He breathed deep as he stopped running.

"Your mother let me know you'd probably be late getting here," the lady holding the umbrella nodded. She looked young, maybe mid twenties or something. Not that it had any bearing on anything.

"Thank you." He nodded with respect.

"See you tomorrow, Jay." She nodded and left.

Jay waved as she re entered the building behind them. "Bye Miss Ellie." He looked  back at Tyler as he reached for his hand, wrapping his small cold fingers around his brothers. "She helps Mrs Garllo. She's really nice."

Tyler nodded with a hum as he squeezed his little brothers hand.   
  


Tyler liked the smell of rain. He always had. The sound of the gathering puddles beneath each step would be just as calming as it usually was, if it wasn't for the water slowly soaking through the fabric of his shoes. He could feel the back of his hooded jumper growing damp and colder, slowly retaining the raindrops that landed on it. Jay walked beside him without complaint, thankfully mostly shielded from the rain that was increasing around them. 

He sighed, feeling the cold seep more and more into his bones. His knuckles hurt a little, joints seemingly swollen and stiff from the rain and cool air. Again, it wasn't like he really cared. To say he was half use to it was not a whole lie, but it was more that the sting that was offered to him was like a weight keeping him tied to the ground. Like it let him know his blood was still pumping. 

A drop of water ran from his hood to flow down his face. He shook his head, somewhat dispelling it, and squinted into the distance. There was a small park situated on the corner of the street, single use hot plates and covers from the sun - or in this case, the rain. 

"We're just going to stop till it lets up, okay?" Tyler had to speak a little louder from the heavy drops as he squeezed Jay's hand.

"Okay." Jay smiled from underneath his raincoat, and followed his older brother towards the safety of a dry place.

When Tyler was younger, before they left their hometown, he spent a lot of time at the parks around the town. They were quietest in the afternoons of winter, when people decided it too sold to be outside at all. But Tyler didn't mind at all. He leaked it better when he was the only one there. Sometimes he even found himself leaving if someone so much as wondered into his line do sight. It wasn't like he was shy, even back then. More, a lack of people made his mind a little cleared than it usually was. Although that was not always for the best, as to be expected of someone with his thoughts.

He couldn't see anyone at the park at first, with no noise other than the raindrops on the metal covering and the small splashes their footsteps supplied. It was empty, and Tyler breathed.

The metal seat of the table was cold though his damp pants as he sat. Still, Jay was protected from it all. There were small droplets gathered on its surface, blown in from the he wind over the hours. The top of the table was scratched with letters and pictures. The typical and basically expected _Stacy was here,_ was written in several different variants, along with love hearts and crosses. He ran his fingers over them, wondering what they'd used to make the markings. Probably a pocket knife, or something. 

"Can we get pizza for dinner?" Jay tugged at Tyler's shoulder, having to move his raincoat hood to meet his eyes. 

Tyler helped him, pushing the hood back entirely before answering. "I'll see what we can do, buddy."

The younger nodded, and cast his eyes back to look around them.

Tyler did the same after a moment. The rain wasn't letting up yet, and puddles were gathering more and more, leaving the grassy area all around them looking like a swampy marsh. 

"Who's that?" Jay tugged at his brothers sleeve again, and pulled his attention to the direction his small fingers were pointed. And when Tyler turned and followed his gaze, his eyes fell on something red. Then something blue - almost black and _purple._

But the two colours were mixed together, on the same person and same _face._  

And of course, because it couldn't be anyone else - he met eyes with Josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've a lot of family stuff to deal with. Heavy stuff. And mental stuff. But I'm trying to write still, of course.


	25. Soaked

Josh lit the cigarette that hung between his lips. It was his third or forth one in a row, but he was barely keeping track. He'd been walking and smoking all day, and all he knew was that his packet was nearly empty. The air bit at the exposed skin on his neck and arms, and mixed with the raindrops it created something even sharper. His lip pulsed twice as he sucked in a breath of smoke, and he could feel the split on his upper lip crust up just a little bit more. His fingers were cold against his scalp as he ran them through his hair but the water gathered along the red strands left it lacking any measurable effect. The mark on his cheek from days before was almost gone now, and although he'd like to say the memory of breaking bottles and swearing had gone along with it, that wasn't nearly the case. Luck was not in his blood, after all. He pushed everything as far back into his head as it would go, and covered it with another puff of smoke.

The left side of his face hurt, as it had been for most of the day. He hadn't looking in the mirror once yet, ignoring the reflections he passed in the forms of shop fronts and car windows, but from the way his fingers threatened to twitch whenever he raised them to the skin, he presumed it had already bruised a good amount. Well, as good of an amount as one could count when hit in the face with clenched fists.

The rain increased as he kept on walking, shielding his current cigarette with his hand before it was finally extinguished by the water running between his fingers. His hair was plastered to his scalp and forehead, and he was sure there was red hair dye coating the back of his neck by now. 

He was tired, and sore, and more tired still. Walking down street after street all day would do that to anyone in his state he reasoned. Not even counting the rain that seemed to absorb all measure of coordination. He wished he had more change in his pocket, but he was short. And almost out of cigarettes. He needed more. Needed the smoke to fill his lungs and mind, and cover everything with a thin layer of relaxing poison. Then he'd be okay.

He wasn't sure why he'd neglected to go to Brendon's house, or even messaged him or Ryan for that matter. Maybe it all had something to do with the close proximity of his last visit regarding injuries he wouldn't talk about, but it wasn't something he allowed his mind to look into.

As the rain got heavier still, he found himself in sight of a place with cover. It looked like a park but he could barely keep his eyes focused enough to tell. He could barely keep his _head_ focused enough to tell. So he didn't bother trying and kept moving forward, every step feeling heavier from the water soaking into his shoes. He looked up for only a second as he moved closer, eyes heavy and head starting to hurt more from his tiredness. He sighed. There was someone sitting at the park, but he hadn't paid enough attention to know who. He just needed to stop walking.

 

Tyler watched the red and blue boy take one step after the other as he moved towards where he and Jay sat. His eyes had flicked up and met with his for only a second, but it didn't seem like he'd really _seen_ him. If it wasn't for his luck ever since they'd met, he might be surprised to see the red haired boy at such a time. But he wasn't. He was just nervous. He could tell himself all he wanted that he _shouldn't_ be, but his mind wasn't so easily controlled. He tugged at his sleeves under the table, and looked back at Jay. Something more curled inside at the sight of the marks adorning the approaching boy's face.

"Who's that?" Jay asked again. 

"Someone from school," was all Tyler said. Really, what else was he meant to say; A friend? He wasn't even sure really. Maybe an acquaintance would be a better word. Sometimes Tyler wasn't sure what really even constituted a friend anymore. But that didn't matter right now anyway.

Tyler cast his eyes back to the nearing boy, and then back down to the table. He pulled at his sleeves again before running his hand through his hair. His jacket and pants was still damp, along with his shoes and socks. He shuffled his feet along the ground before looking back up at Josh. 

He stood only a few steps from the table now, water dripping off him and onto the concrete below his feet even though the rain was no longer meeting his body. His hair was stuck to his head, bits of red sitting on his skin under the drenched strands. He didn't look up for a few moments. 

Tyler cleared his throat before speaking. "Josh."

Josh looked up suddenly, and Tyler forced himself not to stare at him, despite the blue and red and purple that called his attention. "Hey." The word sounded broken. Not the kind of broken you get when you're about to cry; the kind that came with exhaustion. Unbearable exhaustion of both the mind _and_ the body. He dropped himself into the seat across from Tyler, and kept his eyes looking away, back out to the rain. A part of Tyler wondered what he was thinking, but he didn't ask about it. 

His clothes were drenched too, far more that Tyler's. His muscle shirt clung to him in an uncomfortable looking way. There were markings on his shoulder that looked like a barely started tattoo, but it didn't hold any sort of importance.

"You...weren't at school." It was simple. The best Tyler could come up with. Anything else seemed to not want to leave his tongue at all.

Josh didn't answer right away, first pulling his gaze back from the rain and resting his elbows on the table top. He scratched his neck. "Yeah."

Tyler wondered why Josh seemed almost disconnected. Given the state of the boy in front of him, he wondered a lot of things. None of which felt like his place to bring up. So he didn't.

"Your hair is really cool." Jay stared at him.

Josh looked at the boy, then nodded at him. "Thank you." His voice was softer. It was odd, almost. "I like your raincoat."

Jay grinned at him. "Thanks! I'm Jay. What's your name?"

"Josh."

Jay kept his grin for a moment before looking back out into the rain. There was a bird calling through the the falling water, and the younger boy trained his attention on it instead of the two others at the table. Tyler was partly grateful.

"Ryan was worried." Tyler kept his voice a little lower, and tugged at his sleeves again.

Josh made a noise like a question, and scratched his neck again. He still didn't look at him. Not properly anyway, his current angle only offering a peak of purple and a small cut in his eyebrow. 

"Said you hadn't...texted." He cleared his throat. "Since Saturday."

There was another gap of silence, filled only by the rain hitting the cover above them. "I forgot."

Tyler knew it was more than that. There wasn't much to tell him otherwise. But  he didn't say anything more, and neither of them spoke for a few minutes. Neither of them looked at each other. Neither of them moved nor breathed too loud nor made any step to start something new with words. But they didn't have too.

"Can we go home soon?" Jay asked, tugging at Tyler's sleeve. Something like panic flared in his throat, but he pushed it away. Instead Tyler looked at him, lips curling upwards just a little.

"Yeah in a minute." His clothes were still very much wet, but he ignored it as best he could. Josh was looking at Jay too, when Tyler looked back. There was something in his eyes, like he was smiling without the smile. He could see more of his face now, with a blood crusted lip and an eye swelled with bruised skin. But he could barely tell how bad it was. It was dim, sun clouded over by a thickness too much to see through.

Josh looked up at him for a moment, before looking back at the table. It was unnerving. Josh wasn't meant to be like he was right now. He wasn't meant to look so...empty. Tyler had seen his eyes before. He knew he already looked empty but it seemed so _magnified_ and for some reason it bothered Tyler more than what seemed natural.

He cleared his throat twice before talking, but his voice still felt weak. "Gonna be rainin' for ages still. Come back to my place n'...wait it out?"

The red haired boy's face almost looked shocked. Almost. He was good at keeping his expressions mostly hidden, it seemed. Only on the surface though. It was under the skin and inside his skull he hid everything important. Tyler could tell. 

"Uh..." Josh looked away again and scratched his neck. "I-"

"We're gonna get pizza for dinner! You should get some too," Jay spoke suddenly, almost startling both the boys. 

Josh looked at him for only a moment before answering. Like Jay had made him decide. "Yeah. Alright."

It was silent for a moment, and Tyler broke it with the clearing of his throat. "Kay." He tugged at his sleeves. "Let's go then. Only a couple blocks," he said.Josh didn't say anything more, instead making a noise that accompanied a small nod. But it was enough. 

Jay led the way home, staying three steps ahead of the other two with his fingers curling around the edges of his plastic yellow sleeves. A giggle passed his lips as his feet met a particularly deep puddle, and Tyler made a mental note to make sure to put both their shoes in the dryer when they got home. 

A drop of water met with his nose, and he took a deep breath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this chapter doesn't seem to rushed or forced. The last week has been...bad. But I wanted to upload. I needed it. So I hope you like it.


	26. Busted Boxes

Tyler half hoped Zack was still out when he opened the front door, but it wasn't locked, so he figured he wasn't. He didn't say anything about it or course, simply shaking the loose rain drops off before stepping inside. Not like it made much of a difference to his current condition.

Jay kicked off his shoes with little care, laughing as a soggy shoe landed a few metres away. Tyler couldn't help but huff an amused sound. "Careful, buddy. Mom would get mad if we got things dirty," he said quietly as Jay looked up at him.

"Sorry," he replied lightly, undoing the buttons on the raincoat with chilled fingers.

Tyler didn't say anything as he moved to help him, Jay spinning around as he pulled his arms free. "Get changed into something drier, yeah?"

Jay nodded at him, humming as he jumped up the stairs with nibble feet.

It was silent for a moment, then spontaneous noise drifted from the basement. Something akin to worry churned in his gut but he pushed it down as he turned back to Josh. The red head was standing silent behind him, head angled down just slightly.  It was unnerving. Disturbing, maybe. Just wasn't quite right. A part of Tyler felt guilty as he wondered if the red head would be more trouble than it was worth. He pushed that down too, and instead toed off his own shoes and kicked them to the side. 

Josh looked at him for a single moment before doing the same. His clothes still clung to him, and Tyler glanced over his body once before looking away. 

"C'mon."

The red head looked at the back of his head. "Sure."

Josh looked around him as he walked, body heavy and eyes drooped. The walls around him felt foreign. Almost rejecting and displeased at his presence. But Josh knew that was just in his head. They were just walls after all. In the beginning, even Brendon's hallways had done the same to him. But this was different. This wasn't Brendon - this was Tyler. A boy he barely knew. He could see him tugging at his sleeves mindlessly as they walked up the stairs, but he didn't say anything. He just scratched his neck. The thought tugged at his mind as to why Tyler even invited him to his house. He could have left him in the rain and he wouldn't even hold any malice at all. He wanted to ask, he really did. But he didn't. It wasn't really of importance, he reasoned.

Tyler took a towel from the bathroom vanity as they passed the room and passed it behind him as he grabbed one for himself. Josh took it without a word and began to dry his hair, silently hoping the red dye wouldn't soak into the dark blue fabric. Two doors down Tyler stopped again in front of a closed door, and hesitated before reaching for the handle. It was quiet, except for the faint sound of movement down the hall. There was an inkling of something below them again, too. But Josh and Tyler said nothing. It might have been more awkward if it wasn't for the two's pre-existing lack of conversational skills regarding the other. 

Josh wouldn't say he was overly interested in what Tyler's room might look like, but he'd think it non the less. It was dark, with curtains pulled closed and a light so dim you'd wonder how it even passed as such. Tyler didn't seem hindered at all though, moving around with no hindrance. There were few clothes scattered around, but not overall untidy. More, an organised clutter. He looked at the walls around the room, taking in the choices of worn and torn posters. There was a single photograph pinned to the wall above the half made bed, but he could barely make it out. It intrigued him just a little, but Tyler's voice pulled him to attention.

The brown haired boy held a shirt and a pear of sweatpants in his hands, presenting them to the red head. "Here. Should fit."

Josh took them. It looked like he'd taken the baggiest clothes he had. But it made sense given the lankiness of the brown haired boy's body. "Thanks." He looked at Tyler for a moment, the other staring back. "I'll use your bathroom. If that's..."

Tyler nodded and looked away. "Yeah that's uh...yeah." Josh left in silence, and Tyler pulled another set of dry clothes from the cupboard. 

The red haired boy was standing in the hallway when he opened the door back up, towel and wet clothing bunched up in his arms. His hair stood up at odd angles from where it was half dry and still wet. "I'll put the stuff in the drier," he said to the red head as he walked past with his own arms full of damp clothing.

"Thanks."

Jay was already down stairs when they passed the lounge room, some children's program playing on the television, and he rocked back and forth from where he sat cross legged on the floor. 

"Jay can you ask Zack if he's eating dinner?"

Jay turned around, nodding as he stood. "Kay. When is mom coming home?" he asked as he followed them both to the laundry. 

"Late. But we'll save her a slice of pizza, yeah?"

"Okay." Jay nodded again before leaving. 

Tyler dumped both his and Josh's clothes in the drier before turning it on. "You stayin' for pizza?"

Josh looked at him. "Uh..." He scratched his lip, and hissed once. 

Tyler ran his eyes over Josh's face once. If he was thinking anything, he didn't show it. Josh was sure he was though. And he was right, but all the brunette said was, "C'mon." Josh followed him without question back to the kitchen, where Tyler pulled a box down from above the fridge. He already guessed what he was doing though. There was more sound from the basement, and he saw Tyler's body pause for just a second. 

The brunette passed him a few band aids and an alcohol wipe. "Thanks." 

The moment of silence that stretched next only brought the question to Josh's mind as to why Tyler hadn't once asked about the bruised and cuts despite still acknowledging them. It wasn't all that odd, but the boy's face showed nothing to the questions he might be asking inside his own head. 

Josh wiped his lip and brow with the alcohol wipe, suppressing a hiss from the low sting.

"Tyler!" 

Jay appeared in the doorway, hands clutching at the doorway. "What's up, buddy?"

"One of Zack's friends knocked over one of your boxes."

Josh looked back at Tyler, in time to see him drop the first aid box back onto the counter top with a careless thud. His jaw was clenching. "Go watch TV, yeah?"

"Kay." He disappeared again with soft steps. 

Tyler moved to leave too, and without a single word to Josh, he walked down to the basement with rushed steps.

Josh followed, red tinged wipe still bunched in his hand.

 

Tyler was never too good at friends, but he knew that; he was use to it. Maybe it really wasn't the  _making_ part so much as the  _keeping_  part, but the end result made the means null. Sometimes he'd wonder if people expected him to share more; tell them more secrets or something. But he wasn't sure, nor was he sure he  _could,_ even if he knew. He'd lose count of how many people simply disappeared back into the crowd after trying to befriend him, if he'd even counted at all of course. But the thing was that he never really noticed, and when he did it was always too late.

Zack was different. In comparison, he was the social one. He didn't hold on to his solitude as much at Tyler did. Of course Tyler didn't do too much of that anyway; it was just the way things happened for him. As if in a way to prove the point, Zack had seemed to fall into the social scene almost instantaneously upon moving. Then again, Tyler found himself theorising that his over willingness might be linked to his late behaviour in general.

He could hear Josh's footsteps behind him as he moved down the stairs, but he was focusing more on what was in front of him.

"Holy shit, Toro," Zack sounded amused, laughter wafting up to their ears. In any other circumstance, if Tyler's skin was prickling with nerves, he might feel somewhat relieved over the contrast of his brother's mood. 

"He started it!" He didn't know that voice.

"No way!" Nor did he recognise that one either. No doubt both were friends of Zack's.

He heard Josh make a sound behind him akin to a sigh, but he didn't have time to ask about it. Instead, the first thing that left his mouth was his brother's name. "Zack." 

His brother sat on the old couch that was pushed against the wall, legs slung over the armrest so he was at an odd angle, like he'd fallen. His hair looked damp, and when he cast his eyes to the other two boys in the room, he noticed the same trend. Their clothes weren't drenched like his and Josh's had been though, and he could only assume they'd come directly from school.

The taller of the boys stood with messily curled brown hair and an expression of surprise. The boy who stood with his head locked in the other's arm looked smaller, with glasses and straight hair with a ruffled side fringe. His expression was equal to the other, maybe even more sheepish.

"Josh," was the only thing that left the smaller boy's mouth, the other staying quiet, along with Zack. 

The red head in question stood beside Tyler completely before talking. "Hey Mikey." There was a gap of silence as the two boys separated, the shorted fixing his glasses. "Hey Ray."

"Uh...hey," Mikey said quietly. Ray only nodded.

Tyler looked around the room for a moment, eyes zoning in on two boxes that had been tipped over. The room held a lot of boxes, ones still labelled cleanly and unopened. He wasn't really sure how long it would be before they were opened at all. He half ignored the other boxes, and simply focused on the fallen ones. He didn't say anything as he fast stepped passed Ray and Mikey and knelt on the ground with a muted thud. There wasn't any speaking around him as he sat up the bigger box. Inside he felt something shift, and his heart dropped. Or maybe that was his stomach; he wasn't all that sure.

"Is that-" Zack started.

"Yes," Tyler cut him off. He already knew the question he was about the ask, and didn't really care for it. His voice came out colder than he'd meant, but he wasn't about to apologise.

"I'm sorry about that," Ryan murmured lowly, cautiously.

Tyler didn't answer, stealing himself away to open the box with nervous fingers. Inside, his old guitar sat unscathed. Well, not any more than it already had been over the years. a bag of loose picks shifted at the bottom, and he sighed silently with relief. He looked up when Zack's shoes appeared next to him, and his eyes blinked at him with something akin to worry. 

"Is it alright?"

Tyler only nodded. 

"I'm really sorry," Ray said again. Louder and a little more sure. 

"It's fine," Tyler assured as he stood the box back up and closed it. The box beside it was smaller, and he picked it up before standing. He didn't look inside it, but took in the small dent on the bottom corner. His heart beat a little bit faster. He took a deep breathe before addressing the room. "Are you guys staying for dinner? Mom left us money for pizza."

"She'll be late?" Zack asked, moving to lean against the wall. 

"Had to cover."

Mikey cleared his throat. "I've got a couple dollars."

"Me too," said Ray, fishing into his back pocket. 

Tyler nodded again, starting for the stairs. "I'll order some, then."

He was at the top of the stairs when he heard Mikey talk again. "What happened to your face, Josh?" 

His feet stuttered on the steps, and he lingered just enough to hear a half forced answer that he knew was only the first half of the truth. "Got into a fight."

He took the last few steps and let the door gently swing close behind him. When he placed the box on the kitchen counter, he felt something shift again, but he didn't open the box right away. 

Tyler would be lying if he say he hadn't expected Zack to throw up something of an angry reaction, even if it wasn't warranted at all. The reaction he got surprised him, far more than the fact that the two boys he'd been in company of didn't seem like any obvious trouble. Maybe it was a good thing Zack had thrown himself into social groups so fast if that was the kind of people he was hanging around. Maybe it would help him. Would the same thing help himself? Tyler was doubtful, and cast the thought aside.

He heard to door open again as he picked up the medical box and placed it back on top of the fridge. 

"What was in the box?"

Josh looked at him head on when he turned back, and the thought crossed his mind that Josh had barely made eye contact since they met at the park. He was the first to look away, pulling a small assortment of fast food pamphlets from the fridge. "My guitar."

The red head nodded, looking at the small dented box Tyler had placed on the counter. "What about that?"

Tyler didn't say anything for a moment, blinking as he kept focus on the pamphlets in his hands. "Tape recorder. Cassettes 'n stuff."

Josh only nodded again, but Tyler wasn't looking. 

Jay called out from the lounge room, and Tyler looked up to see him through the doorway. "Can we get garlic bread?"

Tyler's lips curled up, and he nodded. "Sure buddy."

He looked back at the menu, missing the way Josh stared at him for a moment longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Salutations. I'm sorry for my lack of reliableness as of late in regards to uploads. They're not very well written even after spending so much longer on them than normal. This mess of depression in human form has become a bigger mess.
> 
> I'm not well. I know I say that a lot but I think I'm getting worse. I busted my knuckles for the second time in a month during a breakdown. I'm breaking down more often with far more dangerous reaction. Like, very dangerous reactions. And it's scary. The inside of my own head is like a tunnel, but I can't see the end at all. There isn't sadness in my head, there's anger and frustration and emptiness and death. And it's terrifying. People tell me I'll get better one day but I've been battling mental illness ever since I was old enough to have the capacity for such a thing. Which was very early on. My own skin feels filthy because of the thoughts in by head. I don't leave the house, let alone my room. And even then I'm still not okay. And I don't know if I'll ever be okay.
> 
> It's funny. Because I genuinely feel like you guys care. I decided not to even post this a/n on my Wattpad solely because I feel like you dudes care more. And I'm very sorry if I bother you with this junk. But every day I feel redundant and alone and suicidal. And every day i just grasp at straws to find something worth anything.


	27. Breaking Through

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write a longer chapter. I hope it worked okay.
> 
> Muse - MK Ultra - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27ixLv3Lw1M

"Peperoni?"

"Ah-huh."

"Meatlovers?"

"Yep."

"Garlic Prawn?

"That's gross."

Mikey shrugged from where he stood beside Zack. "Don't knock it till you try it."

Ray made a choking sound, and Mikey replied with an elbow to the ribs.

"Shut up, Toro."  


Tyler stood on the other side of the counter, shifting through the change with nimble fingers. He slid a few coins to Mikey and Ray, and watched a few seconds more of the exchange between the three. Ray ruffled Mikey's hair, much to the displeasure of the glasses wearing boy. Zack watching with a laugh upon his lips, eye crinkling just a little.  


It was odd; surreal almost, if not for the memories he still held of years before. It was a little less unexpected if he thought of them, but it still left him with a worry. How long would he be okay? Would he find himself angry again before the day was through? Maybe. It was half expected given the evidence and experience that had been presented as of late. Either way, Tyler's stomach took a moment to knot in worry.  


Josh stood beside the brunette, watching his lowered hands twist around the ends of his sleeves. He might not have even realised he was doing it. Of course, Josh did nothing except look away. Mikey looked at him for a moment, and the red head took the moment to speak. "Where's Gerard?"

"Went with Frank."  


Josh nodded. Tyler looked between them but it was Zack who asked the question he was thinking. "Frank?"

"Gerard's boyfriend," Mikey laughed, teasing and light.  


"They're not dating," Ray scolded him, but his own lips were curled up like he was part of an inside secret that wasn't so secret.  


"He wishes they were." Mikey rolled his eyes.  


"Well yeah, but they're not." Ray shrugged.  


Josh looked between them, and when Tyler looked glanced up at him he was sure he saw his eyes smile. Just a little bit. "Frank keeps Gee in check."

Mikey laughed suddenly, the sound falling out of his mouth like it had surprised him. "Frank Iero? He kept trying to climb into the coffin we had stored in the music room last year for the Drama Group. Couldn't keep him outta the thing. He can't even keep himself in check."

Ray snickered beside him.  


The sound of footsteps floated down the stairs, and Jay appeared in the doorway holding a toy monster truck with worn green paint. "Is the pizza here?"

"Yeah, buddy." Tyler nodded. "Go sit at the table, okay?"

"Kay." Jay climbed into his seat and proceeded to drive the truck across the tabletop in front of him, making small engine like sounds with his mouth.  


Ray leant against Zack for a moment. "Your little brother is adorable."

"I know." Zack smiled.  


Something else twisted inside Tyler, but he wasn't sure if it was anxiety, relief, of a hybrid of the two. Though there was no time to analyse it, as he simple pushed away any additional thoughts and shifted the pizza boxes from the counter the the table.

  


Josh hadn't sat at a full table in a long time. Not unless school tables counted during lunch break. If he had the current capacity to look into it, he might find it odd that that was the first thought that crossed his mind as he took a seat next to Tyler. He ate dinner alone most days, those he didn't usually replaced with take-away and weed while sitting on Brendon's bed or windowsill. But that wasn't counting the days he didn't eat at all. Sometimes he just couldn't be bothered. Sometimes he'd basically _forget_ he was even hungry. Sometimes he'd just ignore it till it went away.  


Tyler nudged one of the boxes of peperoni towards him, snapping him  out of the slight daze of thought he'd found himself in. He took in and half nodded to Tyler. "Thanks," he murmured, not sure if the word would get lost in the sound the other three were making. He didn't mind the noise though. It was pleasant, almost. A tad warmer than the usual alcohol stained walls that he found shouting and swearing slurred words around him.  


Tyler nodded back and took a bite of his own slice. Neither he nor Josh spoke though the meal, but it seemed they were  both content to let the chatter around the table wash over them in a foggy blanket of something better than their own heads. The brunette simply looked at the full table, and silently wondered how long it had been since the last two chairs had been filled.  


  


It was still raining after they had all finished eating, and when Zack, Mikey, and Ray went back to the basement, Tyler took a moment to listen to the heavy water hitting the kitchen window. He liked the sound of rain, the fullness of it only lessened by the quiet sounds of Jay running through around above them and dim chatter below. Josh stood at the far end of the counter; watching. He didn't say anything for a few moments more, looking at the way Tyler kept his gaze on the drops falling down the window glass.

It had been odd for him, to see into someone else's life after only knowing them for little more than a week and a half. With Brendon it had taken almost half a year for him to see even the insides of his house, let alone understand the insides of his head. It took even longer with Ryan, and he still had a lot of secrets Josh was unaware of. But he accepted that; accepted the boy's want for privacy and lack of trust in some subjects. Maybe it wasn't really about trust, but something else. It wasn't like it changed the situation. Tyler, though. It was different. They weren't what Josh would really consider 'friends' yet. It seemed more fitting to call it a mutual agreement of existence and acquaintancy. But that seemed a little cold of a term, even to Josh and his level of emotional disconnect.

Sometimes Josh hated his lack of connection to people. Hell, there weren't many times he didn't hate it. But it hadn't changed much over the years. He was the way he was and it had yet to lesson much more than an inkling. Although, that inkling was what let him be the way he was With Brendon and Ryan.  


Tyler, though. Again it was him. The red head found himself almost _interested_ with the brunette. There wasn't really a better word he could think of that wasn't off topic to what he meant. There was more under the surface than he could guess; that much he knew. But it was something else. The way he held himself was familiar; almost too much for comfort.  


He wasn't quite sure how he felt about him, but one thing he found himself thinking; if the brunette managed to become a part of what he'd formed with Ryan and Brendon, he wouldn't find himself all that opposed.

  


"Do you want me to leave soon?"

Tyler turned back to him from the window, eyes meeting his for a moment before he shook his head. "It's still raining. I don't mind if you stay."

Josh nodded back, and scratched his neck.  


Tyler picked at his sleeve. "You like Muse, right?"

The red head looked at him, and Tyler swore his lips switched before he spoke. "Yeah. I do."

Tyler did smile though; just a little bit. But it was enough because Josh felt something shift for just a second. He wasn't sure what it was, but he didn't care right now. Tyler picked up the small dented box from where it sat on the counter and took a few stops towards the stairs. He turned for a second, and Josh moved to follow him.   


The brunette moved up the stairs with gentle steps as he listened to the faint sound of rain.

  


Josh watched Tyler silently for a moment as he stood in the doorway of the bedroom. It was still dim, but again, Tyler seemed to be able to see just fine. He found his eyes adjusting a little after a minute though. Tyler dropped the box he was holding onto his desk with gentle hands before turning back to the red head, and moving to a stack of CD's next to his stereo.

"You like CD's better than digital?"

"Yeah, a little." There was a beat of silence, and Tyler's fingers twitched once before taking the current disc from the stereo. "My dad gave me his old CD's."

Josh felt the air shift a little. "He has good taste."

Tyler didn't answer that statement. Josh figured it didn't necessarily _need_ to have a follow up statement, but something told him that wasn't why he didn't answer. Obviously, it didn't really bother him. Or maybe it did and he just didn't notice. Either way, Tyler held up two CD's without looking at him. "Origin of Symmetry or The Resistance?"

"Good choices. Resistance."

Tyler nodded and slipped the disk into the machine. A beat of silence later and the sound of _MK Ultra_ filled the room. Tyler took a seat horizontally on the bed. Josh looked at him for a moment before the brunette gestured to the spot beside with with a tilt of his head. So he took up the spot, not quite touching Tyler's shoulder.  


They didn't talk, and Josh found his finger's itching to follow the drum beat the picked up with heavy sound. Tyler watched him from the corner of his eyes, following the way his fingers started to move. He looked away, and leant back against the bed with his legs still bent over the side. He closed his eyes, feeling the bed shift a little every time Josh mimicked the drum beat a little too heavily. But he didn't mind. He just listened to the music, and wondered if he'd even like it this much at all if it wasn't for the one who'd given him the CD's in the first place. He supposed it didn't really matter all that much though. He just listened to the voice in the room.

  


_Now we're falling, we are losing control._  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this okay? I really like Muse and I want to include more songs and music into the story, including links. I hope it doesn't annoy anyone.
> 
> In addition, have you seen the video of Frank trying to climb into the prop coffin from Helena during a minor interview? If you haven't, you should.


	28. Frustration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a/n- I want to apologise for my absence. It extended far longer than I ever would have hoped. It may not be long to some of you, but to me it was exponential.

It was almost funny, in a slightly sardonic sort of way, how utterly quiet the space between the walls around Tyler seemed now the sound of constant chatter was gone. It was something a little more than that, he knew. What exactly? Well that answer seemed a little out of reach under the mist covering his brain, like it was just past the point of recognition. All he knew was that for some reason, the space beside him felt like it was missing something it shouldn't be. Or more, something he didn't quite understand. After all, that space had been empty for quite a while now, in a way _._

The red head was long gone by the time Tyler's mother closed the front door with heavy limbs and drooped eyelids, and he was sure from the silence downstairs that Mikey and Ray had done the same. Josh had simply handed back his borrowed clothing in exchange for his own dry ones. with what Tyler considered a warm nod and eye contact that may have lasted a moment longer than expected. His eyes had once again grazed over the bruised skin and markings he knew weren't an accident, curiosity over their origin still itching under his fingers just a little. He ignored it all as best he could, though. Just like he always tried to do. It was hardly his business. 

Josh wasn't at school again the next day, or the day after that, but neither Brendon nor Ryan mentioned it like they had Monday. Tyler figured the red head must have spoken to them. He simply could have asked to find out, but as always he said nothing and left it be. Brendon didn't say much during those two days, and for some reason the lack of loudness and hyperactive attitude left a silence that weighed in the air nearly unable to be ignore. It was more than that, though. For the two days, Tyler had barely even spoken to either of them. On the third day however, he was sure he heard a conversation he wasn't meant to. 

"I get it. You're angry. But it's not his fault." Tyler was sure the voice belonged to Ryan, but he didn't dare look around the corner he'd happened to stop at. Something inside him made him wonder where the conversation was headed. 

"I'm not mad." That was Brendon. "I'm frustrated. Why didn't he come to me?"

"I don't know."

"He always comes to me." He sounded low. Defeated, maybe. "Thought he trusted me."

There was a gap in speech, the sound of slight foot shuffling barely noticeable over the chatter of the lunch area around them. Tyler debated stepping out; or walking away.

"He trusts us, Brendon. Of course he does."

Another silence ran through, and Tyler's foot shuffled before freezing at the continuation of speech. "Sorry."

"Don't be sorry."

"I need a smoke."

"You good?" There was no answer Tyler could hear, but the moment felt right to appear from where he stood, so he did. Ryan looked at him when he neared, shuffling slightly where he sat on the table. His hands were slipped into the pockets on his jacket. Brendon was already turned away, moving towards the bathrooms, seemingly unaware of Tyler's arrival. The taller brunettes eyes seemed a little sunken as he stared at him, worry plastered underneath them like grey clouds. His lip hung between his teeth for a moment more before he spoke. "How much of that did you hear?"

Tyler stared at him, before looking away and tugging at his sleeve. "Not much. Didn't mean to, really." He looked back up at him. "How'd you know?"

Ryan pulled his hands from his pockets and and rested them on the tabletop. "Your toes were showing."

He looked at his shoes and frowned slightly. "Oh."

He sighed as Tyler took a seat across from him. "Not your fault or anything."

Neither of them said anything for a while. He wasn't sure how long, but it was long enough to cause the air to shift in a way Tyler wasn't quite sure of. He found his fingers twitch where they sat atop the table. 

"He's just frustrated."

Tyler's head slipped up from here they had settled on his fingernails. He hummed in question.

"You've know the three of us for something like two weeks." Ryan's hands left the table. One went to scratch at his neck while the other slipped back into his pocket. "It takes a lot to get close to Josh. To get him to trust you."

Tyler kept his gaze now, eyes running along his face in search of something. His mind found itself falling back to the night at Dallon's. But those events would hardly instil trust. Still, Ryan's eyes held no anger towards him, nor distaste. "Don't think he trusts me, really."

"He went to you instead of Brendon when he was hurt."

"He's...mad at me?"

Ryan's eyes shifted; widened just a little. "No. No, he's not mad at you. He's frustrated. That he can't help Josh enough for his liking. See, Brendon and Josh have been friends of a long time, all things considered. I have too, but it's still a little different. For Bren, he's always been like...a safe place for Josh, in a way. A place he can escape to, even when he wont admit he needs escaping at all." Ryan looked down for a moment, and Tyler took the time to let things sink in. "It's...fair to say as well that sometimes Brendon just gets...like this. For no reason. "

Tyler swallowed, grazing over the last part of the reply, but storing it in his head for another time. "I didn't help him. I...saw him at the park. It was raining and..."

Ryan smiled a fraction. "But Josh took the invitation. He could've said no. But he didn't."

"Have...you seen him?" It was the only thing he could think to say.

"No." Ryan shook his head. "He messaged Brendon Monday night."

Bruises. Bruises and marked skin. That's what crossed Tyler's mind in that moment, but he didn't say anything about it. 

"Maybe it was just right place right time. But...you seem like a good person. So maybe that's what got him." There was another silence.

Tyler scratched his nose, gaze moving back to the surface of the table. "M'not...really."

Ryan looked at him, eyebrows moved down a fraction. "What-"

"Hey, Ty Guy!"

His and Tyler's head shifted.

"Brendon," Ryan nodded. The louder brunette held himself different to how he had before he'd left. In the small time Tyler had seen him walk away, even he could tell. It was like he was a different person. It was a good thing, he'd concluded. 

Brendon sat down beside Ryan, and the three were silent for a moment. Then, Ryan turned to him with a deadpan look. "I thought you were going for a smoke."

"I did." Brendon smiled.

Ryan simply sighed, and Tyler sniffed the air. It was faint, but he could tell.

"Smoking on school grounds is risky enough."

His smile turned to a grin. "I know. I'm such a rebel, right?"

"Do you want to get caught with weed, too?"

Brendon dropped his head onto Ryan's shoulder, body half falling over his. "But I _needed_ it," he whined, voice childlike and higher pitched than normal. Tyler found his lips twitching with something akin to amusement. Ryan's did the same. There was something mixed with it too, though. Adoration, maybe? Or possibly affection. Either way, it was there, and for some reason it made Tyler smile just a little more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I want to apologise - again - for disappearing. It was a half truth that I've had things on in real life, but really I've just gone down hill again. I found out someone I am close to has bulimia, and he and another friend are both still on suicide watch. One of them tried to kill themselves again. And I'm stuck in a loop of breakdowns every other day and hitting things so much my knuckles are bruised and swelled almost all the time. Ma says she's worried I'll break em one time.
> 
> So I'm sorry for being away.


	29. A Secret Place

When Brendon spoke to Tyler on Friday morning, it was almost like the past few days had simply blown away, along with any ill thoughts he may have had. Truly, after listening to Ryan, he was sure that even if the other brunette was still the same as before, he'd almost understand. After all, he wouldn't pretend to understand the other's thought process completely.

"Tyler!"

Brendon waved an arm above his head from where he had stopped at the front gate. Tyler waved back with a barely raised hand. Ryan stood beside Brendon, a sweater covered hand lifted to his face to stifle a yawn. It was cold out, as it was expected to be. Tyler found his fingers tingling lightly if he left them in the open air too long this early in the morning.

"Hey," the taller brunette yawned again. "Tyler."

"Morning," he replied, nodding slightly.

Brendon intertwined his hands behind his head."Did you-" he cut himself off, and turned fully towards Tyler. "Ah."

Tyler turned around, shuffling the strap of his bag as he did. He wasn't sure why he was so surprised to see who was walking towards them, but for some reason he was. Well, maybe surprise wasn't the correct word. Relieved, maybe? It seemed to fit more, although he supposed it hardly mattered much. Brendon stepped past him, body language becoming even more relaxed than before. He approached the red head with shoulders set lower, and voice set higher.

"Josh!" He drew out the word over a few small steps. "I missed you!"

The red head approached, and Tyler found his eyes grazing back over his features. There were no plasters, but healing red lines drew over his lip and eyebrow. The blue was gone from his face, leaving only a gentle grey that was barely noticeable. Maybe gentle was the wrong word to use though, considering the circumstance in which they were probably obtained.

Josh only nodded at first, as Brendon bounded towards him before swinging an arm over his shoulder. "Did you miss me?"

The red head didn't even look at him, before answering in a deadpan voice, "Not at all."

Ryan laughed from beside Tyler, lowly and quietly. The sound seemed to take a minor weight from Tyler's shoulders too, almost clearing the tension that filtered over everything like a fine mist.

Josh kept walking towards Ryan and Tyler, all but dragging Brendon from where he still hung around his neck like a koala. His eyes seemed to meet Tyler's for longer than just a passing glace, and for some reason it made the latter wonder if there was something more than just a stare there. Either way, it ended as the four of them all stood together at the front gate. Brendon let go, instead moving back to rest against the fence on an elbow.

"Morning, Josh." Ryan nodded, receiving one back.

"Mornin' Ryan. Tyler."

Tyler nodded back at him. His mind found itself casting back in time, and comparing the difference in both body language and facial expression to that of which he'd observed on Monday afternoon. Given what he knew of Josh so far, the difference that night had been drastic. The only thing he could even minutely relate to that, was the single night at Dallon's only a few days before _than_ incident. It made him wonder. Did the happenings of that night have any bearing on why Josh followed him so easily? Of had the rain and the pain his face wore that day just worn him down to such a point where he would trust Tyler so easily; even a small bit? Maybe Tyler was thinking too much into it. He did that sometimes, he knew, but it felt different this time. Just a little bit. He had yet to understand why it was different, but he tried not to dwell on it too much. He was sure he would have a choice to thing of it later, anyway. That was how things seemed to work inside his own head. Things and thoughts never stayed pushed back for too long at a time. 

Josh seemed almost back to normal during the day, for the most part. Brendon, of course, continued to essentially hang off him with enthusiasm so bright it was hard to be mad. The red head seemed hardly bothered at all. Tyler figured he simply must have been use to it didn't speak much, but when he did, it was more or less the same as always. Tyler half wondered how he'd even noticed such a thing. Or more so, why? He half ignored his own mind, and simply tried to focus on class. Not that he was ever that good at that anyway. 

 

Josh played with his lighter as he stood just outside the front gate. Tyler could see him through the windows in the front doors and he emptied his locker, peering sideways as Ryan closed his locker and walked towards him. Brendon ran ahead of them, stopping for only a moment to say something to Gerard, who was leaning against his locker. The black haired boy only rolled his eyes, leaving Tyler to half wonder what he'd said. The brunette continued out the doors, jumping down the stairs towards the Josh.

"He's better, it seems." 

Ryan's voice pulled Tyler back to where he was. He stood beside him, adjusting his bag a little. Tyler surveyed his face for only a second, wondering why it tended to be even harder to read than Josh's or Brendon's. Not that he minded all that much, of course. It wasn't his place to know his thoughts. Although, through the day he was sure he'd seen periodicity furrowed brows, a more or less tell tale sign of worry or concern. He couldn't see them now, though. 

"Who?" Tyler closed his locker. The hallways was essentially empty now, only a few stragglers left. His shoes squeaked along the ground as he turned, and he cringed slightly at the high pitched sound. 

Ryan shrugged. "Both of them." There was a second of silence as the two started towards the front doors. "Didn't know Josh split his eyebrow, too," he added, quieter.

Tyler cleared his throat. He felt no harm in speaking next. "It was worse."

Unexpectedly , or maybe not, Ryan hummed like he'd expected the answer. "I'd figure as much."

The two passed Gerard as he closed his own locker, taking fast steps to catch theirs. "Hey there, amigos."

Ryan lifted an eyebrow, but Gerard only shrugged. 

"Mikey was watching Nacho Libre last night."

"Nacho what?" The tallest tilted his head in confusion.

"Some weird movie thingy about a Mexican monk who wants to be wrestler or something. I think the writers took acid or something." The black haired boy shrugged. 

For some reason, the description made Tyler breathe out an amused sound. He looked back to the front doors, only just noticing the other boy standing next to Josh and Brendon. Josh was still playing with his lighter when the three of them met the growing group, flicking the lid open and closed periodically with small sounds on metal hitting metal.

Tyler pulled the ends of his sleeves down over his fingers, curling them inwards against the sudden cool air that hit them. He looked around for a moment, and then asked himself what the point of that was. The weather was near identical to that of how it had been all day, less the sun's position. The threes still looked dead, and the sky was still dreary. He wasn't sure what he'd expected, really.

"Hey." Gerard nodded at Josh and Brendon, moving to stand shoulder to shoulder with Frank. 

The two nodded back, Brendon running a hand through his hair. "What are you two doing this weekend?"

Frank shrugged. "Don't know. The usual, I guess."

Ryan nodded. "Fair enough." 

"Hey, we should all go grab something to eat or something," Brendon chirped, standing up straighter and eyes widening a little with childlike excitement. "We haven't done that in a while."

Ryan opened his mouth, but Frank beat him to speak. "Oh yeah, he hasn't seen the shit hole you guys run to sometimes, huh?" He gestured to Tyler.

Brendon stood up even taller, if it was possible. "No! We haven't shown him! But we don't usually go there during the cold much."

Gerard shrugged. "Well if you want to go eat something, then we'll get it and go there. Be cool to see how it looks in this weather."

Tyler stood still, not uttering a single word through it all. He simply watched, learning more and more about the seemingly perfectly balanced dynamic in the group and their surrounding friends. It was interesting to see, really. It all worked together well.

Brendon leaned forward, grinning from ear to ear. "What do you think, Ty-Ty? Wanna see our secret handout?"

Josh scoffed light amusement crossing over his features. "It's not a secret hideout. Literally a half built building."

"Don't ruin my fun!" Brendon grumbled, looking back at Tyler with dramatically drooped shoulders. His eyes flashed with joy. "So, Mister Tyler Joseph. Want to take part in some illegal activities?"

Josh scoffed again, but Tyler only stared at Brendon for a moment. Not really contemplating; more adding to the dramatic reveal that wouldn't be so dramatic. He wasn't scared. Well, that was a lie, but he hardly cared enough to be controlled by it. The curiosity played a bigger roll, thundering over any worry like rain washing away an ants nest. 

"Sure." He half shrugged. Brendon grinned wider.

"Damn. Kid's got game," Frank added to the sarcastic drama. 

"Such a rebel," Gerard nodded thoughtfully. 

Tyler rolled his eyes, and met Josh's. The red head looked at him with a blank face again. Just like always.

"Show me your secret lair."

Brendon made an approving sound. "Okay I like 'lair' better. I could be a super hero. Or a villain."

Gerard scoffed. "You'd be the Al Gore of South Park."

"Manbearpigs are real, Gerard! It's a serious thing!" Brendon wagged his finger mockingly at the other boy. 

The group started to move, and Tyler followed. He laughed quietly to himself, watching the way Josh kept playing with his lighter as he walked two steps ahead of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I sort of wanted to give you all another chapter sooner for leaving things for so long. I hope it was okay.
> 
> p.s. I think my mood it manic at the moment. Like, a lot. I'm a little worried about crashing when it's over.


	30. Three Walls And A Star

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I hope you're all having a good holiday. It's new years eve for me tonight. Just a few drinks considering I'm the only one in the house that does. Movies and board games and stuff. It's weird, doing something so family-like. Not what I'm use to at all.

Josh hadn't been exaggerating, when he'd called their so dubbed hideout a half build building, not that he wasn't inclined to believe him from the start. It was just more...half built, than he'd expected. Tyler had been trying to imagine it in his head as they had made their way there, but ended up mainly watching the way Josh  _still_  flicked his lighter case open and closed. No one else seemed bothered at all by it, not that he was really off put by it himself. Everyone else seemed too caught up in their own conversation to notice all that much. The sound of it kept grabbing his attention though, begging for his thoughts over that of his nearing destination. Even if it hadn't he wasn't sure he'd have been able to imagine the way the building actually looked. After all, he'd never done something like this before. The group stopped abruptly, and Tyler looked around himself, realising he'd spent more time looking at Josh's hand and lighter than actually paying attention to where they'd moved to. 

The houses around him sat looking empty, less a few that held curtains in the windows and old chairs on their steps. Some part of it all felt lonely, like a body without a heart. Sometimes silence and loneliness overlapped though, and Tyler had often found himself wondering which it was in given situations. Besides what feelings he wondered paired with the rest of the street, the buildings before him definitely felt empty, but with a possible hint of adventure and promise of something new. It was an odd combination, one that Tyler would admit he couldn't remember feeling for a long time. The last time, maybe, was when they first moved into their second home; the one he once considered to be that of his entire childhood. Of course, it no longer held anything like that. Those emotions and memories were almost painted over completely by something blue. 

There were worn clear tarps over parts on the buildings, flapping lightly in the breeze like it was broadcasting its age to anyone looking its way. The other parts looked nearly complete, the concrete standing still as if it was ready to be a whole with the rest. Tyler tried to think of something about the place that stood out, but in the end he failed to see anything besides a basic building site that looked less than used. He looked back around him.

The street around them was still, less a few cars passing them periodically. One passed, bringing with it the sound of leaves sweeping across the pathway and rough tires on road. There was a gap of silence within the group as it passed, and the moment it was gone, so was the quiet.

Brendon threw his arms up in a dramatic display, bellowing deeply, "Welcome, to the secret lair of-" he cut himself off, a frown growing across his face as he looked around at the others. "What the fuck are we called?"

Ryan looked at him, holding a plastic bag of hot chips in his hand, with a sigh and an endearing smile. "We don't have a name, Brendon."

Frank looked at him with a deadpan look, but amusement in his eyes. "We're not a clubhouse."

Gerard snorted, shuffling from one foot to another. "Just a bunch'v emo rejects."

" _Hot_  rejects." Brendon scoffed, eyeing him humorously.

"Can we just go in already, it's cold." Frank pulled his sleeves down further, as it to prove his point.

"Ya big baby." Gerard knocked his shoulder against him, before stepping past him with a small smile. "Let's go. Show the new recruit what we got."

Tyler watched everyone turn to him fully, and resisted the urge to look away. He shrugged in response, but it seemed like enough of an answer because Brendon linked his arm into his, and pulled him down the space between the two buildings. There were loose pipes laying on the ground at random intervals, one rolling slightly as it was bumped. He didn't say anything as he was tugged forward, up a flight of stairs with no railing. The others followed behind as Brendon pulled him though something that resembled a doorway into a room with only three concrete sides. He supposed, it wasn't really considered a room if it was still open though. There was an old looking paint can in one corner, and another piece of piping in another.

Brendon let go of him, and walking towards the open edge. It faced the building beside it, still as unfinished as the one they stood in. The brunette stopped, feet a few inches from the edge. Tyler watched him as he stood there. Tyler turned around for a moment, Josh and the other standing near him. 

"Welcome!" 

Tyler turned back to Brendon, watching the boy once again spread his arms wide in a majestic display of dramatics. His hair moved as the air suddenly pushed its way around the room, like it was demanding to be noticed. 

"Cool, right?"

He looked around the room once more, realising exactly what he'd just done. He was standing there, in a place he  _knew_  they weren't meant to be at, with people he was only half sure he could trust entirely, as though it was as simple of a decisions as going for a walk. Although, he supposed that was exactly how he'd found himself in such a place. He'd barely even thought about it. He'd barely even hesitated beyond saying  _yes._ It was beyond odd, even to himself, how easily he'd gone along without anything more than a slight tingle in his stomach.

Brendon looked at him still, smile wide and proud like a child showing their parent a drawing. So, Tyler smiled himself, and nodded.

"He smiled, too!"

Tyler stopped smiling. A reflex he couldn't quite help, nor cared enough to. 

"No, no, no, smile!" Brendon took a few steps forward, before an arm curled around Tyler's neck and shoulder.

Said boy's skin pricked for a moment, but he ignored it the moment Gerard's face appeared in his peripheral vision. If he'd jumped even an millimeter, which he was sure he might have, no one mentioned it. They hardly has a reason to. Gerard's other hand sat against his own hip as he leaned against Tyler. The brunette stayed still.

"Don't corrupt him with your sunshine. I can't be the only emo kid here."

"You've already got Frank!"

"Oi," said boy interjected, crossing his arms over his chest. "Besides that, he's older than you anyway. You're the kid here." 

"I'm still taller than  _you_ , so shuddup."

"Barely," scoffed Frank, amused by the other. 

Brendon stepped forward again, throwing his head back slightly in overplayed pettiness. "Can we argue about who's the most emo later? I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry." Ryan laughed lightly, eyes crinkling ever so slightly.

"I'm always stoned, too. Your point?" He waved a hand in dismissal.

Ryan snorted, holding back a louder laugh. He held out the bag he was holding.

"Ooh. Gimmie."

"Big boy words, Brendon," called Gerard, back beside Frank, leaning against a wall. 

"Fuck off."

 

Tyler wasn't really sure how long the group of them sat inside the half built building, but he jumped when his phone rang in his pocket. He stood up from where they sat around the now empty bag of chips, answering with salt covered fingers.

"Hello?"

_"Tyler?"_

"Ma."

_"Where are you?"_

And then he suddenly realised, taking steps away from the group, that he hadn't even let her know he was out. "Oh, uh...I forgot to let you know. I'm...with my friends." He kept his voice low, glancing back at the group to see them paying little attention to him. He stepped out of the doorway looking gap, barely focusing as he took the next flight of stairs up.

 _"Friends? The one from the party the other night?"_ Her voice seemed to have perked up.

"Yes."

She didn't ask where he was exactly after that, and he thanked what little luck seemed to play his way. He wasn't really sure what to say, after all. He took more steps, noticing the dust collected on the half there walls.  _"Do you want me to leave you some dinner out?"_

"No thank you. It's okay."

There was a gap of silence, and when she spoke again, it felt like she was smiling on the other end of the call.  _"Be home before eleven, yeah?"_

He found himself almost smiling too. "I won't be that late, Ma."

 _"I know,"_ she laughed.  _"But just in case. Jay want's to say hello. I'll talk to you when you get home, sweetheart."_

There was another silence, and then the shuffling of the phone. He walked into another room, like the one below them.  _"Tyler!"_

"Hey, buddy."

_"I got more sticker's today."_

"That's awesome."

He could hear something in the background, mumbles and noises.  _"Mommy said I have to go."_

"Alright, Jay. Goodnight."

_"Night!"_

There was another gap, and then a tone. When he looked back down, he realised he was standing at the edge of the open side. He didn't jump back though, instead he looked down at the ground below him. He could hear the others talking in the room below, their words only half muted.

It was funny, in a way, how he was in such a place at such a time. There were a lot of things he expected to happen, all of which were mundane and basic. Standing in a three story building that was only half build with a bunch of people he barely knew? Well, that was by far something he never thought himself to be a part of. The other thing, was the overall measurable absence of anxiety and fear over the situation. It was like he was disconnected by all that was keeping him behind. Part of him was left wondering what it would feel like if he had the adrenaline or excitement running through him, that he figured would be normal in such a situation. The other part of him wondered how long he'd be without it.

"Place was meant to help the neighborhood value or something."

Tyler spun around, skin pricking at the voice he hadn't really been expecting. He almost wasn't surprised to see the red head though. Almost.

"Funding ran out. They didn't start anything more and left it all like this." Josh stepped forward, looking around the room. "People don't even care enough around here that we're even up here."

For some irreverent reason, Tyler found that moment to realise Josh had said absolutely nothing since they'd left the school. He'd stayed silent, flicking his lighter. The red head moved towards where Tyler stood at the open side of the room, dropping himself down at the edge with his legs hanging over. He watched him from a moment, before lowing himself to the spot beside him. He looked down again, at how his feet dangled above the drop without support, and at that moment his stomach rippled and his skin pricked a little more. He could feel it now; just a little. The small rush he'd wondered about, pressing just a little adrenaline into his body to create something other than nothing. Although he supposed it wasn't like he was feeling nothing at all before, just less than he thought he should have been. Either way, his fingers twitched just a little, but not with anxiety or fear; with a tinge of excitement.

"You guys come here often?" he asked, not moving his eyes from the ground below and his swinging toes.

"Not really. Brendon likes to explore, so he got into here before we did." Josh pulled out a cigarette from his packet, and balanced it between his lips.

"You don't?"

Josh looked at him. "Hm?"

"Like to explore."

The red head shrugged, taking a long drag of smoke. "Do you?"

Tyler didn't say anything for a moment. "Sometimes. I like...balance."

"Sometimes normal is best, right?"

He shrugged, looking at Josh again. "When things rarely are, yeah."

Josh hummed, and like that the conversation ended.

Tyler looked up, to where the sky was visible. He'd hardly noticed, but it was getting dark, accentuated even more by the clouds covering everything above. He wasn't sure how long he stared, but the clouds kept moving with the wind non the less. For a moment, there was a gap in them. It was only a second, but it was enough. There were stars in the sky, behind everything, but it was there. It was gone as fast as it had appeared, blanketed again by the clouds, but it was enough. He'd seen it.

"Hey," Josh murmured. Tyler looked back at him, watching the side of his face as he spoke. "I don't know if I said it the other day."

"Hm?"

"Thank you. For...helpin' me out."

Something more flipped inside him, but he ignored it in ways of a simple answer.

"It's okay." Josh nodded, but Tyler felt the urge to say something more. So he did. "Thank you for not telling anyone about what you saw at that party."

Josh looked at him for a moment, before turning back and tapping the ash from his cigarette. "Of course I wouldn't tell." He took another drag, almost finishing the smoke. "We've all got secrets. No one's place to tell someone else's."

Tyler looked at him for a moment longer before glancing back at his toes.

Maybe it was okay to share some secrets. Maybe it made things a little easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looooooong chapter. I hope you like it. I wonder if it sounds cliche, having the group go to some building and basically break in to hang out, but it I wonder if I've made it less cringe than it could be.


	31. a/n - I'm Sorry

Salutations. I haven't updated in a month. I'm sorry.

I have not been well again. Yeah, I know. Big surprise. I've had a lot going on and it got the better of me. Very much so. Depression isn't something you just stop feeling one day, I know, but I'm at the point again that that seems to be the only thing I do feel. 

Yesterday I found out I have another chronic illness on top of the one I already have. It's mostly incurable, and very hard to treat. So it's made me sadder to know that there is another reason why I can't live a 'normal' life. 

I'm sorry I haven't posted. I'm dissociating more again and I'm barely concentrating on normal stuff let alone this. 

I just wanted you to know that I haven't left this story behind. I know it's not that good, and I'm thinking about speeding things up just a tad, instead of mostly going day to day. 

Anyway, I'm sorry. I'll update as soon as I can.


	32. Nowhere

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. I've missed talking to you guys. I hardly get any contact on Wattpad. It makes me sad, almost, which is stupid.

* * *

Tyler sat with Josh, watching the newly dropping rain sprinkle down over everything. It was only light, but the smell of it all was enough to fill Tyler with something near that of peace. The smell of smoke drifted though the air too, mixing with the drops, as the red head beside him had moved to his second cigarette. He didn't mind it though. It had been a while since the smell of people smoking had bothered him all that much. It was almost familiar now, carrying something almost like comfort with it. He wondered why.

He could have rejoined the others in the room below; he could still hear them from where he sat, muffled talking and laughing. The boy beside him though, didn't make any motion to move either. So he stayed still. 

"Have you been here forever?" Tyler found himself asking. It was something he'd say in small-talk, but right now that's hardly what it felt like. 

Josh dusted off his pants, where a drop of ash had fallen. "Almost. The family moved when I was three, so this as all I know."

Tyler let that settle in the air for a moment. He wondered if he had good memories of the place, like Tyler did his own childhood house. "Do you like it here?"

The red head didn't answer right away, and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. The closeness he gained towards the edge made Tyler's stomach shift just a little bit. "Maybe when I was younger, but things change. People change with it." He took a long drag, blowing the smoke through his nose and barely opened mouth. He coughing once. "This place is where people go when there's no where else. Most of 'em here don't say it, but we all know it. And those of us who grew up here wonder what's out there, knowing we might never know." He turning his head to Tyler, and the brunette was caught by something in his eye flickering with more than just blankness.

Tyler felt something stir in himself at the words. Was this place really a last resort? A place when there is no other? He wondered if his mother had known that when they had moved. Then again, maybe that was exactly why she'd chosen such a place to start with.  

Josh coughed again. "What 'bout you? Your hometown."

"Uh...Columbus," he murmured before stopping short, playing with his finger tips. He couldn't think of the right words to explain what he thought. "It's brighter. More trees and stuff," he substituted lamely. He wasn't even all that sure if it was a correct statement. 

"Everything here's just dead. 'Specially the trees," Josh hummed. "You like it there?"

"Yeah. I did." The answer was instantaneous, and if any emotion tinged the words above that of expected, Josh didn't seem to notice. That or he didn't let it show. "I don't...miss the school. Or the people in it."

"Does anyone ever miss school?"

"Zack did."

"He seems like the type'a kid to make friends fast."

Tyler just nodded. 

"Wonder what that's like," the red head murmured. Tyler wondered too.  
  


It was cooler still outside by the time the group moved back down the stairs, air moving through the gaps in the construction before they even reached the bottom. The raindrops had turned more to a mist, coating everything in a gentle stray, that may have been more pleasant if not for the already chilled temperature. Brendon led them down the stairs, jumping over the last few steps into a light puddle gathered on the ground. It splattered up his shoes slightly, and he stared at them with a frown. 

"Aw."

"Don't know what you were expecting to happen," Frank deadpanned, rolling his eyes as he passed him by a few steps.

"A bigger splash. That was disappointing."

Ryan smiled foldly. Gerard walked in front of Tyler by a few steps, grabbing the half there wall as he slipped a fraction. "Shit," he mumbled. "Look out."

Tyler felt the sole of his shoe slip on the step surface the moment Gerard spoke, and his heel shot forward from underneath him. He made a sound, and clasped the wall. A hand gripped his upper back too, and he righted himself before looking behind him.

"Good?" Josh stared at him, blank faced as ever.

He nodded back before taking the last few steps with caution. "Yeah. Thanks."

The groups found their way back to the front of the construction, each one tugging at their collars and sleeves at least once. Brendon pulled out a cigarette and lit it, offering the packet to Frank and Gerard. Gerard refused, and Frank accepted. He handed the packet back and lit the stick. 

The six of them started walking. Brendon took the lead of course, as he had for most of the afternoon. He bounded along next to a calmer paced Ryan, smiling so wide Tyler wondered if it ever made his face hurt. He watched Ryan's eyes for a minute or two, and the way they focused on Brendon's face with so much care. It made Tyler almost smile to himself. Frank and Josh walked behind Tyler, both silent yet content. Gerard kept pace beside him, not really talking much either. The silence, less that of Brendon and Ryan, didn't bother him. It was hardly awkward; not forced. If anything, it was almost soothing. Gerard spoke after a while though, directing his question directly to Tyler.

"So how're you likin' this shithole of a town so far?"

Tyler thought back to Josh's conversation before. He shrugged. "Dunno yet," he said simply. 

Gerard hummed, and Tyler watched him run his hand through his hair. "You'll hate it soon enough." 

"Josh said it's where people go when there's nowhere left."

"Aint that the truth. S'why I'm here." He interlocked his fingers and held them behind his head as he walked. 

"That's why we're all here, Gee. Nowhere else to run," Frank added from behind them, Tyler turning his head slightly to look at him as he blew smoke from his mouth. There was a slight humor in his eyes, but seriousness too.

Tyler opened his mouth to say something more, before Frank stopped. Gerard followed suit, and then the rest of them

"Me and Gee are going to my place," Frank stated as he tapped the ash from the mostly gone cigarette. "See you guys later, I guess."

"Catch ya on the flip side," Brendon drawled dramatically as he threw his hands up in a bull horn fashion. 

Frank deadpanned at him. "Bren, I love you man, but never do that again or I will be forced to throw myself off a cliff."

"Take me with you," Gerard said with an amused expression. 

"I am."

Gerard rolled his eyes. Tyler saw something of a sparkly in them. "You still owe me pizza rolls. C'mon." He tugged at Frank's arm.

"Fine, ya pig." Frank turned to them. "Later."

Tyler watched them leave, waving behind them. He turned away to follow the rest of the group, but not before he saw Frank's hand move to Gerard's lower back. This time, he could barely suppress a curl of his lips.

"I think they think they're not obvious." Ryan smiled to Tyler. 

He looked back to the group, realising Josh and Brendon had both moved forward a few steps without them. "Yeah?"

"They're not 'together'." Ryan made quotation marks. 

Tyler nodded at him. "Uh...Mike-Mikey? He said that too."

"You met Gee's brother?"

"Zack...is friends with him. And-uh, Ray."

Ryan nodded. "Mikey and Ray are nice. Mikey's a good kid."

Tyler hummed. He ran his hand through his hair, almost forgetting that light rain following them. He didn't ever mind walking in the rain, after all. Distilling some of the moisture settled along the strands of his hair, he felt a few extra drops run down his face. He shook them away and pulled his hood over his head. 

He didn't talk again after that, listening to the wet footsteps around him and the sound of raindrops against the concrete path. It was calming, and somehow made him realise that he hadn't felt lonely all day.   
  


The kettle was whistling when Tyler pushed the front door, toeing off his damp shoes and leaving them in the doorway. He hadn't paid too much attention to the time, even after making his way back with the others, but most of the lights were already switched off. He could hear sound above him too, but neglected that to move to the kitchen. His mother sat at the table, half made tea behind her on the counter. There were papers in her hand, with red writing and important looking markings. The word _urgent_  flashed in his vision for only a second, before her head moved towards him.

"Hey there, sweetheart," she greeted, putting the paper underneath a magazine. Of course it only cemented the concern he felt over it.

"Hey, Ma."

"How was it out with your friends?" She pushed herself from the table, sliding the chair behind her with a dull sound. 

Tyler thought for a moment. "It was fun." Really, it was the best way to describe it. He felt closer to them all, if not only by a little. 

"I'm glad." She smiled at him. "Do you want a cup of tea?"

He shook his head lightly. "No thank's. Think I'll just head to bed."

"Have you eaten anything?" She moved towards the fridge, fingers curled around the handle before she looked back at him. "There's leftovers if you want them."

"I'm good, Ma. We ate earlier." His lips curled into a slight smile at her parental worry. "I'll see you in the morning."

"Of course, sweetheart," she said, taking a few steps towards him. "Go change into some warmer clothes." 

Tyler lent into her as she hugged him gently, reaching up slightly to plant a kiss on his forehead. The tenderness of it would never be something he didn't need.

Zack's bedroom light flooded out from underneath his closed door, illuminating the floor slightly as Tyler walked to his own room with dull steps. He could hear shuffling inside and low, one sided, murmurs. He didn't question it, instead just closing his own door behind him and shuffling his way to his bed. The street light from outside his window offered enough light for him to barely see, but he didn't turn a lamp on. Slowly, he pulled off his clothes. 

Everything seemed quiet around him tonight. Not peaceful; simply quiet. Although he knew it wasn't really even that, underneath the surface. He knew that just below, there were choppy waves and lightning storms in the distance. He just wondered how long it would be till electricity met the water, and everything flowed over yet again.

A thud sounding through the wall connecting with Zack's made Tyler jolt. He dropped the shirt he was holding, and stared, but nothing followed. Not even faint profanity. Of course, the lack of that only made the coil in Tyler's stomach grow a little tighter with anxiety. He ignored it for the most part, and picked up his fallen shirt, depositing it back with his other damp clothes.

He laid on the bed after that, still shirtless, and stared at the roof. The light was dim enough through his curtains for him to see the ceiling; so he stared at it. He wasn't sure how long he laid there, lost in his thoughts, but at one point, he rolled over and cast his eyes to the box of cassettes and his tape recorder still sitting on his desk. After everything, he always found himself coming back to them; back to music. _His_ music. Once it had meant so much to him. Under everything it still did, he supposed. Under everything it was still what had always kept him going. Though now, it almost didn't seem in reach anymore, like his fingertips could never quite touch the rights notes. He wondered if he's ever reach them again.

He rolled to his other side, stretching to tap the button for his stereo, before turning the volume to almost nothing. But it was enough still, and the sound of _Muse_  filled the space around him. He realised after a moment, that he hadn't even changed the album since Josh had been sitting beside him in that very room, covered in black and blue. The red haired boy was the only one to have even been inside his house yet. That in itself was something that sat in the forefront of Tyler's mind, almost demanding attention. There was something about him; something almost familiar. He could feel something like that with Ryan and Gerard too, but with Josh, it was something different. He didn't know what it was; could hardly put his finger on it. But there was something there; something that seemed almost unspoken buzzing between them, each time something happened.

Like every other time something made it's way into Tyler's mind, he pushed it back into the shadows. This time though, it pushed back. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My great grandmother passed away yesterday. My mother and I don't live near her anymore. My mother hadn't seen her for a few months, and we couldn't afford to visit even after her stroke. Sometimes I forget I'm 'different' with emotion. Sometimes I forget how other people deal with things like this. I don't think I've ever cried at a funeral; never broken down over someones death. But last night, when my mother choked suddenly the moment after answering a call, for someone who was more of a mother to her than her own, I remembered how much it hurts to not feel in such a situation. I feel like a monster over it, a lot. I didn't even cry when I was the one she forgot when her memory went. But I don't feel right. Because I hardly feel anything.
> 
> Does that make me cruel?


End file.
